My partners and therapists have been asking how I am feeling, post-election results. That’s the easy part: Disgust. Frustration. Rage. Determination and Resolve. Exhaustion. But out of all the emotions I can list, I can’t say I was surprised. A large part of me suspected the worst case scenario, and was proven right. And I hate it when my cynicism is justified.
My secondary feelings (the “emotions-to-the-emotions”) is an overwhelming… it’s not sadness. It’s resignation.
You’ve probably seen the images circulating around of the vote breakdown according to race. Most of the votes for Trump were overwhelmingly white– very similar to how 2016 shook out. And those numbers are damning. There have been various speculation as to why this happened. I keep tabbing out of this window and coming back, trying to sum up everything.
To be honest, I don’t want to.
I don’t see the point. Others have already said, and better. In a similar vein I permanently shelved a writing project debunking racist thought patterns that arrest potential dialogue because what’s the fucking point in adding another thinkpiece to the pile that is clearly getting dismissed?
I’m resigned because the vast majority of this country does not care to actually change things for the better. It would rather uphold Whiteness, and capitalism, and systematic oppression, and all the buzzwords the average Karen will tune out than grow and improve. Stacey said, if I may be glib, that there is no point in trusting white women, because performative pink pussy hats and blue bracelets are far more easier than turning the mirror on yourself and your culture.
I am resigned to the feeling that solidarity is so, so far out of reach. In my darkest thoughts, maybe it never was.
It would be so easy to isolate, shut down, don’t stick my neck out for nobody because fuck everybody else they don’t care about me. I am exhausted at defending my very existence, and for what? Those exit poll numbers? What was the fucking point?!
But I know that is wrong. My feelings are valid, yes, but me climbing into a hole of despair, disappointment, and bitterness won’t help anyone.
That’s what they want: to isolate myself.
So I will still not only exist, but be visible. I will help where I can, any way I can. I will still try to form community bonds and friendships and other ways of living in this world. I have family created and forged that I can rely on. I know who my people are.
And I will focus on that.
Outwardly, I am much more cautious and jaded.
I’m no longer extending the olive branch of my personhood and knowledge just so maybe I’ll be seen as human and treated as such. Perhaps every once in awhile I’ll get a bee in my bonnet and discuss this sort of thing, because that is just how I roll. But it won’t be in that outward, educating voice anymore.
I find myself exasperated as some are still insisting on “meeting in the middle,” trying to “change hearts and minds,” when that energy could be spent doing more productive things.
But.
It takes all kinds in a community, doesn’t it? If someone has more patience and energy than I in this endeavor, then I wish them the best. Maybe they’ll have more luck than I ever did.
So for funsies, I’m making a pronouns.page account and when I’m not looking up the unfamiliar terms, I’m wrapped up in the nuances of
agender
neutrois
nonbinary
gendervoid
genderqueer
And. So. On.
I love noodling over stuff like this. This is why I appreciate and enjoy microlabels. For the people that need them, they can convey exactly what they mean. And for ruminating introspective overthinkers such as myself, it is like a really good snack that I can’t put down.
I started out genderqueer… then neutrois… non-binary… now I’m feeling agender nowadays. Maybe gendervoid. Definitely staticgender–
I love making these.
–and oh my glob do not get me started on xenogenders we could be here all day! and neopronouns—
Ahem.
Some are happy with their Factory Settings, but I was always one of those folx who’ll mess with the settings menu and layout and colors until I get it just right. And change them again whenever.
It’s so cool how we can just customize our experience like this. If we want to.
That was the very first bumper sticker I ever put on my car… let’s say, almost two decades ago. Out of all the packers, rainbows, wigs, and glitter in that little LGBTQ shop, that was the item I ultimately came away with. It said everything I needed to say: I don’t have a problem with the whole god concept… I have a problem with the people that do horrible things in the name of their god. You don’t need to go far into the recent news cycles– and take note of the context of where I bought said bumper sticker– to see exactly what I mean.
When I slapped that thing on, I was a bit naive (or a bit dim): I didn’t think about any confrontation I may have had to endure. In the Bible Belt. And twice I was walked up to and asked to explain what I meant by that bumper sticker. Fortunately, everyone involved remained civil (the other party didn’t escalate and I kept my composure). I was also fortunate that they seemed satisfied with my response and didn’t get belligerent or even violent– doubly so when it was white folks stepping up to me, a Black stranger.
What was my answer? I simply had to Not All Religious People out those conversations. I specified “only the bad ones, and I assume you’re not one of them since we’re having a rational discussion in a parking lot instead of giving me an asphalt sandwich.”
I did have one more incident, and I promise it’s a funny one: I was dropping someone off and we were stopped at a red light. A car comes up behind me, and in the rearview mirror I see the driver absolutely losing his shit. It was after I stopped panicking that I realized that he was laughing, clapping, and pointing to the back of my car before giving me a thumbs up: turns out, that bumper sticker made his day.
I thought of that guy in my commute to work today, and I hope he’s living his best life.
I also thought of that bumper sticker… and how I’d probably get assaulted over it nowadays. Sigh.
As the WordPress environment is set aflame by one guy throwing a tantrum and lawyers sending each other strongly worded leaflets, I’m just sitting here glad that I made the switch to ClassicPress months ago. And, not for the first time, I noticed a trend in my social media restructuring: when it isn’t FOSS or decentalised, the sites I’m now most active on is a fork or reconstruction of what I grew up with.
While NekoWeb is admittedly a stretch (free hosting never went out of style), I have listed it because of how nostalgic it has made me. It’s what I keep repeating: the Old Web and how people used to build and decorate their online spaces. However, two services are forked from earlier concepts of their modern-day counterparts:
2018: WordPress 5.0 introduced the Block system
Dreamwidth forked from LJ as early as 2009
And SpaceHey is basically resurrected MySpace from the early 2000s or so… I was never on that platform proper pre-botched migration (it got better). It’s been interesting to see how it was, right now… and not as a kid, but an adult that does their own taxes and everything. I would’ve loved MySpace, especially for the hack to inject CSS. And I’m liking it now as an alternative to Facebook.
I may have been a little too excited in firing off a hasty fangirl-y email to an address that probably isn’t even monitored anymore, but I was so happy that I found the site I’ve been alluding to since college. All I had to do, all this time, was to browse my old middle-and-high school files for a certain animation with a certain username on it.
Blink and you miss it: http:// members. aol. com/ chibiusa97.(1) The pieces fell into place from there. So I sent an email. …Well, less polished and rushed than what you see here, perhaps, but the sentiment is the same.
Hello,
As I tend to do as Web 3.0 breathes down our necks, I sit back and reminisce about The Old Web… when everyone built their own little piece. I remember your website dedicated to Chibi Usa, who was also my favorite Sailor Scout. You had one of my favorite web pages in the late 90s, so I was always a little saddened that I could never remember the URL or who you were.
So, imagine my delight when I came across one of your old .ani files in my archives! A quick search of your username later and I navigated to your CS100 assignment. It’s still up, after all these decades. Coming across sites like that is like peering back into time.
The Internet is/was a very cool place, and I’m still amazed at how information is communicated on this medium, and how it has grown.
And how sites have inspired me, such as yours.
So I want to say, thank you. As a kid in 1997 browsing the Web in middle school Computer Club, to the almost-40 adult who still has a passion for this sort of thing. I hope you’re still in it, enjoying anime, and I hope this email reaches you well.
Take care,
“me”
I propose a toast for ChibiUsa97, and all the ChibiUsa97s still floating around, coding and enjoying what they love.
(1) That link no longer works, natch. However, you can view the page on the Wayback Machine. That hyperlink points to the version I’m most familiar with, but do slide around the timeline and see how it changed over the years!
It’s not often I am transported back to High School on a good memory. But with this album, I am. On some weekends with my two best friends, we’d pile up in the car and go see a show. It was typically down to Orlando, about an hour’s drive from our rural tiny towns. Until we got there we’d just talk, or play games to pass the time… like combining swear words to come up with the best (worst) one (and "Grasshopper" won that game in two seconds, with "cuntshit"). Eventually I’d see quite a few shows, wearing platform boots at the front of the stage if we weren’t at the merch tables or braving the mosh pit.
But there’s one show I remember the best.
It was Precious, a band my BFF followed and enjoyed when they lived closer to Orlando’s music scene. They have been telling me all about them, and I was excited to see them in person. And they came onto that stage and rocked. It had the hallmarks of a great live show: passion, stage presence, talent, and a responsive crowd that loved them.
In addition to their Rarities EP, I bought their second album titled "Whatever Sinks Your Ship." My favorite track, if I had to pick just one? "Youth and the Drug Explosion," for how it ends: the wail of the electric guitar, carrying on until it was the only instrument left. Steve just stood there looking cool. But overall, I love the lyrics.
Some lines I still carry around.
One of my greatest fears
Is I’d hit a motorcycler
And I think I see one coming up
Way too fast in my lane “Youth and the Drug Explosion”
There’s the beautiful.
Maybe you can be
Everything I need
The latitude and longitude
Of where I’m supposed to be “All Saints”
Some are more… blunt.
Work harder / and then you fucking die “Work”
And some I think are relatable.
I don’t need a chorus
I need somebody to hold my hand
Tell me everything is all right
What I really need right now
Is another somebody to hold me down
Tell me “Steve, you got it dead wrong” “I Wanna Die”
I saw them play at one other show, where someone had driven four hours to hopefully hear them cover "Bare Necessities."
We’ve kept in touch via AIM. The details of how we exchanged screennames escape me, but everyone was giving our their screennames willy-nilly back then. We’d chat for upwards an hour about current events, broad-strokes life things, and music. I tried not to bug him too often– he was an artist and a busy man. We kept in loose touch after I began college, until the messages tapered off completely.
I feared the worst– he was open about his kidney issues– but I’m happy to report that he’s still around. I’d been keeping a casual tab on what he’s been up to. He has been fundraising for a kidney, and after a long hiatus makes music under the name The Guarantees. But, every once in a while, I still yell Where is Steve Garron?! into the void. Out of habit.
And here’s a call to action for you: go to your local shows. There’s really nothing like them.
probably FFX-2 (but most definitely Unlimited SaGa)
Because it didn’t need all the hate I gave it. I will still argue that playing X-2 right after X can give you mood whiplash, but that didn’t deserve me writing paragraphs about how much it sucked. i’d do anything to find the bullshit i wrote so i can tear it to shreds It did carry the same score as Xenosaga, at one point, so I eventually did give it another go.
It’s fun! But don’t play it without a guide. Ask me how I know.
Unlimited SaGa was gorgeous and it’s one of my favorite games now. Other than presentation, I can’t quite remember why I dogged on it so much. That was probably the only reason. And that’s a damn shame. Its soundtrack did end up being one of my absolute I’ll-take-it-with-me-on-a-deserted-island albums.
Mary Sues
This is one of those things where I look back on and criiiiinge. You could say it was all about the sanctity of writing all you want, but if you look at the demographic of people that wrote self-inserts with sparkly eyes constantly stealing the limelight, something becomes apparent.
It was thinly-veiled an excuse to shit on creative teenage girls. (In my defense, I was also a teenage girl. At least I wasn’t a man in my 20s or 30s hatin’ on them. That’s fucking weird.) It’s still used today, but much less prevalent– and, if you ask the Old Heads, completely incorrectly. Mary Sues had, more or less, this sort of (highly subjective) criteria:
an OC (Original Character) author-insert
impossibly perfect (in looks and/or ability, or both)
accompanined by purple prose (“bad writing”)
terrible characterization (“more bad writing”)
an OOC (out-of-character) magnet for the canon cast
love interest to a canon character(s)
hasn’t done anything to earn in-story praise, credibility, attention, love…
And nowadays there are a few nuanced takes, such as this one on the PPC Wiki (or, "that thing where you spork stuff I guess"; please, i don’t want to further go into this where are you taking me):
Mary Sue is shallow: she cares only about herself and achieving her own goals. She is uninteresting, because she has no real conflict. Neither is she well-crafted, but characterized almost exclusively by how she looks, or how much her past sucks, or how good she is with her skill of choice. Worst of all, she warps or shoves aside everything we love about the canon and its people in order to put herself forward. Mary Sue has no respect for the work into which she intrudes. “Mary Sue” at PPC Wiki
Now I’ve noticed it’s been thrown around as code for "this female character is too cool, and I’m jealous actually." Straight up misogyny (and when it applies, misogynoir). The most recent example of this particular type of "Canon Sue" is Rey from the Star Wars franchise. Which, as Lily Orchard pointed out, was ironic considering Rey’s characterization suffered and became a "Mary Sue" in order to appeal to the very same people complaining about her (source). Star Wars fans really hate themselves.
There was a website called "Mary Sue Dolls" where someone did those little pixelized representations of, well, people’s Mary Sue characters. I loved flipping through them and seeing how elaborate they could get. I haven’t been able to find an archive, but I faintly remember the last years of that domain. It was still up, but with an apology on the only page.
But yeah. Let fanfic writers have fun. Let girls have fun, ffs.
If you hate bad writing and characterization, just fucking say that.
If you still don’t know WTF I’m talking about, or just want to know more, Izzzyzzz‘s video is pretty succinct.
Kelly, of “Shoes” fame
In college I was like "ew what is this vapid garageband bullshit." Fortunately, that pretentious shit only lasted a couple of months, if not days. Especially when I noticed Kelly’s songs were helping my then-girlfriend get through a tough time. If people love and take strength from something, could it really be that bad? Honestly, if you can create art with any tools at your disposal, it’s still freakin’ art.
Also, I was sold once I heard "Txt Msg Brkup." That was a banger.
Final Fantasy VII Remake (and so on)
I’m a little ashamed to admit this: when an actual Remake for Final Fantasy VII became reality– not a hoax or tech demo!– I was annoyed. Maybe even… livid. I took the announcement as a personal affront and cynical cash grab. You name it, I said it. I wasn’t happy that they were messing with my baby.
…Yes, it’s actually their baby, but I didn’t have to be happy about it, damn it!
And yet, I followed it’s development up to launch from the corner of my eye. I was still intrigued and curious. The more I read, the more I softened up the the reality of the thing, and eventually I made my peace with it. I wished I could have been more charitable from the start, regardless of what it’d become. The original will still be there for me to enjoy, after all.
Also, it brought us this:
CHERITH!!! Mod by Crandifff.
How about some engagement?
So– what stuff did you hate, but ended up loving– or at the very least, tolerating? Leave a comment and I’ll eventually drag it out of the comment filters! :3
A ramble from my previous post about movies, exactly what it says on the tin! We were poor and didn’t have cable. And don’t fucking act like you wouldn’t pirate Disney movies nowadays.
Jokes aside, my dad was a huge fan of animation, and Disney was definitely up there. Middle fingers to The Establishment were secondary.
Maybe.
The Rescuers Down Under
I feel like this entry is one of the most under-rated Disney movies, and to this day I am not sure how it just flew under everyone’s radar– it doesn’t seem to have cult classic vibes, either. It’s an absolutely beautiful film!
…oh it went up against Home Alone. Say no more.
The Great Mouse Detective
Two words: Vincent Price. With his criminal brain. And definitely not a rat.
Rock-A-Doodle
Gotcha! It’s a common mistake. Bluth did work for Disney for awhile, tho.
The Little Mermaid
I like mermaids.
101 Dalmations
The music.
Bambi
The music.
Peter Pan
I’ll be honest, I loved this movie as a child. There was adventure! Kids were flying! Tiger Lily was my imaginary best friend! but when i got older OH SHIT THAT SHIT WAS RACIST
Or, "What Do You Mean, It’s Not Spelled ‘Formulative’?!" (But seriously, thanks for over-the-shoulder proofreading, Nesting Partner! Maybe I should have an editor on retainer…)
Or, movies I played repeatedly to the point where the VHS tape player started making funny noises. These are movies that I still quote, reference, or just refer to/think about quite often. While some remained on their original tapes, most of the ones I saw were copies. There were also some interesting snippets like
That Scene from Robocop 2 set to a Prince song
*record scratch* wait, what?
We’ll set down some foundation.
Back then, we didn’t have torrents and seeders and CD/DVD burners. We had family-owned rental stores and the setup at home: VHS machines, a stereo, two televisions, and a lot of cables. I apparently have miss-remembered how the copy protection was thwarted– I thought it was something physical that could be covered up with tape, but that’s for blocking recording— but it may have been a matter of using certain formats and cords. Or it could’ve been just that easy.
Regardless, he figured it out. Magic, I tell you!
And in addition to recording the movies and shows we really enjoyed, his hobby was creating quick-and-dirty music videos: a snippet from a cool scene (if not entire cartoon episodes) with its original audio replaced by songs. It’s why I still associate "Benny and the Jets" with Gumbi, and I didn’t know the dialogue for Cain’s warehouse raid in Robocop 2 until I was an adult. I’ll need to hum that particular song to mom so she could place it for me, but I remember this mashup most fondly, because it kinda worked.
But, onto the actual movies.
Unico and the Island of Magic (English Dub, 1983)
It hit all the spots: compelling story, engaging characters, competent animation, and cute critter having to deal with terrible, terrible people wanting to harm the little guy. I recommend the English dub (like here!) to get the Full Baby Albi Experience– not only was it excellent, but it adds a terrifying depth to Lord Kuruku. He had no business being that scary, and I may have to mute his scenes if I get around to re-watching it in English. Yes, I am a weenie.
JEZUS FCKN CHISMUSS
Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent my Summer Vacation (1992)
This movie. Was. My shit. Every start and end of summer, without fail, I’d rent it. I couldn’t go on any grand adventures, so I imagined I was along for the ride.
I’d bounce on the waterbed as Buster and Babs went down the river, empathized with Plucky’s lust for roller coasters, wanted to punch that skunk dude (which turned out to be a pattern as I also wanted to punch the one from Archie!Sonic), cringed at the safari schenanigans, and related to Shirley more than I thought I would.
(Video summary: A parody of the very loud THX logo that is played in theatres: THUD. Audience in shambles if not blown away as the trademark is declared: "The audience is now deaf.")
Rock-a-Doodle! (1991)
Apparently I enjoy movies with water themes.
So, this is the Don Bluth film everyone trashes (when they get tired of trashing A Troll in Central Park). And I’m right along with them, seeing it as one of his weaker installments (behind A Troll in Central Park). But, when I was a kid? Loved it, silly singing owls and all. The play that it’s based on is pretty interesting, as well.
And I wished that evil owl turned me into a cat.
Anyone that knew me for the past tentwenty thirty years: NO FUCKING SHIT
Watership Down (1978)
The bright cover art tricked many a parent who just wanted a movie with idyllic bunny time. Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that, but we received so much more. It clued me into the fact that animation could be for anyone, and come in many forms, and can be taken just as seriously as ""real"" film.
This is also the poster child for the "damn, stuff for kids went hard in the 70s/80s" conversation. Not only did we have bunnies bleeding out, but Dumbo got drunk, parents were tortured or dying on screen, monsters were gross, and rest in peace Artax i am not sobbing right now! It does show how things have changed.
And I’m really trying hard not to get into the rant about Netflix’s bastardization of that beautiful novel. John Boyega as Bigwig couldn’t save it. And anyone that isn’t upset about how Netflix-y it is hasn’t either read the book, seen the animation, or absorbed and acknowledged the themes in the work. This adaptation lost its vibrancy and depth by looking as realistic as possible and dumbing itself down to be streaming-service consum
oh ok sry
But seriously. Read the book, as well. As for the movie? A beautiful adaptation; watch that too.
Robocop (1987)
Where I got my distrust of corporations… and sense of humor. It’s kinda sardonic and mean. Anything to cope in the current capitalistic hellscape, I guess.
(Video Summary: A nuclear (lol) family playing a board game around nuclear mutual assured destruction: NUKEM! Get them before they get you!)
By the way. Idiocracy is not the documentary of our world. It’s fucking Robocop, because that’s where we’re fuckin’ headed.
What? There was a remake or something? Nah, never happened.
NEVER. HAPPENED.
Honorable Mentions
These tells don’t crop up as obviously. Or do they?
101 Dalmations (1961)
In my opinion, the best example of music perfectly timed with the animation, which is something you don’t see a lot of these days. Also obligatory crush on Roger.
As a self-proclaimed capital-D Dweeb, obviously. I should buy a shirt.
Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid (1975)
Added to my mermaid obsession (along with Saban’s TV series and Disney, natch). And the first clue of my penchant for the bittersweet/sad stuff like the emo goth I am.
But I saved the best for last, because it’s got a funny story.
The Hobbit (1977)
What funny little birds
They had no wings
Oh what shall we do
With the funny little things? Funny Little Things
It was the earlyish 90s, and we’d always get a stack of tapes for the weekend. I’d pick out my own, usually only one or three, while my parents chose theirs. Whether family affair or Parental Supervision Required, we’d all partake together in at least one movie before watching the others on our separate televisions (schedules). And one afternoon, I had a choice: an old favorite to distract me while they did taxes or something, or… something new?
I was, and still am, a creature of habit. While the other title was alluring– being animated and eye-catching, and what kid didn’t love cartoons?– I wanted something beautiful and comforting and familiar and epic. So I stuck with my first choice, The Hobbit.
hey kid wanna go on this adventure for the tenth time?
The other choice available was Heavy Traffic.
NOT FOR YOUR KIDS
Fortunately, I twice dodged that Bakshi-shaped bullet by sneaking a peak, and quickly losing interest due to the lack of dragons. I ended up not viewing it until my almost-20s, when doing research for a college paper. I think about that sometimes, if my parents pulled a Ratings-Panel-Underestimating-Watership-Down. I’d probably be weirder than I already am. And probably more vulgar.
…or so I remember. It’s likely that the question never happened. Then again, I swear up and down that I got my oatmeal-and-egg habit from my parents, and that was denied vehemently, so who knows? I’m okay with being an unreliable narrator on this one.
Memory makes fools of us all.
Don’t talk to me about the remake. I’m still livid about it, and not just because Bluerberry Dinnersnatch is in it (but it certainly doesn’t help, but he did make a good Smaug, fine, I’ll admit that). First of all
oh i did it again did i
That’s going to be a different post, isn’t it?
Yup.
We’ll put a pin on that, then.
So, that is that, for now. As I finish unpacking, I have to find a new spot for these ancient VHS tapes. It’s one of the few things I have left of my dad– our likes and memories smashed together on flimsy tape.
