Category: Journal (UnCat)

The default category.

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haven’t done an off-the-cuff post in a minute, lessgo

…

I’ve had shit luck when organizations and people claim to be apolitical. It’s either Just Unpleasant or there’s a jarring difference in opinion/morality. And I’ve added one more to that streak.

It’s the same as being neutral, isn’t it? To not "pick a side" or "make a stand"? And what is being apolitical if it is not neutral?

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality. Desmond Tutu

It was a rift with Pink Pistols and I ultimately could not overcome. So when I saw the promotion going on in another (apolitical) LGBTQ group, I had to say something.

A Discord conversation.A Pink Pistol Organizer responds to my initial query: "What are your thoughts on allowing cops, again?". They say "Nothing has changed Albi-- the nationwide group is all inclusive-- No matter profession, race. etc. We are a chapter of the nationwide group and follow the same principles." I continue with "Because you might wanna make that REALLY CLEAR and UPFRONT so our community members can make informed decisions. So, yeah, you allow cops in a LGBTQ-Forward space." A moderator then closes the conversation. "And I am going to stop this right here. Because this is veering into the realm of politics." (To which The PP Organizer says, "Thank you.")
I am not nice.

This other "apolitical" organization silenced me by

  • deleted the comments of myself and others that expressed concern, and
  • banned me with no warning

And before those two things, a mod did say my my statement was Political and needed to go into the appropriate channel. Wasn’t thrilled (and to that I said "what the fuck?" but halted the convo from my end), but it was more of a server rule than a silencing tactic. Just not a good look, I suppose.

But what else can you expect? I brought up an important point and a valid request, but that doesn’t matter because I was

  • aggressive
  • antagonistic
  • rude
  • disrespectful
  • starting drama
  • being all those other cool words akin to fire

And you know what? Fine. I’ll own up to it. I’m a blunt abrasive mean cuntbitch who led their decorum out back and put it out of it’s fucking misery ten years ago. But that does not make my statements any less important. Y’all forgot that someone’s anger is part of the education. And this is a derailment tactic I am more than intimate with.

BIPOC expressing their concerns are always "starting trouble" about issues that "aren’t important."

Because protecting the reputation of an organization is more important than actually being a safe space for LGBTQIA and BIPOC people.

And Another Thing

The Virgo in me can’t let this go:

Yes, that was the most I’ve said in that group for the four years I was in it.

And why was I an inactive member for so long? Because it was predominately white and made me, a BIPOC person, uncomfortable and I felt unwelcome, frankly. They also have been allowing LEOs as their security for 1-2 years now, which made my interest in attending events dip even lower. Maybe someday, I thought, I’ll go to one if I’m really bored or something, and that just never happened– or was never a priority because there were much better spaces I could visit. And it was one of the many, many Discord servers I don’t frequent, anyway.  so that’s why i rarely went to any of your bitchass rgb-bootlicking events

What Did We Learn?

Look into the things you want to join. Really look into them, and if you can’t find the answer, straight up ask them. Since their documentation and blog post doesn’t outright say "COPS ARE OKAY THOUGH," I assumed they weren’t. My bad. Don’t be like me, kids.

If someone or something is "apolitical," proceed with caution. Pink Pistols claims to be (to their credit, to maintain a "single issue" stance so as not to lose focus of their main goal), and it caused… this. (It certainly didn’t help, imo.)

And lastly, who keeps us safe? We keep us safe. Several servers are Going Through It right now since I started this cascade. And I’ve yet to see (m)any cisgender allies show up and get banned, muted, or silenced with the rest of us– the T in LGBT. (Not that I can confirm that or anything… I’m banned. 🙂 )

Whiteness is STUBBORN. Scroll back a bit for that one.

And remember your history, lest you’re doomed to repeat it.

…or some shit

 

 

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Remember a time when: you were ready for a change. How did you know? What did you do first?

As usual, it varies on how I get started. But my biggest changes had one thing in common:

I got fed up.

It was too exhausting, or repetitive, or I was confronted with the fact that something wasn’t good for me anymore and it was pissing me off.

I didn’t like it.

I had an itch to do better.

An opportunity presented itself and I took it.

With stackable shelving, I finally have my books presentable and clutter contained!

A woman surrounded by various stackable organizational containers.

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First: Donate

I should go through said books and donate ones that I never got around to reading, outgrew, or just plain don’t want anymore. Or, it’s time I pass a book on for someone else to carry for awhile. I’ve done that before.

Same for my office and bath/beauty supplies. I tend to double up; I need to take better stock of what I have and use that up first. If I have anything unopened, I’ll donate those too.

Then: Trash

But… My biggest weakness? Paper and Trinkets and Free Stuff from Events. I have a whole self dedicated to business cards, mail, posters, news papers, random literature, magazines, and comics I haven’t sorted to their boxes yet. I collect things to read later. I grab stickers, bookmarks, cool napkins.

Occasionally I sort through my stack of papers to see what I need, and what I can convert digitally. Cool things go in the scrapbook. Everything else is recycled.

My closet is… a mess. I need to dedicate a weekend just going through everything.

Also: Upkeep

We use the Tody app to keep track of chores. On Sundays (the start of the week!) I set aside time for that task and do it, even if it’s for a few minutes. And when I Spring Clean about once-a-year, I do some serious decluttering.

Magpie-like, I have an acrylic shelf dedicated to rocks, more stickers, curios, meaningful whatevers, and what have you. I like having containers for everything, and everything has a place.

And: For Fun?

If I’m feeling really ambitious, I go through my Downloads folder on my computer. Clean out and backup Documents and Projects. Take a peek in the cloud storage, and the backup, and the backup’s backup. I’ve been particularly bad at this; I’ve had downloads hanging around from 5 years ago. On top of that, pruning your online accounts is a good idea. And your blog drafts…

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I don’t know where my draft went, so let’s take it from the top.

Design Your Ideal Reading/Writing Space 1

I like being in the corner. It could be a couch corner or a cozy chair in a corner. It goes without saying that a couch would be big enough for a warm blanket and a couple of pillows, but the chair will need to be the right size for that. It’ll also need those large plush armrests so I can drape my legs over them when I feel like curling up. Reclining feature isn’t mandatory, but would be nice for the rare times I’d want it.

So. Chair in corner. Next to it, a table wide enough for a drink, snacks, glasses, and book to place when I put it down for a nap. Other side, a floor lamp with variable dimness. I like the ones with two bulbs– one for the entire room pointing up, and a smaller one to point where you please.

Oop, we need a bluetooth speaker! Let’s stick it on the table, which is not far from the outlet. And the table’ll need a lil nook to charge phone/tablet/eReader.

A writing desk wouldn’t be far from the reading space. I don’t like writing on those lapdesk things (they’re handy, though!). Small enough to stand up my notebooks, have a laptop to the side when I’m not using it– and plenty of space to write! A small vase of pens. A small, dedicated lamp for this area, and an office chair that does the job. Or whatever chair; I’m not picky.

Tying it all together is a shaggy rug you can roll around on, and a coffee table for more table space. You can play Scrabble! And, conveniently, you can also lay on the floor and read with your hedgehog stuffies. As for the walls… eh, what the hell, throw some Christmas lights up there along with GDBee’s art. The rest of it can be covered in bookshelves.

Lastly, colors. I’m thinking dark colors for this area, earth tones. And to contrast, things like blankets and pillows would be some bright patterns or something. I just throw shit together in a deliberately kitsch way.

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Everyone has their The One That Got Away story.

I’m no exception.

Let’s call her Sally.

We met in college and became friends. We were a close-knit group, most of us in the same field of study. We both liked anime and hanging out on the Internet.

I had a crush on her. But the crushing-on is what happens an awful lot with my friends, so I kept it to myself. I always end up having crushes on my closest friends. Nothing new.

I came out as bisexual (pansexual) with my first girlfriend, long-distance. It was… fine. But the crush in my friend never abated like it was "supposed" to. And when we broke up, I felt relieved and free to pursue this crush.

Except I never did.

We were thick as thieves by then, and I always stopped myself. Through all the friend dates, late nights, misadventures, and super deep personal conversations– I cut myself short. Because we were FRIENDS, I was terrified of ruining the FRIENDSHIP. Even after a drunken night at another friend’s, confessing that I still had feelings before promptly blacking out, I kept that to myself.

[truncated]

… most of today’s entry is too raw to post. In short: I had a friend, I crushed hard, never pursued in fear of "ruining the friendship," and that is one of my biggest regrets.

I went to her wedding. She was beautiful. I watched her tie the knot to another man I couldn’t bring myself to hate.

And you wanna know what’s fucking tragic?

She always wanted to ask me out. Despite me saying boneheaded Baby’s First Closet Outing Foot-in-Mouth disease shit, she actually wanted more, at some point. Because she wondered if she was queer, too. Until her mom beat the thought out of her.

I was never told this until years after the wedding by a mutual friend. I was furious at him for never saying anything. Didn’t he see we were both crippling shy people who couldn’t take a hint if it bit them on the ass? But I can’t be too mad; he was probably sworn to secrecy. Just as I demanded that he don’t say a damn word to nobody once I recovered from blacking out at his house.

Last week, I uttered these words of wisdom when someone asked me for advice: "If your friendship breaks because one of you caught feelings, was the friendship ever strong enough to begin with?"

With Sally, I’ll never know.

And that is the most painful thing.

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My Favorite Meal

I’m a simple creature; ask my nesting partner. When it’s my turn to make dinner it follows a formula: protein and vegetable. Sometimes I’ll remember to add a starch (rice, noodle, potato, bread) but I’d rather double up with another veggie. But more often than not, the third space on the plate is Some Sort of Sweet Thing you can have, as a treat.

I love seafood. When dining out, my current vibe is starting off with raw oysters, more seafood, another veggie, and dessert if there’s room for it. And let me tell you about those seafood boil places. Though nothing beats doing it at home. A shame I live in an apartment now.)

Most times, I’m in that coffeehouse vibe. Coffee, sandwich, snack. That’ll depend on the menu itself, but I enjoy the yogurt or cereal bowls in a pinch. And a scone.

For special occasions (like when my iron is low :eyeroll:), I love a good steak! Medium-rare, with roasted vegetables and some of those lil potatoes.

My favorite thing to cook is chicken. Or rather, cornish hen! I have a tip for you: Cut the whole chicken in half, season it, marinate for one hour or overnight, and put that sucker in the oven. Which reminds me, I need to grab chicken wings. I love baking those til they’re crispy.

I am not ashamed of grabbing a rotisserie chicken for dinner when I don’t feel like cooking a lot. I’ve become incredibly picky when it comes to fast-food stuff (as in, I shouldn’t be eating any). But Cookout still has my number.

Single-Purpose Items in my Kitchen

We have some typical stuff, like lemon juicer, crappy veggie peeler (or I just could be using it wrong), potato masher, garlic squisher, finger slicer …I need a mortar and pestle. And maybe a handheld cheese grater. But I got a couple of favorite.

A Salad Tosser: I make a lot of salads, and I really don’t want to get listeria, so I rinse the hell out of my lettuce and greens. This prevents my salads from being a soggy mess. (I know it’s a salad spinner, but I heard that joke in F is for Family and it’s my joke now.)

I feel like I need… a salad chopper. Could definitely use a food chopper; I’m always chopping on things.

Immersion Blender: I don’t use it often, but when I need it I NEED IT. Especially helpful for soups that require some blending– don’t have to mess with a dozen blender parts. Bonus wire wicker attachment.

Waffle Maker: Waffles are great, and you can toast all sorts of things in there! I don’t use it nearly enough; I should fix that soon.

Fortunately, my weakness for gadgets only applies to electronics. As much as I love avocados, I don’t need a dedicated slicer that badly. But I did invest in some cut-resistant gloves.

But do I have any cooking advice?

Just put garlic in everything (the savory stuff, at least).

If a recipe calls for a certain amount of seasoning, double it. I’ve lost track of how many times I followed steps to the letter, only to have it tasting bland.

Biggest Hot Take

You don’t need to cook with salt. Just use seasoning, dang it! Salt can have its applications (like in baking), but it’s not a seasoning!

You also probably don’t need that much sugar, either!

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  • how I eat: Have more vegetables, and a variety of them. I guess that means… eating kale
  • work out more. seriously. I’m starting gym next month!
  • but also, when/how. actual schedule
  • my writing process– kinda haphazard. actually use outlines and things
  • how i get up in the mornings– like my writing processes, kinda haphazard
  • the organization of my closet– three guesses how that is
  • be less socially awkward to the point of freezing
  • being at parties, bring board games to potlucks (and an eReader)
  • how I’m on the Internet– should prob pull back a little, also, I deleted FB… what else can I do?
  • how i take notes (i am this close to learning shorthand)

I’m sure there’s a lot more, but those are on the forefront.

 

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…How does that song go? The Future Freaks Me Out so I don’t give it too much mind. I do plan for it and give it the respect it needs, but that feels like the bare minimum. I have been breaking myself of this habit, however, because things can be so much better if I give it more time and think about it!

The present is the second-most thing I concern myself with; I operate on "assume this is permanent" instead of "assume this will end some day" when it’s feasible– especially for love and relationships and stuff. (I know this isn’t part of the question, but it popped up nonetheless. We’ll mark this train of thought for later.)

So, my answer: The Past.

I love me some rumination about the past! I love retrospection of what I’ve experienced, seeing them with more mature eyes.

I get lost in what-ifs when I’m not reliving the moments. It wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out that most of my posts are of past experiences that I’ve been reflecting on.

And let’s face it, I miss the 90s. Back when technology was a new thing and seemed so promising, when it felt like we had a future. I even miss the 80s, and that’s far more hiraeth than nostalgia– I didn’t actually experience any of it firsthand, being a baby and all, but voraciously through my parents and older peers. And I am a fucking sucker for nostalgia. Retro stuff, too– I listen to people that can talk hours upon hours about computers that no longer exist.

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This is what happens when you have a banger of an earworm in your head, insomnia, and you’re mad about something. So here is my parody to the tune of Chappell Roan’s "Good Luck, Babe!" Shoutout to the rhyming dictionary and a thesaurus, couldn’t have done this without you.

A Black femme-presenting person sitting and giving the side-eye. DELETE BABE is off to the side.
Stock Photo by OG Productionz

Resigned, abused
Community Standards insist I’m still unbruised
My data, misused
With Bortposting, cats, and celebs keeping me amused

I cannot just up and leave
How I’m gonna spam these memes?
I’m gonna stave off FOMO with passive scrolling

Chorus:
You can cuss out bigots every hour
Install plugins and adblock, use a dummy email
You can state a fact or just defend yourself
AI moderators throw you in FB Jail
Delete, babe! (Delete!)
Just delete, babe! (Delete it!)
You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling
Delete, babe! (Delete!)
Just delete, babe! (Delete it!)
You gotta gray your name to return to meaning

Who gives, a fuck?
Everything is there though viewing what you want takes luck
We are trapped, with this muck
This shit don’t help my depression, but our support network is stuck

Think I’ll finally just leave
Even though I’ll miss those memes
I just want true connection and stop this scrolling

(Chorus)

When you stay up with your phone through the hours of the night
With that glare in your eyes: cop blue with pound-six-F whites
And when you think about my sites, web two point oh
You flounder while I code, "I told you so"
I gave links to elsewhere, I told you so
I hate repeating myself, but: I told you so!

(Chorus)

You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling
You gotta gray your name to return to meaning
You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling