It’s the last day of the month, so I suppose I address two topics: National Coming Out Day and Halloween(ish). I’ve been thinking about the latter, and the former will be scheduled over the weekend.

All’s (s)hallow

Perhaps it’s because I’m finally on my upswing, but I went above and beyond on my costuming– or at least getting dolled up, and at least, compared to how I usually roll. I rarely indulge in creativity in my outfits beyond a silly headband, mismatched earrings, and a smart-ass graphic tee.

I couldn’t help but get caught up in the festivities and excitement. So I managed a wig, new headband, tights (which I actually regret, but they’re still cute), an outfit from the thrift store, and even a bit of makeup.

Consider this premise: tonight is the time we actually take off our costume and present our innermost self… how we see ourselves.

Maybe I am glitter and rainbows. Perhaps I’m some weird thing that wiggles antennae while wobbling in heels and you’ll just have to guess what I am, exactly. Possibly, I’m a fun meme. I am cute– hot, even. My eyes are alluring. My gender still non-existent, but still valid beneath the long synthetic hair. I am bright. I am. I am.

I wish I had the energy to do that more often.

I clean up nicely.

All Hallows

The sugar rush eventually ends, and I peel off the brightest layers of myself and return them to their inner rooms. For now. But I become somber. Death is a little bit closer than usual, and I generally associate October with endings as well.

It’s when the candles are no longer just for ambiance; I light them on my altar and think about my ancestors and those who are no longer with us.

I leave his favorite candy bar on the white tablecloth.

It’s when I ruminate on relationships and partnerships that I’m no longer participating in, for whatever reason.

I miss them and I mourn and I remember.

And I wonder. What impression would I leave behind, if any? How would I be remembered? How would I want to be remembered?

Memento Mori.

Would you remember this?