The thread began with the usual curiosity from a monogamous person: “can you truly find happiness with multiple people?” But it was a passing comment on a forum jarred me out of my browsing:
“Polyamory is such a fad.” Even without voice, I could feel the tone and implications I’m all too familiar with, now.
I know some people just aren’t geared for non-monogamy, and that is okay. But still, I could not let that go unchallenged. For in my experience, a “fad” is a snide comment for anything that gains popularity due to more people exploring and becoming aware of new possibilities.
My sexuality was “just a fad.”
My gender identity is “just a fad.”
And the newest fad, evidently, is polyamory. They say some things come in threes.
And their comments continued, to paraphrase: It’s nothing to take seriously, because it’s so easy. You’re just playing until you find that one person to be your everything. Until then, you can just go to the next person like they’re nothing. You’re not really happy. You can’t be.
And I definitely did not let that slide.
This is hard fucking work.
You have to constantly check in with yourself as you deprogram from monogamous habits and deal with blindspots, insecurities, and time management. You have to confront your bullshit. You have to unpack the how’s and why’s of what you’re feeling. That is hard enough on its own, but you also have to field the outside static of potential abuse. Discomfort may be growth, but to borrow from Eve Rickert: never ignore your pain.
That is, if you want to go about it as healthy and ethically as possible.
And none of this happens overnight. Especially if you had no role models to follow and had to make the same mistakes others have before you. Then make a few of your own as you adapt to your particular life.
I had to be horribly honest with myself. Even scarier, I had to be honest with others.
So, yeah, I’m a little touchy when someone disregards the hard work upon myself as a mere “fad.”
If anyone tells you that any form of non-monogamy is “a cakewalk,” they’re either in denial or trying to sell you something or they’re looking for a third.
Sure, I could pour myself into one single person but that wouldn’t be fulfilling to me and ultimately unfair for them to be My Everything for Possibly Forever. And that’s valid.
You may feel differently and that’s valid too.
But neither one of us is a “fad.”