Another revisited post. If you know where I’m from you better shuuuush! But seriously.
Disclaimer
This is about my experience as a non-binary person and is not meant to be the end-all-be-all for the non-binary experience. There is no one-size-fits-all narrative since they are so personal. Your mortality rate will also skyrocket if you attempt any of the following: Cissexism, refusal to respect my pronouns, and imply that I am some sort of tumblrina or special snowflake. And I’ll gladly arrange for your funeral if you outright state it. Since people are killed for being trans and living their truth, it’s only fair to put you in the ground if you try that shit. 🙂
respect my trans homies or i will identify as a fucking problem
Probably AdrianLeewayne via Twitter, but it is all over the Internet and I was unable to find a definitive source
Now, with that out of the way…
Calling Card
Under the non-binary umbrella, I’ve been feeling agender these days. Agender demifemme, to be precise. I’m not on the gender binary whatsoever, nor am I a mix of both binary genders. I do feel a connection to femme, however, with butchy undertones. I feel like I’ve come a long way from my first label of "genderqueer" and still use that sometimes.
It is a possibility that I am genderfluid. This is pending further investigation. 🙂
I also consider myself transgender. I’m the black (or white) stripe in the middle of the transgender flag!
Pronoun Trouble
If the good sir Shakespeare thought well
enough to use a singular they,
hoping as he did, that his words would
carry to this modern day,
then how sayest you that ‘they’ upon thine ears land shrill?
If’t be good enough for him, then good enough f’r thou t’will.Aby_Darling
Default
“They/Them” is acceptable. This is true. Even your precious Dictionary dot com says so! Language evolves, yo. Accept this or get out of my face.
Neopronouns, for Fun
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- ey/em, which I think of as they/them with less letters. I’m a lazy thing.
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- “Yo.” Yeah, seriously. It’s pretty dope. I tend to default to this when speaking, in place of “man” or “dude.”
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- Fun Fact: My VTuber persona uses px/px… like in pixel. I’m a nerdy thing.
Honorifics
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- “Per.,” (as in, “Person”), and it sounds like purr. Cute!
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- “Mx.” also works in a pinch.
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- “Captain” has also been used here and there. I enjoy the ring of it.
Expression
There is little precedent for fat androgyny. Generally our androgynous icons are svelte and lacking in secondary sex characteristics. David Bowie, Tilda Swinton, Katherine Hepburn; these small-bodied, predominately white figures of androgyny have created an aesthetic with little room for deviation. This means that for those of us with bodies that do not conform to traditional standards of androgyny, we are often misread and misunderstood, even in queer spaces.
Clothes have no inherent gender to me. If I like how it looks, I’ll wear it and break a few fashion laws in the process. My ideal is "neither," but I’ll settle for Confusing the Cishets. At any rate, I don’t have to bind my breasts and dress masculine and baggy in order to be neutral; deal with it. I also ain’t gotta be skinny af. Judasmyheart said, "FEMME AS FUCK IS MY ANDROGYNOUS," and I felt that.
Yet Another Binary
I take note when y’all just trade one binary for another. Instead of "man or woman" it’s "masculine or feminine" or "butch or femme." I’m stubborn and refuse to fully subscribe to those, as well; understand that "nah" or "whatever" is a valid expression. My personality isn’t inherently masculine or feminine and my traits are just… traits. While the butch/femme dichotomy doesn’t piss me off as much due to its queer roots…. tread lightly anyway.
Language
"Person" does just fine if you’ve just met me– when in doubt, stay neutral. However, my reaction to most of them is context-dependent. "Girl"/"girl friend" has specific Black culture/AAVE context, and I grew up in the South so most just roll off my back– a lot of it is terms of endearment, after all. I’m also amused at the occasional "sir– I mean– ma’am."
Connections
While pansexual is one of my oldest labels, bisexual fits me as well! It isn’t inherently transphobic and the current working definition is a bit more evolved from what people assume: attracted to more than one gender. In short: for the pedantic "Bi means Two!" crowd, I’m glib and say that I’m attracted to people with and without genders– that’s two things, isn’t it?
We should also consider adding "diamoric" to our dictionaries. Because if you’re into me, you ain’t straight. 😉
Diamoric is an intentionally flexible, loose term that describes a personal identity or a relationship (sexual, romantic, platonic etc.) that is neither “straight” nor “gay” due to the presence of one or more non-binary people.
Dysphoria and Misgendering
Body dysphoria does happen, but not nearly as often as the social dysphoria. It can either piss me off to death, or reduce me to an anxious wreck. You can say "Other" and "neutral" options are a requirement for me. Do you know what else is a requirement? Respecting my fucking pronouns!
I exist. I am here. Acknowledge this with your words and actions.
Other Thoughts
I hate it when the shit I do is gendered/coded male/masculine. I should not have to be "like a dude" to receive praise, especially if it’s a positive trait in men, but not in women.
“When I am assertive, I’m a bitch. When a man is assertive, he’s a boss. He bossed up. No negative connotation behind ‘bossed up.’ But lots of negative connotation behind being a bitch.”
Nicki Minaj
Patriarchy and toxic/fragile masculinity ruins every damn thing it touches. Masculinity needs to be deconstructed, reclaimed, and put back together. And not at the expense of femininity.
I decided that my masculinity would not be seeped in irrational entitlement; it would not be rooted in asserting power or control over women or femme folks. I wanted to create a kind of manhood that creates a safe space for women and femme identified people, so that everyone can be autonomous, carefree in their bodies, desire, and identity. This masculinity doesn’t assume any rank over anyone because they aren’t men or masculine.
Black femininity is amazing. Black femme is amazing. I’ve been trying to put to words how growing up as a black woman has and still influences me, but currently failing. It certainly isn’t something I wish to put in a box and away because I’m enby. This is also the reasoning behind my demifemme label.
I was also keenly aware that my recent ancestors were never granted the right to be seen as feminine, so avoiding femininity made me feel guilty. I felt like I was throwing away something precious.
My femme identity is a purposeful reclamation of femininity from the white supremacist classist heteronormative cis-patriarchy …it an act of resistance. Femme is a chosen, rather than assigned femininity. Femme is taking all the toxic representations of femininity that have scarred us our whole lifetimes, cutting out the rotting parts of shame, and finding a way to celebrate what we liked in the first place. …Femme is fat-positive, poor and working-class-positive, brown-positive, sex-positive, queer-positive femininity.
Shanay Venicia, “Rethinking ideas around femininity: A queer femme of color’s perspective”
Links and Homework
Because I have no idea how to wrap this up.