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Comfortable in my skin
Cozy with who I am
Comfortable in my skin
Cozy, cozy
Comfortable in my skin
Feet up above your sins
I love myself, goddamn
Cozy, cozy Beyonce’s “Cozy”

My Daily Motivator Calendar Thingy suggests that I "make a grown-up version" of a cozy calm-down corner (usually at day care centers and preschools that can help toddlers self-regulate). They list things like "books, plush tows, pillows, and a soft rug." And as that banger of an album is now stuck in my head, we can have the desire for personhood as a Black and Queer person.

A literal corner can help. After all, I love holding up the wall. It helps me reaccess and observe for awhile. Something soft. Somewhere quiet. It’d probably be like a cozy reading nook, with dim lighting and earth tones. Cranes in the Sky playing.

Or I can just go home.

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If you thought my mental health was bad in 2020, let’s travel back to 201X when I had no car, no home (of my own), no employment that was actually paying me, no offline support network at the time, and couldn’t even get hired at the Family Dollar down the street. I was All In during this time– if no one would hire me, then fuck it, I’ll work with my friend (let’s call him Michael) in the IT business. You know, that thing I went to school for.

I was the frontend designer for our clients, while also branching out to customer service, server administration, invoicing, social media managing,  and… just shooting the shit as we stayed up late into the night, just working on whatever, putting on terrible movies like Atlantic Rim and Whatever the Fuck That Shamwow Guy Did with the Cameras. I loved those late nights. There were bad nights, too, like when we stayed up for days after a server move had our client’s sites down for that long. When we couldn’t sue the guy that used my artwork because our backups went up in smoke so we couldn’t prove our case. And hours cussing out [INSERT MONOPOLY INTERNET PROVIDER HERE] under our breath as they gave us the runaround.

And the clients.

Most were… fine. They just had us do backend stuff, update here and there, and call it a day. We never hear from them other than a request. Those clients got into our portfolio. But it was the other fuckers… the ones that were profoundly difficult, that went into another sort of book. One you could, say, burn. A Mean Girls reference, if you will.

A blue notebook with "BURN BOOK - IT Edition" on its cover, aping the style from the movie Mean Girls.

They really didn’t help the mental health.

The worst ones would be hurling insults and outrageous shit. Michael, being far more charismatic that I was, took most of the phone calls– and the abuse. Fortunately, he gave as good as he got– if not better– and we’d zipfile them their intellectual property and tell them to fuck off. But then there were the Memorable Ones that still stick on my claw (or however the saying goes).

The Textile Jerk This one I was really proud of, my first solid responsive layout. I have tested extensively and even utilized lightbox. But when it came time to pay the second half of the invoice, he refused, claiming that the code sucked, the layout sucked, the colors sucked– but somehow, did not say a word about this despite our preliminary mockups and design queries.

The Pixel Pusher If a button was one pixel away from the one beside it, we’d get a call about it. They went back and forth on color changes. They threw an absolute fit when this border looked slightly different in IE than Firefox. A fucking nightmare.

The Equus ferus caballus That Couldn’t This was to be our magnum opus. We were getting into Ruby on Rails, and it was a delightful process. We had a beautiful layout, chill color scheme, video intro, the works. We even committed the cardinal sin of throwing in extra flourishes and work because we were passionate about the project. Everything seemed great. Until a new name entered our communications and started tearing everything down (I suspect clashes on their end). The project halted, and it never got off the ground.

The Amusing One It just had the sort of thing designers snicker at– a photographer with a lot of books being set on fire or something. But hey, that’s what he wanted, and that’s what I remember him for. It could have been a lot worse. Oh, and this solidified my hatred for coding for Flash. But that wasn’t his fault.

The Discount Palpatine I shit you not this dude was trying some weird ass Jedi mindtricks or psychological hypnosis, intoning phrases strangely. After our conference call I went "What the hell was he doing!?" Michael told me some of the more sinister subliminal nonsense salespeople like to try. The app they wanted? Gambling related.

Honorable mentions go to the companies we had business dinners with, or started off on great footing… only to dissolve, disappear, or get arrested and thrown in jail for fraud.

And we had one client foolish enough to refuse to pay us, so we just shut off their server. Legally, it was probably bad form, but still hilarious in a petty way.

So… that was what we were dealing with.

I put up boundaries. I paced myself. I made sure to step away and refused to work weekends. But it wasn’t enough. It all grew too much and I was let go from my own company because I was spiraling so badly, beyond burnout… and I couldn’t be paid for what I was doing, anyway. We couldn’t afford me. The company eventually folded, but Michael lasted much longer than I did.

Until a business partner stole $10,000 from him.

Ultimately, as usual, all of our ills came down to money. They didn’t want to pay what the service actually cost– if they wanted to pay at all. Chargebacks were a common occurrence, with Paypal siding with the customer more often than not. Scope Creep was constant battle and like Textile Jerk, suddenly had excuses to put off paying the bill.

I don’t miss that shit.

BONUS: for more horror stories, read Clients from Hell.

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Squid Game Season 2 was one of the most anticipated releases, but did binge-watching ruin the experience?Avatar Obi

I was browsing YouTube, as you do, and came across that thinker. It made me pause and reconsider how I consume television shows.

MSPaint Joke

We didn’t have binging growing up, unless it was DVD sets or marathons on television. Every Sunday night, one of my parents would go outside to give the TV antenna a few twists– enough for the FOX channel to come in. Sometimes it’ll be good enough but if the weather was great, the signal was crisp. The metal bar would shriek against the trailer until it was ready, and we’d all settle in to watch an episode of The Simpsons.

Waiting and adjusting was the norm, and that was still the case by the time torrenting came around. If you knew the right channels the wait wasn’t much longer than more mundane means. Free tiers on Crunchyroll, IRC channels, and peers was only a day’s delay behind official broadcasts. I’d obtain, watch, and eagerly go somewhere to gab about it. I got to share the excitement of Evil Morty’s master plan, every WTF moment in Attack on Titan, and whatever obscure yuri was recommended to me.

But then I left Reddit, and I no longer had access to those spaces. Now I just hold off until the entire season is done releasing, then I’ll binge to my heart’s content. Since I had no one to talk to about it I didn’t have to wait. But I find myself hitting up TVTropes for details and angles I could have missed… especially when I fall asleep during a insomniac binge.

Pacing myself to a sustainable amount of episodes per day is a happy medium for me. As Obi mentions, this gives me time to mull over and really appreciate the story. This theory has only been bolstered by watching Foundation with a partner– while I could easily watch several 50-minute episodes in a row, they’d tap out after one or two. And since we’re watching together, I’d be forced to wait. And I really enjoy Foundation.

And I do regret not watching X-men ’97 with everyone else; I missed out on the community fun and discussion. I’ll be sure to follow along next time.

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Everyone has their The One That Got Away story.

I’m no exception.

Let’s call her Sally.

We met in college and became friends. We were a close-knit group, most of us in the same field of study. We both liked anime and hanging out on the Internet.

I had a crush on her. But the crushing-on is what happens an awful lot with my friends, so I kept it to myself. I always end up having crushes on my closest friends. Nothing new.

I came out as bisexual (pansexual) with my first girlfriend, long-distance. It was… fine. But the crush in my friend never abated like it was "supposed" to. And when we broke up, I felt relieved and free to pursue this crush.

Except I never did.

We were thick as thieves by then, and I always stopped myself. Through all the friend dates, late nights, misadventures, and super deep personal conversations– I cut myself short. Because we were FRIENDS, I was terrified of ruining the FRIENDSHIP. Even after a drunken night at another friend’s, confessing that I still had feelings before promptly blacking out, I kept that to myself.

[truncated]

… most of today’s entry is too raw to post. In short: I had a friend, I crushed hard, never pursued in fear of "ruining the friendship," and that is one of my biggest regrets.

I went to her wedding. She was beautiful. I watched her tie the knot to another man I couldn’t bring myself to hate.

And you wanna know what’s fucking tragic?

She always wanted to ask me out. Despite me saying boneheaded Baby’s First Closet Outing Foot-in-Mouth disease shit, she actually wanted more, at some point. Because she wondered if she was queer, too. Until her mom beat the thought out of her.

I was never told this until years after the wedding by a mutual friend. I was furious at him for never saying anything. Didn’t he see we were both crippling shy people who couldn’t take a hint if it bit them on the ass? But I can’t be too mad; he was probably sworn to secrecy. Just as I demanded that he don’t say a damn word to nobody once I recovered from blacking out at his house.

Last week, I uttered these words of wisdom when someone asked me for advice: "If your friendship breaks because one of you caught feelings, was the friendship ever strong enough to begin with?"

With Sally, I’ll never know.

And that is the most painful thing.

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My Favorite Meal

I’m a simple creature; ask my nesting partner. When it’s my turn to make dinner it follows a formula: protein and vegetable. Sometimes I’ll remember to add a starch (rice, noodle, potato, bread) but I’d rather double up with another veggie. But more often than not, the third space on the plate is Some Sort of Sweet Thing you can have, as a treat.

I love seafood. When dining out, my current vibe is starting off with raw oysters, more seafood, another veggie, and dessert if there’s room for it. And let me tell you about those seafood boil places. Though nothing beats doing it at home. A shame I live in an apartment now.)

Most times, I’m in that coffeehouse vibe. Coffee, sandwich, snack. That’ll depend on the menu itself, but I enjoy the yogurt or cereal bowls in a pinch. And a scone.

For special occasions (like when my iron is low :eyeroll:), I love a good steak! Medium-rare, with roasted vegetables and some of those lil potatoes.

My favorite thing to cook is chicken. Or rather, cornish hen! I have a tip for you: Cut the whole chicken in half, season it, marinate for one hour or overnight, and put that sucker in the oven. Which reminds me, I need to grab chicken wings. I love baking those til they’re crispy.

I am not ashamed of grabbing a rotisserie chicken for dinner when I don’t feel like cooking a lot. I’ve become incredibly picky when it comes to fast-food stuff (as in, I shouldn’t be eating any). But Cookout still has my number.

Single-Purpose Items in my Kitchen

We have some typical stuff, like lemon juicer, crappy veggie peeler (or I just could be using it wrong), potato masher, garlic squisher, finger slicer …I need a mortar and pestle. And maybe a handheld cheese grater. But I got a couple of favorite.

A Salad Tosser: I make a lot of salads, and I really don’t want to get listeria, so I rinse the hell out of my lettuce and greens. This prevents my salads from being a soggy mess. (I know it’s a salad spinner, but I heard that joke in F is for Family and it’s my joke now.)

I feel like I need… a salad chopper. Could definitely use a food chopper; I’m always chopping on things.

Immersion Blender: I don’t use it often, but when I need it I NEED IT. Especially helpful for soups that require some blending– don’t have to mess with a dozen blender parts. Bonus wire wicker attachment.

Waffle Maker: Waffles are great, and you can toast all sorts of things in there! I don’t use it nearly enough; I should fix that soon.

Fortunately, my weakness for gadgets only applies to electronics. As much as I love avocados, I don’t need a dedicated slicer that badly. But I did invest in some cut-resistant gloves.

But do I have any cooking advice?

Just put garlic in everything (the savory stuff, at least).

If a recipe calls for a certain amount of seasoning, double it. I’ve lost track of how many times I followed steps to the letter, only to have it tasting bland.

Biggest Hot Take

You don’t need to cook with salt. Just use seasoning, dang it! Salt can have its applications (like in baking), but it’s not a seasoning!

You also probably don’t need that much sugar, either!

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  • how I eat: Have more vegetables, and a variety of them. I guess that means… eating kale
  • work out more. seriously. I’m starting gym next month!
  • but also, when/how. actual schedule
  • my writing process– kinda haphazard. actually use outlines and things
  • how i get up in the mornings– like my writing processes, kinda haphazard
  • the organization of my closet– three guesses how that is
  • be less socially awkward to the point of freezing
  • being at parties, bring board games to potlucks (and an eReader)
  • how I’m on the Internet– should prob pull back a little, also, I deleted FB… what else can I do?
  • how i take notes (i am this close to learning shorthand)

I’m sure there’s a lot more, but those are on the forefront.

 

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…How does that song go? The Future Freaks Me Out so I don’t give it too much mind. I do plan for it and give it the respect it needs, but that feels like the bare minimum. I have been breaking myself of this habit, however, because things can be so much better if I give it more time and think about it!

The present is the second-most thing I concern myself with; I operate on "assume this is permanent" instead of "assume this will end some day" when it’s feasible– especially for love and relationships and stuff. (I know this isn’t part of the question, but it popped up nonetheless. We’ll mark this train of thought for later.)

So, my answer: The Past.

I love me some rumination about the past! I love retrospection of what I’ve experienced, seeing them with more mature eyes.

I get lost in what-ifs when I’m not reliving the moments. It wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out that most of my posts are of past experiences that I’ve been reflecting on.

And let’s face it, I miss the 90s. Back when technology was a new thing and seemed so promising, when it felt like we had a future. I even miss the 80s, and that’s far more hiraeth than nostalgia– I didn’t actually experience any of it firsthand, being a baby and all, but voraciously through my parents and older peers. And I am a fucking sucker for nostalgia. Retro stuff, too– I listen to people that can talk hours upon hours about computers that no longer exist.

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So, on January 1st of this year, I finally deleted Facebook. (Full disclosure, the other one is "deactivated" to keep the Messenger channel open for someone I’ve been trying to contact, but it is as good as deleted otherwise.) I was going to wait a month to see how I felt, but this seems like a good time as any.

I feel pretty good, overall. Especially with headlines like "Facebook Embraces Donald Trump" and "Mark Zuckerberg and Meta Are Finding New Ways to Kiss Trump’s Ass."

The Watcher chewing out Dr. Strange for his poor choices. "You were WARNED!"
“You were warned.”

I no longer have a nagging feeling about checking feeds or messages– because they aren’t there. I’m less likely to doomscroll (or have quality doomscrolling with GroundNews). I’ve been pushed into actually using the other social media sites I’m already on, and found myself engaging a little more than passively sharing or quickly emoji reacting.

Also? FB made me lazy about keeping in touch. Why ask, if I could just check their page right quick? Or, I’d friend someone, and that’d be the end of our interaction and we’d see each other, probably, and assume we’ll always be there. But now if I want to know how someone is doing, I need to reach out!

The withdrawal symptoms have yet to set in, but I’m still expecting them. Despite my bitching I did stay on the platform. I suspect the one-foot-already-out-the-door mood I curated is helping with that. But grrl. Those dopamine hits are real.

Lois, going through withdrawal symptoms, nervously staring at a pill bottled marked "Facebook."
It’s harder than it looks.

I also feel a bit bittersweet.

I did make and bump my flounce-y post, but it gained little interaction. I sent messages to people I’d love to keep in touch with, and most were unanswered. Overall, I can count on one hand the number of people who asked where I was going. That didn’t feel great… it made me feel like I think far more about other people than the other way around. On the other hand… People had ample time to keep in touch with me– I’ve been threatening to leave Facebook for years. Most just never asked. Others were acquaintances or friends-of-friends, and I doubt I’d be terribly missed to them. And some people just… grew away from me.

Facebook made me forget about that fact of life. That prevented me from spamming my entire friend list of about 150 people. If it was meant to be something, I wouldn’t be wondering if I should throw my Links-in-Bio at them.

I should mention that there are some things I do miss: the rare trifecta of awesomeness support group, the OGs of a defunct group, and shitposting (needling) fellow hashers. But that isn’t enough to undelete. Those were the only groups I was real invested in beyond the "scroll to be amused" ones (Which reminds me, where’s Simpsons BortPosting? I’m sure I can find another hose of that particular content somewhere else).

To quote a coworker I used to work with, in all her wisdom:

It is what it is. Mrs. Cynth

During a party, I was using my eReader (yes, I’m that bitch). As predicted, a few people came up to ask me what I was reading, what I liked to read, and what they were currently into when they’re not being bookish at potlucks. I even traded StoryGraph links with someone! So that felt extra special, because it wasn’t obligatory, superficial Facebook.

Memes aside, I’ll be okay in the end.