In addition to my favorite news feeds and the growing list of webcomics, I keep up with a lot of blogs. Remember when RSS was a lot more prominent? I still use that technology! And I’m still mad that Google killed GReader.
As I caught up with my subscriptions on Feedly, one of my favorite blogs had, what she called, a “vulnerable post.” It is American Girl Outsider and how she has been doing the past while.
Depression is a fucking liar of a mental illness. It tells you that no one loves you, no one wants you, that you don’t and aren’t wanted anymore, and that the world would be better if you weren’t here mucking it all up. It gives you ahedonia and lack of appetites and you might sleep too much or not enough. It steals your ability to write, read, draw, sew, craft, create, or anything.
…
And all I could think, as I sat there having missed something I cared so hard about, was that by the time I got to it, who would care what I had to say? Who cared about anything I had to say?
That hit pretty hard.
I also have depression. It has been around for longer, but actively managed for almost years now– and you guessed right: the start of the pandemic was what tipped me past my breaking point and made me get help. Some days are still harder than others. I have more tools at my disposal along with some chemical help, but sometimes…
There were times I’ve thought of quitting. And I have, twice (the-one-i-can’t-remember and verbose/terse). Three if you include Dreamwidth— neglected or conscious decision? It’s the same in the end; I’ve stopped updating publicly there. But, whether I have an audience or not, the writing has been good for me. And despite my low-key schedule, I do enjoy Vtubing even with 0 viewers. I try to make time for the things I enjoy, regardless.
Scheduling is hard. And, like Nethilia, I beat myself up for missing the releases of things I was psyched about. It’s halfway through October; is anyone still interested in me Vtubing with ValiDATE? It released in September without my notice through a depression fog. And generally, October is and has been a rough month for me– and National Coming Out Day has been forgotten. Again.
I have drafts, but lately it has been a struggle to get them out. I have prompts I can’t expand through the fog.
I’ll schedule this; it’s all I got. My calendar is intimidating and So Much right now.