There were bright colors in my fear.
Once I am lured in by song
The movie slowly turned,
Entrenched by darker hues
Falling from the shadows of malevolent flight.
There’s nothing delicate
In fighting back, this time.
Retaliation brutal as my nightmares.
Night fell deeper.
Vespertine fled and I screamed
Sorrow
For empty victory
Grief
For the hanged in memory
Rage
For justice, failed.
Here’s to Bluetooth!
I used to be wary
And we used to make fun,
But it’s there
when I need
To tune out the outside world
And appease the
songs stuck in my head,
Or listen to speedrunning history
Instead of stalled traffic.
With speakers better than
My phone’s
I’m gently lulled to sleep;
The nostalgic nightscape
Sounds real.
And on two different screens
I track my sleep-hours
Along with
My steps and
I can see my goals
Quantified and obtainable.
But I’ll never
Connect
My toaster.
There are
no wires or dongles
to ruin,
But we can still make fun of
The Internet of Things
And be wary of that.
As for the others out-of-order, I’ll post those over the weekend (if I can remember to schedule it!).
You are really here!
Sit down; I have much to tell you.
My mother is/was/will be a huge fan of yours;
Your voice will save galaxies.
Um,
Excuse the confusion
While I slow down time and explain:
She died, my mom.
But, she rebuilt herself,
Modeled her hair after yours.
And we’d listen to your songs all the time.
I inherited her love.
I see we’re to be joined by your friends
So I’ll be quick–
You inspire so many,
To the point where someone’s kid
Falls backward in time
Just to meet you.
Because you never gave up.
The sadness and pain are merely fire.
The iced tea is sweating.
In short: a necklace token
To use in the future;
I love you.
Now finished,
I’ll snap my fingers.
Time will resume
And you won’t remember
Any of this,
Not yet.
It found me fine, I think. I have not written nearly enough poems for a poem-a-day goal (only 3-4 so far). The difficulty is to sit down and quiet myself, to listen to my inspirations long enough to actually write something. Stressors can get in the way of that.
But I use that.
Writing always helped me process my emotions, and what better way to help work through my worries than… writing some stanzas about it?
Soon I’ll play catch-up (I’ve been jotting down prompts, at least, as well as following the official blog) and post what I’ve come up with so far.
Bloganuary Prompt: What do you complain about the most?
The one thing I bitch about the most? Heteronormality.
Nah, scratch that; it’s how binary everything freakin’ is.
No, wait! How I’m expected to be androgynous because I’m non-binary.
No, wait, it’s how the [insert community here] has a racism problem it refuses to acknowledge.
Okay, let’s go with that one. It hurts my heart when I’m hit with racist microaggressions when I exist in queer-forward spaces, on top of the general history of Whiteness marginalizing anyone that isn’t white.
Wait, no, let’s take it a step further with [community] has a [bigot] problem it refuses to acknowledge, if not actively encourage. And it really hurts when it feels like these peers should get it, you know?
Because why the fuck is biphobia still a fucking problem in the overall queer community? I’ve friends who are currently shouted down and erased because they’re never seen as queer enough.
And all of my Black peers stay away from the Hoteps of the diaspora because they insist on hetero normativity, and toxic masculinity.
You know what? It’s bigoty. That’s what I complain about the most.
That’s it, that’s the post, because I’m tired of repeating myself ad nauseum. We’ll be here all day with the long list of examples I can illustrate.
A bitch is tired. I’ll probably expand on this at a later date, complete with personal anecdotes. But for now, just allow me to get to the point:
Solidarity ain’t shit when you’re still a fucking bigot.
Two scenarios are illustrated, two separate paths taken.
Mega Ran, initially, wanted to be a dentist! So the track takes us to his office with the Wu-Tang albums and degrees on the wall, and he comments how he grew into the profession: it just came so easily to him; it was obvious. After the chorus, he’s then a principal of a high school (and in fact, IRL, he was a teacher before he was unceremoniously shitcanned). He cared about his kids enough to give them pep talks and wake-up calls. In both paths rapping was still a passion, be it a humble a rap listener or someone who freestyles with the students as a reward for not neglecting their studies.
My frequent trips to Rumination Station usually concern the choices I’ve (not) made. My thoughts aren’t as talented as a nerdcore rapper, but you get the gist.
I wonder if I took my Most Likely to… award I got in 8th grade seriously (instead of the bullying) and hadn’t given up on art?
Or I followed of the footsteps of my oldest friend and into journalism?
Or I heeded my dad’s advice and got into the medical field?
Or I took my love for cartoons a step further, and vowed to create my own?
Or if my affinity for wind instruments and singing didn’t atrophy?
What if I understood object-oriented programming and moved away from designing?
Or, what if I loved magazines more than web pages?
What if I kept that spark from my science-fiction short story in English class, of the teacher reading it out loud and the rest of my peers leaning forward, enraptured?
If I remembered when a friend said that he really loved my poems and I should be published?
What if I settled for an administrative job from the get-go? Or, like my mom, I worked my way up from production floor to cubicle?
I wonder what options I would have had if I’ve graduated at a better time, from a different school. If I wasn’t forced to pivot into unrelated fields to keep the bills paid.
If I had picked up a trade.
If circumstances were different.
If. If. If.
What would I be like? Would I still be blogging, and writing for fun? Would I still love tinkering with computers? Would I be in any position to ease children’s fears and give teenagers guidance? Would I be playing video games a lot more, or would barely have time for them?
Would I love it? Would I hate it?
What even was my calling? Did I have one?
Would I be more content?
Honestly, I don’t know. That’s always a possibility, isn’t it?
While the timeline I had in mind would be over the span of two months, tops, I managed to do this in two days. It helped that I’ve had ClassicPress in a pinned tab for quite some time now, and buying the domain name was the easy part. Hosting was where I dragged my feet, but it was quickly resolved by how easy it was for me to fall back into the server maintenence groove. But still, at first I was nervous. I don’t have the budget to have a professional on retainer, so it would have to be a DIY operation– and while I’ve managed Linux servers in the past, it was quite some time ago and I felt quite rusty. And in addition to the rust, I am also occasionally lazy. And impatient. I wanted my site moved now!
I settled on DigitalOcean. It came highly recommended when I first asked around for hosting solutions, with the caveat that it wasn’t exactly casual-friendly. "I’m just going to try it out, poke around it, shake the cobwebs off my knowledge" I thought to myself. I was also prepared to get my hands a little dirty if it came to that. Besides, there was this handy tool that set up the headache-inducing environment for me, brought to my attention from browsing ClassicPress Forums. So that certainly helped!
Like many things, it was like riding a bike. Once the wheels started turning, I remembered a lot more than I thought I would. I had to do some updates, set up ClassicPress, and I was done! Before I knew it, I was settling right in nicely as I customized, secured, and broke things (the deleted DNS records got better– yay for restore buttons!).
This feels like… wearing a beloved blanket. I didn’t want to move to a whole different blogging platform, after all. I’m a creature that enjoys the familiar and the nostalgic, and right now as I type this I’m transported back to 2005. During Web Developing class everyone was setting up their WordPress accounts for the first time, and I thought it pretty magical. Frankly, it still is. And now, I can develop my own theme. Since I don’t have to pay extra to do so, I don’t really have an excuse now. Besides time, anyway.
So, hello again! We’re back on schedule.
I can only wish my IRL move in the upcoming months will be as smooth as this was.
For years I’ve been passively looking at alternative blogging platforms; I’m one of the many that were dragged kicking and screaming into WordPress’ Block Editing Gutenberg nonsense. I adapted, and even got used to it– besides, I’m not a developer, so it was easier for me to roll with it. There are options, like Classic Editor plugin and ClassicPress, which I kept on the backburner.
WordPress was on thin ice ever since.
I’ve also been keeping tabs of the current Internet climate, so I’m not in the least bit surprised when this happened:
Tumblr and WordPress to Sell Users’ Data to Train AI Tools,
according to 404media. The initial link is paywalled (nagscreen-walled, really), but other news sources have picked up the story. And on top of that, there’s rumors that AI training may have already been happening. [1] [2]
And that’s it, the final straw.
I haven’t expressed my stance on AI stuff on this blog. I can see how it can be helpful in most cases. But as a Creative (if only in writing), compounded with the current stateofhow AI isbeingimplemented?
I’ll keep this short: Ultimately, not a fan.
And I do not consent to having my data trained on AI/LLM/Skynet. Sure, I can opt out, but why is shit like this never opt *in*? And, as Web 3.0 continues to algorithm its way into as much profit as possible, I don’t trust WordPress to honor my decision. And there’s just the whole principle of the thing.
So I’ve halted any scheduled posts, made my backup, and I will move in the next few months.
There are options– it’s just a matter of budget, and how and where I want to set things up. I practically grew up on WordPress, so ClassicPress is calling my name– and I can get behind their mission!
But this can also be an opportunity to pivot into a new adventure with new tools. That sounds exciting! I do have half a mind to jump into a whole ‘nother CMS.
And hey, when all else fails, there’s always DreamWidth. They have yet to let me down, unlike LiveJournal. I may even have it as a “mirror” of sorts.
So, that’s it. I’ll update one last time to let y’all know where I’ll be next.
I have a pretty solid finish to last month’s Bloganuary, and then I… disappeared. This time, it isn’t because I ran out of steam! But it was redirected elsewhere.
There’s the health issues I’ve referenced in the last few months, and that does cause some anxiety. I’ve been trying to eat better and work out (at least walk!) more, so I’m hoping that’ll help. And drink water!
But also.
Due to Reasons, I’ll need to move later this year. That’s always stressful, yes, but there’s also the added wrinkle of some relationship transitions (or alternatively, break ups) that also entail the shake-up of living situations. I’ve had some time to come to terms with it and prepare, but it doesn’t make it easier.
So that’s been stressful.
I’ve been relieving my stress with fanfiction. Writing silly things, for fun, and indulging in one of my favorite What-Ifs. And it has helped, but I think I’m ready to work on some blog drafts and my other projects more.
I’ve noticed that I tend to only update this blog when I have something big to say. An informal essay of something about three pages. I should relax and not be afraid of smaller, more concise entries.
Like this one.
So, yeah, another transition. New beginning and all of that. Nothing terribly profound.
I am not looking forward to uprooting and packing some memories away.
I am absolutely running that joke into the ground.
Prompt: Write about your first computer.
Bloganuary is over, but I couldn’t resist this prompt!
My dad bought an AST Advantage! computer[1] from a coworker and we settled it on the desk in my bedroom. We were pretty excited, both of us being electronic gadget nerds in our own ways: I was into everything computers, while my dad’s forte was audio and video setups. We were both content in a RadioShack, back in the day.
It was a beige thing with a horizontal tower (vertical wasn’t all the rage yet) and came with CRT monitor, keyboard, mouse, a desk microphone, a manual, and a whole sleeve of CD software (s/o to Encarta, always coming in clutch when I needed additional research for school essays). The speakers were passable, nothing to write home about.
It was running Windows 95. A solid operating system– a opinion I hold to this day– but it felt a little dated compared to the Win98 (or 2000?) installed on computers elsewhere. But, that was no biggie. It also lacked adequate Internet access for its modem wasn’t quite up to snuff, if I recall correctly. But, still, it was pretty cool. When it wasn’t a word processor, it played music and we played a few MS-DOS games on it.
The Advantage! stayed in my room. From what I remember, the computer became my domain and thus, unofficially tasked with taking care of the thing. That included, in my assumption, that I was to do upkeep and remove any unnecessary files or programs. I took it pretty seriously.
From the Windows 95 desktop I dragged photos and irrelevant documents from Explorer to the recycling bin. You can guess where this is going. No, I did not delete the System32 folder, but I did something just as hilarious:
I deleted desktop.exe.
In my defense, I made sure to at least open programs before I made my decision to chuck ’em. And this particular executable was the AST-branded desktop environment with a distinct Windows 3.1 flavor. I thought it was safe to get rid of, because we already had a desktop environment– and a modern one, to boot! I thought I was safe.
The instant I banished it to the Bin, I got an error message. You were instructed to reboot the computer in hopes of the OS finding desktop.exe again. But it was in the Bin, untouchable, so you were effectively boot looped.
I panicked. Not because I’d get in trouble (and I probably did), but because we didn’t have the install discs for the operating system! So there was no way for me to fix it until we got them. A few weeks later I was able to repair the damage, and got a surprise. The install discs were for Windows 3.1! The Windows 95 install turned out to be a delicate patch job that I wrecked in my error.
But hey, the computer was usable again! So I got on with it with no complaint. I screwed up, after all. Armed with the Flatten-and-Rebuild option, I got to learning and making more mistakes. I hadn’t done any blunders of that magnitude since, but I kept those discs close!
I became real familiar with using the ALT key to access menu items– especially ALT + SPACE, for when a window got nudged off-screen and I could not see it. That happened a lot in 3.1, at least in my use case. I learned how Batch files did their thing and customized a whole startup routine pointing to different programs and Windows proper– including an NES emulator to play Mega Man II. I played with its audio programs, listening to my Final Fantasy MIDIs when I wasn’t creating silly audio skits. Imagine my delight when I saw it could’ve been used as an answering machine and phone! Stones.Exe was my favorite time-waster, when we weren’t playing MS-DOS games. And lastly: it was just pretty fascinating to interact with That Older OS, to see how far along its come.
Common objects I’ve ferreted to and from home via floppy discs were
Eventually, we did get our Technically-Second computer: A Gateway with Windows Millennial Edition. It was the family computer, chilling in my parent’s bedroom before it was moved to the corner of the dining room. We loved ourselves some Bejeweled, 3D Pinball Space Cadet, and That Game Where You Shoot Dial-Up Modems (was free with our DSL provider).
I thoroughly enjoyed browsing the Internet, sending emails, browsing GameFAQs, and putting together my fansites for Chrono Cross and Kingdom Hearts. I downloaded mp3s from OverClocked Remix— it took twenty minutes for one file, so I typically busied myself with something else– and the entire time I’d hope no one would call.
There was also this program that snitched on everything you did on the computer. Of course, it was installed! I was called out for the habit of deleting my browsing history (because they could see it anyway), but I just shrugged. I wasn’t doing anything out of line and to be frank, the real saucy stuff was regulated to the library computers, out of their reach. This Nanny program promptly disappeared when I exploited WinME’s login bug, snooped, and found a certain folder with certain images not under my account. That deeply amused me.
We had a year free of for Norton, when they were still reliable. All of us clicked on our fair share of dodgy sites (and yes, we used Limewire), and were super concerned with the worms and viruses. When Sasser was making the rounds I couldn’t help but feel smug– it didn’t target WinME systems (but it did get the last laugh when I finally upgraded to XP without reformatting– another lesson learned).
The era of Family Computers was a pretty special time. There was nothing like it. It was communal, whether we crowded around the screen or we took turns doing Important Things. We burned CDs, used the scanner, printed out photos, and bookmarked cool things for us to peruse. I have a family photo of all of us at the table, taken by our first digital camera, processed on our first computer, and printed out on our first printer.
I kept the AST for a few years, and eventually inherited the Gateway when it was usurped from the Family Computer crown. After that, I upgraded to a HP Media Center Edition for school (I needed all the horsepower for Photoshop and video editing– the TV watching was a bonus). And beyond that, I’ve had my run-ins with more HPs, Acers, and Dells.
But the AST Advantage! was first, and I’ll fondly look back on it always.
