A schedule slip! It happens. I’m extra proud of myself for sticking with it for that long. Besides, I’m still cringing in embarrassment about other things.

I make it a point to tell dates and potential dates (at least) three things: I’m polyamorous, I’m non-binary/agender/NA using they/them/themselves, and I’m absolutely fucking clueless when someone is into me (so please tell me outright, as unsexy or unromantic as that sounds). And I don’t mean that in an endearing Manic-Pixie-Dream-Girl (ick) kind of way. I cannot think of a strong enough word for it at the moment, but I’ll just say that it’s… not endearing.

So imagine the scene: you’re sitting at a cozy table and you’re watching the stage. Or, you would be, if you weren’t distracted by actually wanting to talk to somebody. They seem really cool, and you notice your bodies are actually touching as you sit, and your heart stops a little when they reach for your hand and compliment it. And hold it for longer than deemed socially acceptable in anything but a romantic situation. Conversation is easy-flowing. It was nice.

It wasn’t until hours later that I was tipped off that their interaction wasn’t just platonic. In our text conversation they asked me point-blank:

“Were you aware that I was flirting with you?”

I replay that night in my head and I remember all of my dismissals:

• They’re just being polite.
• Well, this booth is pretty small… not much space, anyway.
• I get a lot of compliments on my tiny hands, cool!
• Oh, they’re just being oversharey. Some folks are like that.
• Are they…? Nah. Who would be into me, anyway?
• No way.
• They’re just being sociable.
• I’m three beers in; I shouldn’t read too much into these interactions.
• Nah.
• They’re
• just
• being
• friendly.

There’s my lack of self-esteem, yes; you become the punchline of too many “s/he likes you!” bullying jokes in middle school and you initially distrust anyone showing interest in you. And generally, I get down on myself a lot.

But I’d rather point out the main difficulty I have with most flirting: if it isn’t overt, I just don’t get it. And even then…

A lot of it is just hinting– and since I haven’t memorized the dating playbook (and most social cues outside of dating, if I’m really honest…), I’m caught in a loop of ambiguity. I also never want to be That Person that mistakes a friendly interaction as flirting, so I err on the side of caution and dismiss it.

So of course to the aforementioned text I responded rather un-eloquently:

“NO I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE FLIRTING I AM A DINGUS”

I’ve grown a little better in telling when they’re flirting with me now, and they know now just to rip off the bandaid (?) when it comes to that sorta thing.

So there you go.

That’s why I’m a dingus.