I said I wasn’t gonna do this again.

But it doesn’t count if it’s unpolished.

It doesn’t count if the resources are right at the tip of my tongue.

But I think of these two groups I’m in, and how they are both failing me. Despite one’s best efforts, Redacted doesn’t want to bring their people into such an unwelcoming place. And the other, built from the ashes of something else, is faltering just like its predecessor because the lead lacks representation and different ways of seeing the world.

And a third, I fear, I would be deregulated to background noise because I frankly don’t have enough capital or experience.

How I, once again, just said "fuck it" and made my own space. It’s not giving up, yet it feels at odds with taking up space in these white spaces.

Maybe I should

just

stop

but i deserve to be there

so

i wont stop

https://oxford-review.com/the-oxford-review-dei-diversity-equity-and-inclusion-dictionary/double-consciousness-definition-and-explanation/

until

i do

So decipher this:

There is only one way to make your spaces diverse and welcoming enough for people of color to stick around.

It’s simple.

Make these spaces safe enough.

Have diverse admins, board members, friend groups.

Uplift the voices that aren’t yours.

Shoutout the places you know your PoC friends would be welcome. Boost their words. Highlight them. Don’t ignore them.

Listen. No platitudes, no explaining over, no compromising. No shuffling Everyone Else in a "QPOC" channel where anyone can shuffle in and make the space Unsafe.

Call that shit out. You see this shit?

https://archive.ph/scZ1b

Destroy it. Cast it into the fire. Stomp that shit out and don’t let it fester. Don’t be like Mastodon.

I see now, that I can be a lighthouse. If another Black person shows up, we can make eye contact and I can tell them they won’t be alone. I can point to where we can truly go. I’ve had decades of fly-in-milk experience, and I actually wouldn’t wish that on anyone despite being a vindictive monster. But still, I have to be there. And sometimes I am tired, because it is tiring.

Understand that I can’t always be there.

Understand that someone’ll be wary, even if I am there. Because I’ll be the only one.

Understand that there is a chance you’ll never see me again.

Quote Picard. Everyone loves to quote Picard.

But when I do reappear it will be demanding, aggressive: I am fucking here in spite of this. you will see me i am here too i deserve this too

And what else?

Educate yourself. Unpack your biases. Create the space you want to see.

Try. Keep trying. It’s ongoing, ever building. It is work to be anti-racist, and if you want to be safe enough, you will need to work for it.

And you still won’t be for everyone.

That’s all you can do.

But you want something more concrete, don’t you? Some stuff to read? Something to do?

Practical Diversity

The Token: Common Sense Ideas for Creating Diversity in Your Organization

who was this for?

me, mostly; as i grapple with double consciousness. express frustration. remind me of my resolve. what i can do. what i and others need, and provide it.

And I won’t be taking any questions.

Remember a time when: you enjoyed a particularly delicious meal. Who was with you?

I have a few!

  1. The Cheesecake Factory with mom; I just graduated from college.
  2. Before that, a friend treated us all to this ritzy Irish pub uptown.
  3. I don’t remember, but jello shots in a pan were involved. And I put a bottle of Aristocrat under the sink where it belongs.
  4. Having deer meat chili at a friend’s when we stayed for the weekend.
  5. Chinese Hot Pot places, both on my birthday: surrounded by partners and loved ones. I love the communal aspect of it.
  6. The first meal we had in our place; after we all moved in together in our first house.
  7. Celebrating moving into our tiny apartment with fantastic Mexican food around the corner.
  8. Anything is delicious once you’re off the river from river tubing. Friends at the buffet or BBQ in someone’s house.
  9. Just me and my book, at a coffee place, with coffee and a yogurt thing.
  10. A crab boil at my mom’s.

I’m sure I got more.

Oh yea, my recent post on Digital Security still has Protonmail as a recommendation for a more secure/private/not-gmail email.

I mean, it still has encryption and whatnot, so I guess it’s still secure.

But in the light of the CEO being the one of many to kiss tRump’s toes– despite claiming the project apolitical– some may want to give pause.

I don’t know where my draft went, so let’s take it from the top.

Design Your Ideal Reading/Writing Space 1

I like being in the corner. It could be a couch corner or a cozy chair in a corner. It goes without saying that a couch would be big enough for a warm blanket and a couple of pillows, but the chair will need to be the right size for that. It’ll also need those large plush armrests so I can drape my legs over them when I feel like curling up. Reclining feature isn’t mandatory, but would be nice for the rare times I’d want it.

So. Chair in corner. Next to it, a table wide enough for a drink, snacks, glasses, and book to place when I put it down for a nap. Other side, a floor lamp with variable dimness. I like the ones with two bulbs– one for the entire room pointing up, and a smaller one to point where you please.

Oop, we need a bluetooth speaker! Let’s stick it on the table, which is not far from the outlet. And the table’ll need a lil nook to charge phone/tablet/eReader.

A writing desk wouldn’t be far from the reading space. I don’t like writing on those lapdesk things (they’re handy, though!). Small enough to stand up my notebooks, have a laptop to the side when I’m not using it– and plenty of space to write! A small vase of pens. A small, dedicated lamp for this area, and an office chair that does the job. Or whatever chair; I’m not picky.

Tying it all together is a shaggy rug you can roll around on, and a coffee table for more table space. You can play Scrabble! And, conveniently, you can also lay on the floor and read with your hedgehog stuffies. As for the walls… eh, what the hell, throw some Christmas lights up there along with GDBee’s art. The rest of it can be covered in bookshelves.

Lastly, colors. I’m thinking dark colors for this area, earth tones. And to contrast, things like blankets and pillows would be some bright patterns or something. I just throw shit together in a deliberately kitsch way.

Last night I was curled up in the couch corner for some quality reading time. My nesting partner came in from the cold, did his thing, and settled down not far from me to do some studying of his own. He put on Lo-Fi HipHop Beats to Study To, because that is how we roll around here.

We just vibed, enjoying each other’s company while doing our own thing. One of us would make a sound (him grumbling over Theory, me losing my shit reading Wind and Truth). Depending on how engrossed we were, we’d even respond to said sounds.

Living together. Existing together.

Eventually I hunkered down for a nap as the sun set, giving him one last look before I disappeared into the blanket nest to continue reading till I fell asleep.

"Hey! I love you!"

(a few seconds as it registers) "Oh! Love you too."

I thought to myself, "Oh, this is probably how Princess Carolyn felt." Content, assured in love, and is able to… get right back to work. Because she knows and feels it so deeply it can be summed up with a smile and a "Mm." And when we’re done with whatever we’re doing, we’ll be there for each other.

Judah playing the guitar for Princess Carolyn.
OH MY GLOB HE EVEN HAS A GUITAR TOO

I was also given a handmade zine from him that articulated this feeling better than I could. I keep it in my headboard; it’s good to have something tangible to remind you of the sorta-intangible at times.

So I nodded off with a smile on my face.

The cover of a Zine. On the top is a blue stamp of a vine. There is also a red hedgehog cutout and a pink glitterly smiling heart on the right of the cover. Title, For the Hedgie, is written on the bottom in his all-caps handwriting.

18 Million Rising hosted this class. Here is the recording: https://youtu.be/j20ku2kr6ty. There’s also a document they provided with resources and links, here.

Their focus is on Community Organizers.

 

> Since our activities are shared digitally to the internet, let’s consider the legacy of colonization embedded within the technologies, structures, and ways of thinking we use every day.

> We are using equipment and high speed internet not available in many indigenous communities. Even the technologies that are central to much of our work leaves significant carbon footprints, contributing to changing climates that disproportionately affect indigenous peoples worldwide.

> We invite you to join us in acknowledging this as well as our shared responsibility: to make good of this time and for each of us to consider our roles in decolonization and solidarity. adapted from a digital land acknowledgement by Adrienne Wong of spiderwebshow

Digital Threats

  • Marginalized communities have a long history of survelliance
  • Threats from
  • far-right
  • ICE and border agents
  • social media censorship
  • tracking (ebt, metrocards)
  • facial recognition
  • social security scams
  • phishing
  • data breaches
  • police surveillance
  • security camers
  • bad tech policies

Risk Accessment

  • what or who do I want to protect?
  • who do I want to protect it from? who are my adversaries?
  • how motivated and capable are they to get it?
  • what happens if they do get it?
  • what am I willing to do to prevent that?

Digital Security Is…

  • community defense
  • harm reduction
  • an ongoing practice
  • a balance between security and convenience

Accounts and Data

strong passwords

  • use strong password generators

  • length

  • complexity

  • keep it updated

  • avoid personal details

  • keep it unique! don’t reuse passwords

  • practical + memorable → passphrases

  • password managers

  • generates strong passwords + 2fa codes

  • secure password and sensitive data storage in cloud

  • autofill feature

*resources

  • security.org/how-secure-is-my-password/
  • bit.ly/18mr_pw (all caps)
  • haveibeenpwned.com

2 factor authentication (2fa)

  • extra layer of protection (beyond just username and password)
  • recommended to enable alerts for unusual logins
  • options
  • sms
  • email
  • authenticator apps
  • 2fa keys

doxxing prevention and mitigation

  • revealing identifying information about a person online with malicious intent
  • Data can include Legal name, home address, workplace, contact info, photos, etc.

> phishing = tricking a person into taking an action or revealing sensitive data through fake emails, websites, or messages pretending to be from a reputable person or company.

> Malware – Malicious Software

Communications

Use Signal

  • end to end encrypted
  • use signal to share sensitive info
  • avoid using legal name + photo
  • settings
  • disappearing messages
  • admin controls in group chats
  • note to self
  • blur face tool
  • keep your phone number private with signal usernames
  • new feature: user names instead of phone numbers

Use alternatives

  • Gmail
  • ProtonMail
  • Tutanota
  • for Zoom, use Jitsi Meet
  • Protect your files- encrypt them
  • etherpad via Riseup.net
  • CryptPad
  • tresorit
  • Reproductive Health Apps Considerations
  • how the app stores and handles sensitive data
  • could sold to third party marketers
  • data could be shared with law enforcement
  • Web Browsing
  • Firefox, Tor, Brave, DuckDuckGo
  • Privacy Badger- blocks invisible trackers
  • Search Engine: DuckDuckGo
  • doesn’t use cookies
  • does not track and profile users
  • does not collect or store personal info
  • Google: myactivity.google.com to check

VPNs: Virtual Private Network

> a service that encrypts your internet traffic and disguises your online identity. this makes it more difficult for third parties to track your activities online and steal data.

  • TunnelBear
  • Mullvad VPN

Securing Your Devices

  • update your phone and computer operating systems and apps
  • face id and fingerprints are easily compromisable; turn off – esp during protests
  • set up automatic lock on devices
  • turn off location services when possible

DIGITAL SECURITY FOR IRL PROTESTS + EVENTS

  • strong passwords for phones, not biometrics
  • use signal to organize action and during attendance
  • leave location trackers at home (smart watches, air tags, etc) + turn off bluetooth, wifi, gps
  • use a faraday bag, screen protector, mic-lock
  • protect privacy: mask up, avoid identifying photos
  • remove metadata from images + footage
  • disable message previews on lock screen
  • leave signal threads before actions or delete apps

 

In my scheduling I accidentally double-posted. So, if you haven’t checked it out yet, read my retrospective on LiveJournal after getting inspiration for your own cozy corner.

(Editor’s Note: If there is no image here, it’s because I played around with Roomtodo for far too long before wandering off…)

Did I find anything cool lately? Let’s see…

Found a new blog! I’ll link to it twice.

And if you didn’t know about this handy site already, there is https://archive.ph/! I’ll be linking that too.

Oh, hey, let’s talk about Proton! It’s another company I yeeted into the trash! They were on thin ice when they started doing their own LLM-Not-AI-Actually nonsense, then a cryptocurrency wallet, and then, just in time for me to intercept my annual subscription renewal…

Hugely disappointing to see Andy Yen (Proton CEO) tout the Republican Party as the ones “standing up for the little guys” 🤢@jonah@neat.computer

Here is an archived Mastodon thread, and for dessert here’s Reddit raking him over the coals. Forget the lack of surprise; I can’t bring myself to be disappointed. But I’m still annoyed because I just recommended Protonmail to someone.

So there’s another OOPS, in my opinion: don’t tie your entire workload into the same suite. It is convenient (just ask Google), but then I found myself having to scramble for five different alternatives at the same time. If I used their Docs feature (?) in any capacity, it would’ve been six.

But, you know, I collect links and programs like some sort of digital hedgehog-dragon, because it’s always great to have options. On top of manual backups, I can export and import most things. I’ve uninstalled everything Proton-related and in the process of spinning down the Mail portion.

And in case someone wants to know, since they’re also looking. I’ve currently settled on

And nah, what I went with certainly aren’t endorsements. And I could be terribly, terribly wrong about any of these.

OK, gwan, git. Read about LiveJournal and if you’re old enough and been there, reminisce with me. And don’t judge me for going back to Google Calendar.

I have fond memories of it. I first heard about it in high school through a friend of mine. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to obtain one of their coveted invites– an email and code that a current user had to send you. Until they opened registration for everyone, I made do with other platforms like BlogDrive.

BlogDrive's site loaded in a browser, but there is only a database error.
Nothing gold can stay.

Livejournal won me over with all the features they had tha BD lacked, like communities and privacy options for each of your entries. And I could finally read the entries my HS bestie was posting behind the "Friend Locked" posts– "Flocked," for short. There was still a social aspect, but I chose LiveJournal over MySpace. I liked poetry and writing and I felt it was a better fit.

A few of my friends migrated with me from BlogDrive, but I made new friends there as well. I have really fond memories of the communities I was a part of. Especially the fanfiction and other fandom communities. Some of my longest Internet friends I have met through mutual interests or Friending Meme sprees. I’ve bonded with offline friends as well, who signed up or already had accounts, and our relationships grew closer because of it. We grew older together, read about each other’s lives and milestones. A few people on my Ride-or-Die list came from LJ and we are still thick as thieves!

I had my favorites, and I mostly hung around anything with video game news, yuri, random yousendit links (I discovered a lot of cool music this way), snark, and DRAMA comms. And we lived through some LiveJournal DRAMA. As usual, you have the occasional spat between two more more users, which would be documented in a community for its members to poke fun and laugh at. And then there was the communities created to make fun of the members of said community ("meta"). And then were were communities dedicated to just sniping at each other. And then there were the communities that would document "dumb stuff," whatever that was.

While the interpersonal clashes did happen, it was different from what we’re gonna get into next: LJ Capital-D DRAMA. This Drama impacted the entire website– and beyond.

Nipplegate was the first major upheaval under SixApart’s purview: somehow, people with breasts feeding their children was in violation of their rules in the year of our lord 2006. Nevermind tho, though– Strikethrough ’07 was where things really began heating up. Around 500 communities and journals were suspended with no warning– and no recourse. If you had interests listed in the bio that were sexually explicit– especially illegal sexual ones– your account was axed. Unfortunately, it was a baby-with-bathwater situation.

The goal here was to get journals with profiles that listed “child rape” or “pedophilia” as their interests to know they’re not welcome on LJ. Naturally, the list of sites submitted by groups like WFI likely included some friendly fire, including legitimate communities for abuse survivors, or, yes fandom. And we accidentally suspended some of those communities, but their data is not gone and will be restored once we get our shit together. Anil Dash, Meta Filter

For most of us in fandom, we did note that the disproportionate amount of suspended accounts were… gay. Very gay. Russia Would Totally Censor This gay. Suspicious, to say the least. And this happened again in the same year, this time under the moniker Boldthrough– as usernames were in bold instead of "struck out," like that would fool anyone.

Now, migrations or backups to other services was nothing new– whenever LJ servers went down, everyone panicked and made spare accounts or updated their archives. But after Boldthrough, it was different. Most of us saw the writing on the wall with its new Russian ownership, especially when it came to journalism and LGBTQ topics. Additionally, more people were fed up with having their transformative works disappear at the whim of moral guardians.

So we began to strike out (groan) for greener pastures.

Between LJ’s fuckups and FF.Net nuking NC-17 fic, the collective fandom-in-general had had enough. And that is how we got Archive of Our Own! It’s a more positive impact on the Internet compared to, say, Encyclopedia Dramatica (tldr edgelord wikipedia). There were also the software forks of the pre-Russian Livejournal code.

There was GreatestJournal— with it’s 1000 icon limit, a constant supply of pop culture snarkiness and role-playing hubs– until it quietly went offline.

Fandom Wank’s home of JournalFen held on for longer, but it grew dark in 2015.

Deadjournal and InsaneJournal are still alive and kicking.

And then you have Dreamwidth— founded in 2009 by former LJ employees with a commitment to their principles: Transparency, Freedom, Respect, and No Ads. To this day it is still highly recommended and thriving, especially compared to DJ and IJ. At least, it is much more widely known.

I’ve now owned a Dreamwidth account for the majority of my online presence. Even when I was mainly blogging on WordPress, I’d login to read other’s lives, works, and everything in between. Now, if I posted– that was another matter. But the older I become, the more I rely on journaling my life to remember the good and bad things (or just what I ate for dinner that one day last week). And I’ve become better at that habit.

But like most things on the Internet, old school Livejournal was something else. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

To get a more in-depth reads about LiveJournal, check out Strikethrough, Boldthrough, Nipplegate, and Russian Censorship: The Livejournal Saga.

Comfortable in my skin
Cozy with who I am
Comfortable in my skin
Cozy, cozy
Comfortable in my skin
Feet up above your sins
I love myself, goddamn
Cozy, cozy Beyonce’s “Cozy”

My Daily Motivator Calendar Thingy suggests that I "make a grown-up version" of a cozy calm-down corner (usually at day care centers and preschools that can help toddlers self-regulate). They list things like "books, plush tows, pillows, and a soft rug." And as that banger of an album is now stuck in my head, we can have the desire for personhood as a Black and Queer person.

A literal corner can help. After all, I love holding up the wall. It helps me reaccess and observe for awhile. Something soft. Somewhere quiet. It’d probably be like a cozy reading nook, with dim lighting and earth tones. Cranes in the Sky playing.

Or I can just go home.

If you thought my mental health was bad in 2020, let’s travel back to 201X when I had no car, no home (of my own), no employment that was actually paying me, no offline support network at the time, and couldn’t even get hired at the Family Dollar down the street. I was All In during this time– if no one would hire me, then fuck it, I’ll work with my friend (let’s call him Michael) in the IT business. You know, that thing I went to school for.

I was the frontend designer for our clients, while also branching out to customer service, server administration, invoicing, social media managing,  and… just shooting the shit as we stayed up late into the night, just working on whatever, putting on terrible movies like Atlantic Rim and Whatever the Fuck That Shamwow Guy Did with the Cameras. I loved those late nights. There were bad nights, too, like when we stayed up for days after a server move had our client’s sites down for that long. When we couldn’t sue the guy that used my artwork because our backups went up in smoke so we couldn’t prove our case. And hours cussing out [INSERT MONOPOLY INTERNET PROVIDER HERE] under our breath as they gave us the runaround.

And the clients.

Most were… fine. They just had us do backend stuff, update here and there, and call it a day. We never hear from them other than a request. Those clients got into our portfolio. But it was the other fuckers… the ones that were profoundly difficult, that went into another sort of book. One you could, say, burn. A Mean Girls reference, if you will.

A blue notebook with "BURN BOOK - IT Edition" on its cover, aping the style from the movie Mean Girls.

They really didn’t help the mental health.

The worst ones would be hurling insults and outrageous shit. Michael, being far more charismatic that I was, took most of the phone calls– and the abuse. Fortunately, he gave as good as he got– if not better– and we’d zipfile them their intellectual property and tell them to fuck off. But then there were the Memorable Ones that still stick on my claw (or however the saying goes).

The Textile Jerk This one I was really proud of, my first solid responsive layout. I have tested extensively and even utilized lightbox. But when it came time to pay the second half of the invoice, he refused, claiming that the code sucked, the layout sucked, the colors sucked– but somehow, did not say a word about this despite our preliminary mockups and design queries.

The Pixel Pusher If a button was one pixel away from the one beside it, we’d get a call about it. They went back and forth on color changes. They threw an absolute fit when this border looked slightly different in IE than Firefox. A fucking nightmare.

The Equus ferus caballus That Couldn’t This was to be our magnum opus. We were getting into Ruby on Rails, and it was a delightful process. We had a beautiful layout, chill color scheme, video intro, the works. We even committed the cardinal sin of throwing in extra flourishes and work because we were passionate about the project. Everything seemed great. Until a new name entered our communications and started tearing everything down (I suspect clashes on their end). The project halted, and it never got off the ground.

The Amusing One It just had the sort of thing designers snicker at– a photographer with a lot of books being set on fire or something. But hey, that’s what he wanted, and that’s what I remember him for. It could have been a lot worse. Oh, and this solidified my hatred for coding for Flash. But that wasn’t his fault.

The Discount Palpatine I shit you not this dude was trying some weird ass Jedi mindtricks or psychological hypnosis, intoning phrases strangely. After our conference call I went "What the hell was he doing!?" Michael told me some of the more sinister subliminal nonsense salespeople like to try. The app they wanted? Gambling related.

Honorable mentions go to the companies we had business dinners with, or started off on great footing… only to dissolve, disappear, or get arrested and thrown in jail for fraud.

And we had one client foolish enough to refuse to pay us, so we just shut off their server. Legally, it was probably bad form, but still hilarious in a petty way.

So… that was what we were dealing with.

I put up boundaries. I paced myself. I made sure to step away and refused to work weekends. But it wasn’t enough. It all grew too much and I was let go from my own company because I was spiraling so badly, beyond burnout… and I couldn’t be paid for what I was doing, anyway. We couldn’t afford me. The company eventually folded, but Michael lasted much longer than I did.

Until a business partner stole $10,000 from him.

Ultimately, as usual, all of our ills came down to money. They didn’t want to pay what the service actually cost– if they wanted to pay at all. Chargebacks were a common occurrence, with Paypal siding with the customer more often than not. Scope Creep was constant battle and like Textile Jerk, suddenly had excuses to put off paying the bill.

I don’t miss that shit.

BONUS: for more horror stories, read Clients from Hell.