This summarizes what I’ve been going through with Pink Pistols and a local gaming group. I sent this as a DM to a mod upon their request. Just read this or catch up with the previous entries, who cares, everything is terrible, 1312, can i just fuck off now
I should name some names, yolo and all that. Expect jokes and teeshirts about this, because you know we queers gotta kiki through the pain.
What’s another way to say…
02/06 "I Miss You"
I send memes. I spam emojis. (Well, I do this normally, but there’s a lot more when I’m missing you.)
I tell them that I’d rather they be where I am.
I send photos of interesting things near me. I may even send a selfie.
02/13 "I Love You"
Bringing home a slice of your favorite cake.
Leaving weird shit on your bed.
Biting you.
Answering your call even though I still kinda hate phone calls.
Showing you this cool rock I found.
Making sure you’re staying hydrated and you have your glass of water nearby before we head to bed.
Hovering over you while you’re sick, insisting on feeding you herbal tea and soup.
Not worrying about the silence between us when it falls.
Feeling weird if I don’t kiss you goodnight.
02/27 "I’d Like to be Friends"
As I write that, I’m confusing it with "just being friendly." I find myself opening up a little and before I know it, I at least have a friendly acquaintance. How do I keep doing that? I should cut it out; I got Internet Street Cred to maintain.
…I’m joking. Are you on bookwyrm? The obvious: "Add me on Discord! / Here’s my Website! / Here’s a way to actually bypass my cryptid tendencies!"
Or, I seek you out instead of just holding up the wall.
And I say just say "fuck it" and reveal a little more of myself.
But the biggest thing? Being at peace with the fact that I may be hurt or disappointed. Revealing yourself is risky business, but that is how friendships happen.
haven’t done an off-the-cuff post in a minute, lessgo
…
I’ve had shit luck when organizations and people claim to be apolitical. It’s either Just Unpleasant or there’s a jarring difference in opinion/morality. And I’ve added one more to that streak.
It’s the same as being neutral, isn’t it? To not "pick a side" or "make a stand"? And what is being apolitical if it is not neutral?
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality. Desmond Tutu
It was a rift with Pink Pistols and I ultimately could not overcome. So when I saw the promotion going on in another (apolitical) LGBTQ group, I had to say something.
This other "apolitical" organization silenced me by
And before those two things, a mod did say my my statement was Political and needed to go into the appropriate channel. Wasn’t thrilled (and to that I said "what the fuck?" but halted the convo from my end), but it was more of a server rule than a silencing tactic. Just not a good look, I suppose.
But what else can you expect? I brought up an important point and a valid request, but that doesn’t matter because I was
And you know what? Fine. I’ll own up to it. I’m a blunt abrasive mean cuntbitch who led their decorum out back and put it out of it’s fucking misery ten years ago. But that does not make my statements any less important. Y’all forgot that someone’s anger is part of the education. And this is a derailment tactic I am more than intimate with.
BIPOC expressing their concerns are always "starting trouble" about issues that "aren’t important."
Because protecting the reputation of an organization is more important than actually being a safe space for LGBTQIA and BIPOC people.
The Virgo in me can’t let this go:
Yes, that was the most I’ve said in that group for the four years I was in it.
And why was I an inactive member for so long? Because it was predominately white and made me, a BIPOC person, uncomfortable and I felt unwelcome, frankly. They also have been allowing LEOs as their security for 1-2 years now, which made my interest in attending events dip even lower. Maybe someday, I thought, I’ll go to one if I’m really bored or something, and that just never happened– or was never a priority because there were much better spaces I could visit. And it was one of the many, many Discord servers I don’t frequent, anyway. so that’s why i rarely went to any of your bitchass rgb-bootlicking events
Look into the things you want to join. Really look into them, and if you can’t find the answer, straight up ask them. Since their documentation and blog post doesn’t outright say "COPS ARE OKAY THOUGH," I assumed they weren’t. My bad. Don’t be like me, kids.
If someone or something is "apolitical," proceed with caution. Pink Pistols claims to be (to their credit, to maintain a "single issue" stance so as not to lose focus of their main goal), and it caused… this. (It certainly didn’t help, imo.)
And lastly, who keeps us safe? We keep us safe. Several servers are Going Through It right now since I started this cascade. And I’ve yet to see (m)any cisgender allies show up and get banned, muted, or silenced with the rest of us– the T in LGBT. (Not that I can confirm that or anything… I’m banned. 🙂 )
Whiteness is STUBBORN. Scroll back a bit for that one.
And remember your history, lest you’re doomed to repeat it.
…or some shit
So for funsies, I’m making a pronouns.page account and when I’m not looking up the unfamiliar terms, I’m wrapped up in the nuances of
And. So. On.
I love noodling over stuff like this. This is why I appreciate and enjoy microlabels. For the people that need them, they can convey exactly what they mean. And for ruminating introspective overthinkers such as myself, it is like a really good snack that I can’t put down.
I started out genderqueer… then neutrois… non-binary… now I’m feeling agender nowadays. Maybe gendervoid. Definitely staticgender–
–and oh my glob do not get me started on xenogenders we could be here all day! and neopronouns—
Ahem.
Some are happy with their Factory Settings, but I was always one of those folx who’ll mess with the settings menu and layout and colors until I get it just right. And change them again whenever.
It’s so cool how we can just customize our experience like this. If we want to.
All this creativity. We did that. We do that.
Fascinating.
…
…Maybe I’m genderfluid on a technicality.
Sometimes I give in to the impulse to reach out to people I lost contact with. The results can be… jarring. Especially when the other party stayed the fucking same. Wait, no. That doesn’t seem fair. I suppose everyone is dynamic– it’s just a matter of how they changed.
If it feels like someone didn’t change at all, then what they always seemed to be is just more obvious. That was how I felt when one of the oldest friends briefly flared back into my life. With distance and growth, I saw them as they always were. The friend, on the other hand, was stunned at how different I’ve become (“Glowed up” was how an acquaintance put it). And I could see that, like, of course I did, and I was offended. I remember thinking What on earth did you do these X amount of years, stagnate?!
Well, no.
They just moved perpendicular to how I did. Our catching-up stories included eyerolls at the same pratfalls we keep making, but we laughed in delight as we traded news about a new hobby or love we found because of course we’d be into that, should’ve seen it coming.
Then again… the only person that underwent change could’ve been just me. I knew a friend group that’s frozen in time. A good damn almost-decade later it had shrunk down to the bare essentials and core folx. And oh, yo, have I outgrown a lot of shit. My prime objective no longer meshed with their mission, and our attempts to work around that fact caused significant friction.
And I think a lot about my post-college growing and learning when I was in my second Serious Relationship. Not only was I finding additional facets of my queerness, but I was putting words and concepts together about how I move around in this world and how it treats me. Frankly, my then-partner couldn’t keep up. We split due to the growing incompatibilities– and that included what I would no longer tolerate. We couldn’t make it work as amicable exes either, for the same reason.
Change happens, always, always in flux.
You either outgrow or grow into or reveal.
If you find us walking along the same beach, I suppose I’ll ask if you’ll change with me. I expect you to. I’d be worried if you didn’t.
Last month, I participated in a self-defense and empowerment course hosted by the FORGE organization. Not only is it becoming increasingly unsafe for queer people (especially queer people of color, and especially trans people of color)… the shit I pull riling up dorks on Facebook is not a great idea offline. I needed to learn the different ways to de-escalate!
These are all the notes I’ve compiled (and cleaned up…) over our four-day course. But, these are only notes. FORGE’s webinars go into greater detail, and I implore you to check it out.
The one thing I bitch about the most? Heteronormality.
Nah, scratch that; it’s how binary everything freakin’ is.
No, wait! How I’m expected to be androgynous because I’m non-binary.
No, wait, it’s how the [insert community here] has a racism problem it refuses to acknowledge.
Okay, let’s go with that one. It hurts my heart when I’m hit with racist microaggressions when I exist in queer-forward spaces, on top of the general history of Whiteness marginalizing anyone that isn’t white.
Wait, no, let’s take it a step further with [community] has a [bigot] problem it refuses to acknowledge, if not actively encourage. And it really hurts when it feels like these peers should get it, you know?
Because why the fuck is biphobia still a fucking problem in the overall queer community? I’ve friends who are currently shouted down and erased because they’re never seen as queer enough.
And all of my Black peers stay away from the Hoteps of the diaspora because they insist on hetero normativity, and toxic masculinity.
You know what? It’s bigoty. That’s what I complain about the most.
That’s it, that’s the post, because I’m tired of repeating myself ad nauseum. We’ll be here all day with the long list of examples I can illustrate.
A bitch is tired. I’ll probably expand on this at a later date, complete with personal anecdotes. But for now, just allow me to get to the point:
Solidarity ain’t shit when you’re still a fucking bigot.
This is a rough month for me. I associate it with not enough Good Memories and too many Bad Memories.
This Friday, October 11th (or is it Saturday?), is #NationalComingOutDay.
I came out once, on Facebook, a few years ago. Under a filter to people I felt would accept me. I still miscalculated.
I lost a friend.
It could’ve been way worse, but it still hurts a little. She was dear to me.
Here’s everything I couldn’t say in response to her last message to me… because she needed the last word so badly I was blocked. (You can infer what she said).
A little cleaned up, of course. But not by much.
Funny thing, about silence. It’s like an empty spot on a Mad Libs sheet. You can fill it in with whatever you like. But let’s set the record straight: I did not unfriend you out of jealousy.
I left quietly, because I’ve not a lot to say. We cannot go back to what we once were; I cannot continue our superficial banter, and you’ve proven to me that I cannot open up to you. I’ve tried, for what’s another acquaintance on the kiddie pool? But I’m older, and I grow weary of too much of that. I left silently, because I’ve little nice to say about people who can’t see beyond what 4chan and Reddit hate. I was silent because out of all the options, shutting my mouth was the kindest. Better you think we just grew apart and were a casualty of my biyearly FB cleaning, as it happens sometimes. And I remained silent because if you actually gave a shit, you would’ve asked how I was without the unfriending to kick your voyeurism into overdrive.
Another thing about silence is…
sooner or later, someone will start babbling to break it. Then you’ll
know how they really are.
And you just had to be a _________.
(Put whatever you like, there. I love Mad Libs!)
My initial thought was “Was that fucking necessary?!” But… You know what? I’ll let you have that. It’s on me for forgetting the maxim “hurt people hurt people.” And while I was merely taking a break from FB, I also guessed that you not knowing what I was up to would’ve driven you nuts. So I’ll own that.
Clearly, I struck a nerve. And I’ll no longer commend you for your maneuver; looking back now it was just straight-up pathetic, though calculated:
I assume I’m not giving you too much credit– you’re fuckin’ smart. But I gotta dock points from your final score for unoriginality. Oh goodness, sizism/lookism and a line borrowed from /r/TumblrInAction? Haven’t heard that before!
I’m just… reeling over the fact that someone so talented, so beautiful, and so capable of good things can be so… needlessly ugly and hopelessly shallow.
I guess we’ve mutually disappointed one another. I’m fine with that.
I’m not jealous. I pity you. As you continue to stagnate, only growing in your circlejerk of a sheltered pond, you’ll hurt more people like me and sabotage any potential happiness you may have with others because they’ll fail your narrow and short-sighted criteria.
And I’ll keep doin’ me, whatever the fuck that is.
There’s no point in wishing ill will, or gunning for friends. Besides, that’s not my style; I tend to default to the classics.
I’ll do better than you and wish the opposite: be well. Have a nice life– and you will. People like you always do, anyway.
But you can also go fuck yourself.
(I gave her a 7/10, by the way. She got me to reply. And I still think about it sometimes.)
I’ll write a more recent coming-out post this week. A happier one. Later I’ll reflect more on the positives:
I learned who my true friends were and realized what tangible support I needed, going forward. And I know that if people can’t accept me, I must lose them no matter what we’ve gone through together; it’ll hurt for a while but that is fine. And sometimes closure doesn’t happen and I have to accept that.
But I can still rant on the Internet. (:
