Maybe it’s the fact that I wrote every single day last month, or the fact that my default is I write a lot as if to make up for the lost time. At only 202 words a day, I’m still pretty much crushing it. But, yeah. I got prompts out the kazoo: 750 Words has a prompt thingy now, I have an inspirational one-a-day desktop calendar, I get newsletters for prompt topics in my email, not to mention all the lists of prompts I’ve already made, living in "Interesting Times,"… I’ve no shortage of what to write.

I also sat and read Ice Planet Barbarians.

A bonding moment with a complete stranger over something we both loved? The adventure of diving into something I’d Never Normally Pick Up? Any reason to pick up and read random spicy book things? Maaaybe. I am ready for the potential Hot Mess I may have on my hands.

But first, I had to find the thing. It wasn’t available on my eReader of choice, a Kobo device. At least, I couldn’t find an English version. And since I’ve sworn off anything Kindle-related (fuck their DRM!), I had to get creative. Yadda yadda yadda, and the book is open on my phone instead. I can tolerate a smaller form factor for a short book– it’s only 180 pages.

First Impression

Oh, this thing is, like, TikTok famous. From what I heard about BookTok, they do enjoy the spicy books over there, and we’re not talkin’ about food (or maybe we are, depending on the book…). In case you’re not picking up what I’m putting down: erotica. It’s erotica. There’s sex in it. It’s for adults that like that sort of thing.

And there are 21 books. One novella even dares reference Vanilla Ice to stay on theme. Because yes, of course, pregnancy and babies do eventually show up. Ice, Ice, Babies. 

oh man is BookTok str8 as hell or–

Before We Crash Land

First off– this is absolutely not a review! Nothing on par with, say, Reads With Rachel. This is so far off of what I normally read that it’d be unfair for me to rate or critique it, you know? I can tell you that it was an alright read– if a bit by-the-numbers– and if you’re into This Sorta Thing you may enjoy it! Read actual reviews or whatever and decide from there!

I begin with that because… yo. The amount of eyerolling I did while reading this.

For transparency’s sake: while proofreading this entry I noted that I Might Protest Too Much, so don’t be surprised if I pick up a few books after this. I ain’t too proud to tell ya that.

SPOILERS FROM HERE, NERDS. 

There will also be frank discussion of all the pre-martial hanky panky going on in this book. I marked it NSFW accordingly, but there are no NSFW graphics.

Additional Content Warnings: sexual assault, pregnancy

Summary: What’s the “Plot, What Plot?”

My only major complaint about this book: You know what Katee Robert didn’t do to you within the first 20 pages of the book? She may have bored me, but she didn’t introduce sexual assault. I guess we can’t have alien abduction without that. I was expecting a Meet Cute Stockholm Syndrome romance or something from the jump, but the heroine has to be kidnapped by Evil Green Men first to contrast against the Not Evil Blue Man we’ll meet later.

Thankfully, not only is the book short– it also goes at a fast clip. Not breakneck and disorienting but in the style of "we’re determined to still entertain you with some plot." And you know what? That’s cool. Not every book needs to be a doorstopper. I’m just glad it doesn’t drag on for anything, and that means we’re over the Unpleasantness that much quicker. I was concerned that it was setting the tone for the rest of the book, but that wasn’t the case. It’s jarring, and I find it needless.

I wish I had content/trigger warnings going in no matter how brief it was. Why the hell hasn’t publishing normalized it in books yet?

So, yeah.

Georgie gets kidnapped from her boring Florida apartment and is thrown in a cage with five? other women, and six more in hibernation. One of them is brutalized for the sake of plot (and, sadly, she also dies IIRC). Turbulence in the space ship, they have a rough landing as the bad guys crash them on a planet to pick them up later. Georgie, the VolunTold leader due to taking initiative and pulling a KYLR as part of the escape plan, ventures out into the cold to search for help.

She almost dies, gets caught in a trap, is rescued by an unusually hot masculine alien stranger. They bond, and they Booooond, between him trying to keep her alive and her determined to bring help to her fellow captives.

Conveniently, there is a tribe that is short on women and a whole bunch just happened to rudely land only a two day’s journey away from Blue Man’s Village. Even more conveniently, biology will not be a factor. As soon as Georgie said "At least you can’t get me pregnant!" I knew what the endgame was.

So they swing by to check on the survivors, first, before going to his home for additional help. Along the way there’s sci-fi hyjinks and she learns the language. They finally communicate, and she finally starts falling for him. At the village there is the required "meet my people and also the woman I used to sleep with before she got hitched because the symbiote in her chest said so," and she gets filled in… in more ways than one.

They return to crash site with MEN who haven’t RESONATED for a LIFETIME MATE yet. Due to a crash course on Consent (and having English beaned into their heads by Convenient Sci-Fi Tech), they behave themselves despite the RESONANCE happening. Except that one problematic dude that runs off with one of the ladies hey wait what the fuck we’re not going to comment on that beyond "he will answer to the tribe later"?! It’s implied that she’ll give him Hell and What For, but still, what the fuck.

oh, yeah.

Also.

If they don’t stick a native parasite in them they’ll die due to the environment slowly poisoning them and they only have a week to live. Did I forget to mention that? But it’s cool, after Georgie gets that thing in her (and I don’t mean the potential baby) they all undergo the procedure and survive. The evil aliens retrieve their wreck and fuck off, and they all live happily ever after and seem okay being stuck on this planet with a buncha hot dudes who are willing to not be Jerks about it. Except that one guy, unless this is a set up for a successful I Can Change Him plot.

And you’re dying (within 8 days) to know…

Was it Hot?

Eh, yeah, I guess. But this book is Straight and Monogamous as Hell and I am absolutely not that.

It’s got oral, lots of focus on the woman, lots of stimulating and moist Penis-In-Vagina action, enthusiastic consent, and some boundary setting where it’s warranted. I did fan myself a few times; I love a good "wake me up with your mouth" bit and "quit teasing and shove that thing in me right now" urgency. I finished the book in two hours (don’t judge), and it ultimately made me just want the queerest fluid kinky sex I can find with Janelle Monae playing in the background

Ahem.

But the sex itself in the book? Wasn’t terrible, but

SHE COMPARES HIS PENIS TO A RABBIT VIBRATOR. AND HONEY, IT’S FUCKING BUILT LIKE ONE. But better, because he’ll grill meat for your afterwards.

This is some ultimate wish fulfillment Literally Hitting All The Good Sexy Bits and I just have to applaud it. I wasn’t joking– he is Ribbed for Her Pleasure. His junk has ridges and a conveniently placed hard nub on the shaft that lines up with her nub perfectly. He’s suede soft with some Texture here and there. His tongue has bumps on it, as Georgie found out when he rescued her from his snare trap and immediately had to plant his face in her crotch while she was still unconscious (dubious consent, to note). There’s no slow burn from his end (from the symbiote)! And the part where he’s like "what is this third nipple doing here?" while he’s down there??? That was too fucking funny. At least he found the clit, motherfucker! And is happy about it!

And of course it was the best sex she’s ever had.

From my notes: Vektal is such a gentleman he knows how to eat pussy but doesn’t know how to kiss. So she had a fun time teaching him about that. He’s also nice, super protective, caring, yeh– all the stuff we want from a man.

And, you know, monster fucker stuff. Size Difference. Horns. Tail (sadly, no tail shenanigans). That Thing I Don’t Dare Mention. Tongue that may as well be a tentacle. Blue. Got her pregnant anyway because bio-magic-lovestuff (ugh, pregnancy/breeding– also absolutely not my thing).

Shiiiiid. Get that monster cock textured like a gator, Florida girlie! It’s not like I can judge, being the owner of several Interestingly Shaped Adult Sculptures For Adults. Some of the other ladies give her good-natured shit for it too; they ain’t even mad.

The Characters?

Hey, I already described The Dude. I couldn’t help to see him as that one demon guy from AFK Journey. Or Volt from The Bouncer– only blue, bigger horns, and much longer hair.

Oh yeah. Georgie. I don’t remember what she looks like. Maybe racially ambiguous, probably white, probably has blonde hair (she did not; sorry). She wasn’t described nearly as lovingly as Vecna Vekta? was, or I just parsed her as Bland and slotted her away. She was tiny (compared to him). She was pale. She kicked him in the chest at one point, and that was funny because I pictured her yelling and hopping around like a cartoon character cursing the whole time and he was like "damn tiny why you do that?"

She fucking killed a dude, yo. Blue Man got off light.

She’s from Florida, though; they mention that a few times. With the planet being icy and all, I really should have seen that coming. Opposites, you know. And honestly. Between him and… Florida… actually I choose Florida, but I respect her choice to stay put. I get it. I just really rather NOT be pregnant on a planet full of Str8s. That could change as the series progresses, someone else tell me how it goes. (She decided to stay because of the baby. Of course.)

The rest of the women characters went by temperament and hair color; bare minimum stuff. One was snarky and gave Georgie extra shit; they had a nice rapport. I hope they hook up later in the series (Roommates) or she can just be the Lavitz to her Dart (minus the whole dying part). And, from glancing at all the book covers I assume they become the protagonist in their own stories. Get it, girls; too bad I’m not interested.

How Did They Interact, Tho?

Oh, you know. Shrug.

They were cute and sweet sometimes. There was a language barrier (until there wasn’t– thank you, convenient science fiction thing!) as they learn each other (not the euphemism). He’s all like "you are tiny and weak and clearly gon’ get yourself killed, also I’m biologically in love with you so I’ll protect you and I really want to bang you but only when you want to." She’s all like "damn I can get used to this but we really need to get to the other women tho." There’s a convenient blizzard, lots of fur blankets, and a "you know what? I’m rowdy, let’s fucking do this." She catches feelings for him eventually but I’m meh about that my guy. I’m meh about them honestly.

I really hate the bio-magic love thing.

A lot about her being "his," possessiveness, needing to claim, some jealousy before and after she falls for him and says the L word, and the dreaded I absolutely hate it You’re The Only One For Me crap– and worse, it’s magically/biologically induced! What in the wolf book spice is that shit? I hate it! Get it outta here! Georgie was even self-aware enough to use "Stockholm" and I felt uneasily seen. Damn writer read me for filth with this lampshade hanging.

…

Where was I?

See, I told you to go read real reviews! This is why! I can’t be trusted.

Is there anything you did like, you bitchy gay bitch?

Actually, yeah.

I snickered or groaned at the bits of humor, depending on the delivery. I love cheesy corny shit. All the women interacting was also sweet; they were all supportive of each other and mourned those that were lost. When they weren’t flicking each other off (okay, just Georgie and that one person).

While I dislike changing POVs in books, this one grew on me and I ended up appreciating it. It also also fun to have to read out loud Georgie’s dialogue during Vektal’s chapters, as it was slurred down to his understanding of it. That was a nice touch before the language barrier was removed.

I’m also going to start using RESONANCE as a euphemism. It’s a little poetic, even. Though it only happens when a woman is FERTILE and euuugh nevermind

Oh, right. These alien people purr. Vektal fucking purrs when he’s RESONATING. That’s so adorable. During the rescue Georgie looking around asking "Hey! Who just resonated!?" was so fucking funny to me.

Last Word

Oh, yeah. This is BookTok Certified, whatever that means for you. If that’s your jam, go pick this up. Go pick up all 21 books, maybe. I see why this was recommended to me and why she liked it so much– and I appreciate that she did that!  I like knowing what brings other people joy.

I don’t regret reading it, and it wasn’t nearly the shitshow roast show I was expecting. I would’ve liked it a lot more if it didn’t annoy me between surprise cunningulus and the kinkiest thing being doggy style. It’s not like I’m ""above"" BookTok recs; I just did not vibe with this one. As I made abundantly clear.

"The Stars Change" by Mary Anne Mohanraj is more my speed. And uh, probably the Dark Olympus series– if only I cared about the characters and world– it does tick my checkboxes a lot more. And if there is a queer version of this Ice Planet Barbarians series, please hit me the fuck up!

TLDR:

Enjoy what you like! Tell your friends!

Unless it’s Colleen Hoover. I’ll judge you from hell.