Tag: queer

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So for funsies, I’m making a pronouns.page account and when I’m not looking up the unfamiliar terms, I’m wrapped up in the nuances of

  • agender
  • neutrois
  • nonbinary
  • gendervoid
  • genderqueer

And. So. On.

I love noodling over stuff like this. This is why I appreciate and enjoy microlabels. For the people that need them, they can convey exactly what they mean. And for ruminating introspective overthinkers such as myself, it is like a really good snack that I can’t put down.

I started out genderqueer… then neutrois… non-binary… now I’m feeling agender nowadays. Maybe gendervoid. Definitely staticgender–

Derek from The Good Place saying "there is television static where my gender should be."
I love making these.

–and oh my glob do not get me started on xenogenders we could be here all day! and neopronouns—

Ahem.

Some are happy with their Factory Settings, but I was always one of those folx who’ll mess with the settings menu and layout and colors until I get it just right. And change them again whenever.

It’s so cool how we can just customize our experience like this. If we want to.

All this creativity. We did that. We do that.

Fascinating.

…

…Maybe I’m genderfluid on a technicality.

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Sometimes I give in to the impulse to reach out to people I lost contact with. The results can be… jarring. Especially when the other party stayed the fucking same. Wait, no. That doesn’t seem fair. I suppose everyone is dynamic– it’s just a matter of how they changed.

If it feels like someone didn’t change at all, then what they always seemed to be is just more obvious. That was how I felt when one of the oldest friends briefly flared back into my life. With distance and growth, I saw them as they always were. The friend, on the other hand, was stunned at how different I’ve become (“Glowed up” was how an acquaintance put it). And I could see that, like, of course I did, and I was offended. I remember thinking What on earth did you do these X amount of years, stagnate?!

Well, no.

They just moved perpendicular to how I did. Our catching-up stories included eyerolls at the same pratfalls we keep making, but we laughed in delight as we traded news about a new hobby or love we found because of course we’d be into that, should’ve seen it coming.

Then again… the only person that underwent change could’ve been just me. I knew a friend group that’s frozen in time. A good damn almost-decade later it had shrunk down to the bare essentials and core folx. And oh, yo, have I outgrown a lot of shit. My prime objective no longer meshed with their mission, and our attempts to work around that fact caused significant friction.

And I think a lot about my post-college growing and learning when I was in my second Serious Relationship. Not only was I finding additional facets of my queerness, but I was putting words and concepts together about how I move around in this world and how it treats me. Frankly, my then-partner couldn’t keep up. We split due to the growing incompatibilities– and that included what I would no longer tolerate. We couldn’t make it work as amicable exes either, for the same reason.

Change happens, always, always in flux.

You either outgrow or grow into or reveal.

If you find us walking along the same beach, I suppose I’ll ask if you’ll change with me. I expect you to. I’d be worried if you didn’t.

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Last month, I participated in a self-defense and empowerment course hosted by the FORGE organization. Not only is it becoming increasingly unsafe for queer people (especially queer people of color, and especially trans people of color)… the shit I pull riling up dorks on Facebook is not a great idea offline. I needed to learn the different ways to de-escalate!

These are all the notes I’ve compiled (and cleaned up…) over our four-day course. But, these are only notes. FORGE’s webinars go into greater detail, and I implore you to check it out.

Continue reading →

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Bloganuary Prompt: What do you complain about the most?

The one thing I bitch about the most? Heteronormality.

Nah, scratch that; it’s how binary everything freakin’ is.

No, wait! How I’m expected to be androgynous because I’m non-binary.

No, wait, it’s how the [insert community here] has a racism problem it refuses to acknowledge.

Okay, let’s go with that one. It hurts my heart when I’m hit with racist microaggressions when I exist in queer-forward spaces, on top of the general history of Whiteness marginalizing anyone that isn’t white.

Wait, no, let’s take it a step further with [community] has a [bigot] problem it refuses to acknowledge, if not actively encourage. And it really hurts when it feels like these peers should get it, you know?

Because why the fuck is biphobia still a fucking problem in the overall queer community? I’ve friends who are currently shouted down and erased because they’re never seen as queer enough.

And all of my Black peers stay away from the Hoteps of the diaspora because they insist on hetero normativity, and toxic masculinity.

You know what? It’s bigoty. That’s what I complain about the most.

That’s it, that’s the post, because I’m tired of repeating myself ad nauseum. We’ll be here all day with the long list of examples I can illustrate.

A bitch is tired. I’ll probably expand on this at a later date, complete with personal anecdotes. But for now, just allow me to get to the point:

Solidarity ain’t shit when you’re still a fucking bigot.

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This is a rough month for me. I associate it with not enough Good Memories and too many Bad Memories.


This Friday, October 11th (or is it Saturday?), is .


I came out once, on Facebook, a few years ago. Under a filter to people I felt would accept me. I still miscalculated.


I lost a friend.


It could’ve been way worse, but it still hurts a little. She was dear to me.


Here’s everything I couldn’t say in response to her last message to me… because she needed the last word so badly I was blocked. (You can infer what she said).


A little cleaned up, of course. But not by much.



Funny thing, about silence. It’s like an empty spot on a Mad Libs sheet. You can fill it in with whatever you like. But let’s set the record straight: I did not unfriend you out of jealousy.


I left quietly, because I’ve not a lot to say. We cannot go back to what we once were; I cannot continue our superficial banter, and you’ve proven to me that I cannot open up to you. I’ve tried, for what’s another acquaintance on the kiddie pool? But I’m older, and I grow weary of too much of that. I left silently, because I’ve little nice to say about people who can’t see beyond what 4chan and Reddit hate. I was silent because out of all the options, shutting my mouth was the kindest. Better you think we just grew apart and were a casualty of my biyearly FB cleaning, as it happens sometimes. And I remained silent because if you actually gave a shit, you would’ve asked how I was without the unfriending to kick your voyeurism into overdrive.


Another thing about silence is…
sooner or later, someone will start babbling to break it. Then you’ll
know how they really are.


And you just had to be a _________.
(Put whatever you like, there. I love Mad Libs!)


My initial thought was “Was that fucking necessary?!” But… You know what? I’ll let you have that. It’s on me for forgetting the maxim “hurt people hurt people.” And while I was merely taking a break from FB, I also guessed that you not knowing what I was up to would’ve driven you nuts. So I’ll own that.


Clearly, I struck a nerve. And I’ll no longer commend you for your maneuver; looking back now it was just straight-up pathetic, though calculated:


  1. You really are that shallow, using superficial insults against the people that stood up for me. And you knew that any slights against the people I care about, no matter how grade-school level, is one of the quickest ways to get a rise out of me.
  2. In addition to said shallowness, you managed to land a critical hit. All I’ll say is I’m not on a trajectory that’ll not pass people’s rigged expectations of me, and I’ve yet to de-condition myself of comparing my life to others. You really know how to twist the knife in one’s insecurities!
  3. You’re the very troll you accuse my friends of being. Try not to choke on the irony; now that my anger is largely dissipated I actually want you to live.
  4. Despite all of your warnings, turns out that the person that has done the most damage to me was you. You broke my heart. Even [name redacted] could not have accomplished that on her most destructive day… and no one else ever could. So take solace in that.


I assume I’m not giving you too much credit– you’re fuckin’ smart. But I gotta dock points from your final score for unoriginality. Oh goodness, sizism/lookism and a line borrowed from /r/TumblrInAction? Haven’t heard that before!


I’m just… reeling over the fact that someone so talented, so beautiful, and so capable of good things can be so… needlessly ugly and hopelessly shallow.


I guess we’ve mutually disappointed one another. I’m fine with that.


I’m not jealous. I pity you. As you continue to stagnate, only growing in your circlejerk of a sheltered pond, you’ll hurt more people like me and sabotage any potential happiness you may have with others because they’ll fail your narrow and short-sighted criteria.


And I’ll keep doin’ me, whatever the fuck that is.


There’s no point in wishing ill will, or gunning for friends. Besides, that’s not my style; I tend to default to the classics.


I’ll do better than you and wish the opposite: be well. Have a nice life– and you will. People like you always do, anyway.


But you can also go fuck yourself.



(I gave her a 7/10, by the way. She got me to reply. And I still think about it sometimes.)


I’ll write a more recent coming-out post this week. A happier one. Later I’ll reflect more on the positives:


I learned who my true friends were and realized what tangible support I needed, going forward. And I know that if people can’t accept me, I must lose them no matter what we’ve gone through together; it’ll hurt for a while but that is fine. And sometimes closure doesn’t happen and I have to accept that.


But I can still rant on the Internet. (: