I partook in a class about, well, shooting guns. It’d been in the back of my mind for quite some time now, and I’ve finally stopped putting it off. Saturday found me at 9:05 AM bundled up but ready to listen and take a lot of detailed notes. They’re a little dry, so they’re at the end.
My Thoughts
Well.
I feel a little better. Like the rest of the class I’ve improved, and the terror of handling a firearm is abating just a little– they’re becoming demystified, for lack of a better word. I definitely felt bad for some parts of the class: awkward, frustrated, and wanting to just get it over with. In the end, it was a very positive experience overall. The feeling of accomplishment supersedes just about everything else, and now I know what I need to work on (posture, not flinching, aiming with crosseyed-dominance, and just "let the gun do").
My moment of shame, though? When I locked the gun and made it unusable. I stood there feeling pretty awkward while everyone else got another round in. This did give me the opportunity to try another pistol for awhile. Variety, spice of life, and all that jazz hands.You bet I’ll be on a quest for an ambidextrous gun because as usual every fucking thing is made for right-handed people.
I have to be gentle with myself. Of course, I was bad at it. I haven’t shot a pistol in years! But that is what practice is for. And this is something that shouldn’t be rushed. Once again, I bring up the car metaphor: putting a loaded magazine into the gun felt very much like the first time I got behind the wheel of a vehicle. Fucking terrified. But now, years and years later, I’m getting into that little metal can of death every day going up to 80 miles per hour.
Someday, hitting the smaller steel target six times in a row will be just like driving down to my local comic book shop. I would have taken classes, took tests, and gained more experience.
This is absolute nerd/Virgo/turbonerd behavior, but I like gifts I could use. Useful (subjective) gifts, like appliances. No lie, one of the most favorite things I ever received was an electric kettle– gifter just had to right the wrong of my heating up water in the microwave. I drink a lot of tea.
That’s only second to…
whatever someone wants to get me, because they thought of me while they were getting it. I do think it is the thought that counts.
But if you combine the two, there is the perfect gift!
After that depressing previous post, I could sure use a nice bowl of ramen right now. Just the classic Tonkotsu. It’s also cold out, so I’m leaning toward warm soupy things. Unfortunately, the ramen place that I loved to go to closed down when I wasn’t looking, so I’ll need to search for a new spot.
No, not Silverlake Ramen. It gets the job done, but it lacks a lot of the flavor ramen could have. I do love those lil pork buns tho.
oh… you said snack. In that case, I’ve been loving almond butter and apple slices lately. Or snack-sized ramen? Wait, maybe those pork buns. Or a red bean bun. Or–
I only went to one, and it was frankly what you’d call… not quite on the level. A scam, bluntly. I’ve been saying Degree Mill for years, but that may not be accurate. (Is it still a Degree Mill if the money wasn’t your own?) I worked for my degree as I took out loan after loan; it was just predatory, overpriced, unaccredited, and full of shady practices.
And if you were real unlucky, you had teachers that really shouldn’t have been in those positions. My field of study had a decent and caring staff compared to the other departments. I’ve witnessed accessibility needs being ignored, abuse toward students, and alarming incompetence that prepared no one for how the industries actually worked. I legitimately hope the Fashion Design students gets their pound of flesh for what they had to go through.
…And this was a for-profit school, so all of this is hardly a surprise in retrospect.
But the kicker? Didn’t help that no employer in the field post-graduation took it seriously. Once I got out, I had this stigma that I couldn’t shake off due to where I went. Despite my portfolio (which won an award!) I was perhaps just not cut out for what the industry required. If I was in a different environment I would have figured that out a lot sooner and gracefully pivoted. I can admit that now.
The Wal-Mart cashier tried to warn me. I excitedly told them I was starting in a few months, and all I could remember that whatever they said was pretty negative (and the fact that their nails were purple-glittery and gorgeous). I left the store with the wind sucked out of my sails, for sure. But still, I didn’t really listen, because going to college was the thing we were all supposed to do. And this school, I felt like, would get me out into the real world faster after focusing on only what I wanted to study.
(And a note here– at least at the one I attended, the school inflated their post-employment rate by a metric fuckton. When you’re counting unrelated jobs like cashier and warehouse worker as "gainful employment" those numbers start to look really good.)
Yes, I know. The people I met on this journey and all of that. Love them. But that’s not enough to be content with this particular choice. It’s why I hate to admit that attending this school was one of my biggest regrets, and this post is the longest I’ve talked about it toward people that Have Not Been There. I don’t feel great about it, point-blank, and I feel worse that I don’t feel great about it.
It’s understandable that this part of my life has the most amount of "What Ifs." Maybe I would’ve had a more well-rounded life if I went to State Bird University and broke out of my (sheltered) shell. I could’ve gone to an HBCU for the cultural health my elementary-middle-high school sorely lacked. I could have had THE typical experience of living in a walkable self-contained ecosystem with brick, glass, and as some jerkass put it, "four more years of coddling." And I could have grown beyond what I thought would make me money the fastest while also be something I loved. There could have a different path forged with different passions.
If there’s Gifted Kid Burnout, what’s this version? Degree Mill Scammed Burnout? I was so proud to be the first of our immediate family to go to college. Now, not so much. I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I didn’t do this one yesterday, so we’re doing it today.
My perfectionism and procrastination are big hurdles I’m still slowly overcoming. I get so caught up in the idea that something has to be done RIGHT that I drown in the details.
A current example is setting up a meeting place: it has to be the right distance from everyone, with the exact atmosphere I want to cultivate, with the cuisine I think will pair best with our topic, and… it spirals into A LOT. I do my ruminating, then I procrastinate because I can’t pull it off 100% flawlessly so is it even worth doing?!
Or not get around to it at all.
Another example is my VTubing/Streaming. For the longest time I was focused on getting a character together, lore, rigging, my gimmick, schedule, what games to focus on, what tools to use, how to use them… until one night I got fed up with dithering and just did the thing. No one was there to see how bad it got, but I did learn from it and everything else fell into place. I’m currently giving myself the grace of another break before February to sort out what I want to do– and to pivot to other tools I’ve needed to switch to in the past year.
I have saying that helps me: "at least it was better than it was." And, at least I made progress, no matter how small it is.
Jan 2: Do you play in your daily life? What says “playtime” to you?
The easiest answer would be games– video or board. But to broaden that out, I feel like do play constantly. I have lil stuffies I menace my partners with (affectionately). I goof off, determined to have fun in a boring environment. I wander off trails. I try to climb things I shouldn’t. Sports are great, too, especially one where you just do it for shits and giggles.
But is there an adult version of playtime? (No, not that; let’s keep it PG.) I have way more fun cleaning and organizing than most people. And I suppose you can make games out of anything, like… doing taxes?
And this one, I’m doing for fun today:
Dec 27: You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?
It’d definitely be a nook of some sort, with either a cushy armchair or the corner piece of a couch. An adjustable small table you can pull above your lap or keep it beside where you’re sitting. It can recline, or be long enough for the option to put your legs up or whatever comfortable position you want to contort yourself into. The ideal chair would be a chaise lounge, though, where you could really curl up in there and nod off!
We’re thinking cozy, with enough carpet and/or furniture to not have terrible giant brewery or airy coffeeshop acoustics.
Obligatory tree-in-a-pot, some plants. I’m also a sucker for the wood-and-metal trend in interior design– at least for bookshelves and tables. The chairs will remain soft. That’s all for the reading part of the room.
As for writing, that’s going to be a little bit harder. I wouldn’t want it too close to the reading space because it’s so relaxed– but if that can’t be helped, I can roll with that.
And as much as I love those lapdesk things, I am not fond of writing on them. I like the idea of a dedicated writing desk, clear of everything except all the notebooks I’m working in (current count is three, and I don’t know what I’m doing yet for the fourth I received for Christmas). They’ll be upright between inspiring, colorful bookends. Jar of common writing implements. Oh, and the desk will have drawers for extra paper and stationary. When I’m using the laptop, it can be easily transported or put to the side for pen and paper. Desk chair would be a nice office chair because I deserve it.
And the lamps! A much smaller one for the desk, and brighter than the bigger one by the reading chair/nook/couchpart that’s also adjustible in its dimness.
Oh, and we can’t forget coasters.
And let’s throw a small table with coffeemaker, electric kettle, brewing stuff…
What about decor? Other than bookshelves full of books and cool nicknacks, I’m drawing a blank. I do have, in my mind’s eye, dark red somber walls and dark wood paneling. Pretty Gothy.
There will be blankets. Can’t have a reading space without blankets. And a little space heater.
Note to self: this should be something to doodle out. That would be fun.
Bonus
I’m doing Get Your Words Out this year again, and it’s the word count challenge this time. When I need to keep track of how many I’m putting down, 750 Words is great for that. To see how I did on this entry, click here for today’s stats.
I keep in my heart the person that passed away earlier this (last) year. They were so bright and radiant for others and our community. I remember their words, their presence in the teahouse as they bathed the rooms with sound. I remember their smile.
I drink a glass of chilled mint water in contemplative silence.
When it is warmer, I will stroll along the greenway later today.
Afya
Same as it ever was– eat more veggies, work out more. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m just feeling Down at the moment, but I feel like I haven’t improved much. I’ve still my health issues, but… I did trek up and down a few mountains in Costa Rica (exaggerating for effect) and felt winded, but good. I even climbed a tree! I can be proud of that.
Today, I’d like to take another walk. Or have a nice (but healthy!) snack after trying out a class that you can work out with a stick. Or some pilates. And stretches.
But the most important thing for me is rest and read. If that is all I end up doing, that is okay.
Also: join my local queer-owned gym and start taking classes, for camaraderie, accountability– and to support a queer Black-owned business!
Nyumba
I have a Discord group that is currently observing KuchuQwanzaa as a server-wide group event.
I’ve been getting back in contact with extended family members; we’re bad at keeping touch (mostly me, to be fair). But since Facebook is getting yeeted I need to put in more effort. And lemme call my cousin!
At Pride this year, there was a booth with some information about Pauli Murray. I will read some of her poetry today, from Dark Testament and Other Poems.
At the Harvey B. Gantt museum, I participated in some Kwanzaa celebrations for Ujima. There was dancing, discussion, art– and community.There was acknowledgment of all of our different paths, and the need to support each other: intersectionality.
In between events I roamed the art exhibits and saw the work of one Darryl Deangelo Terrell, who was "exploring queerness and desire by way of a ‘fat Black femme non-binary alter-ego’ named Dion," along with wanting ourselves released from the white gaze.
Elimu
Still on the whole Old Web / Web 2.0 / IndieWeb thing, so I’m definitely looking into server administration– I’m rusty. Once I complete a project or two I may tackle a sort of forum adminning. Or something like Instagram.
But how would I want to grow in 2025? Perhaps I can be better at helping people, and be more involved.
I’ve also got a bee in my bonnet about self-defense. The first weekend of 2025 I will have my first shooting lesson in a long while. I also plan to take additional classes with my friends and partners. And lastly, I got a nice solid wooden walking stick that I can do some Cane-Fu with.
Nia
WIZARD: Keeper of knowledge. It’s critical that you protect our histories and use that information to not only educate others but fight against aggressors with wisdom.Tawny Fritz
I found myself in this role, post-election. Whether it’s online spaces, resources, or communication lines– I aim to archive everything that I can while being involved with our queer community.
The official site also suggests that I take the day off work in honor of this principle, and it just so happens that I am at home– I’m not on the inventory team at work. Lovely!
On a more serious note, I have been greatly enjoying Kelela, Tyla, and Lil Nas X.Tyla’s "Water," especially, has been really popular for drag performances. And I saw Janelle Monae live in Raleigh earlier this year! It was so powerful to witness their I Stand With You speech, and I greatly appreciate their visibility as a non-binary person. And how am I just now discovering Doechii?!
AND FROM FLORIDA
For other creative feats, I really need to further establish my VTubing. I fell to the wayside near the end of the year and dropped my schedule. What is my angle going to be? Do I need a simpler model? What lore can I work on? I will take January off to figure that out, and resume streaming again just in time for Black History Month. Representation matters. Fortunately, I have been bumping around The Melanin Mafia so at least I have a solid support group.
I signed up for Get Your Words Out again, this year. I crushed the Habit goal of at 195 Days! But this time around I’m going for the number of words. Let’s see how that shakes out! There are a ton of blogging and writing challenges out there, so I can’t say I’d be bored. And… you know… all those WIPs…
Dhidi Chuki, Kiasiasa Utambulisho
The Call to Action because my ass ain’t goin’ nowhere. What else can I really say?
But remember. We will have each other. Remember mutual aid, community, helping one another.
And with that, here is the new year. Strap the fuck in because shit’s gonna be wild AF.
