The Story Everyone Has

Everyone has their The One That Got Away story.

I'm no exception.

Let's call her Sally.

We met in college and became friends. We were a close-knit group, most of us in the same field of study. We both liked anime and hanging out on the Internet.

I had a crush on her. But the crushing-on is what happens an awful lot with my friends, so I kept it to myself. I always end up having crushes on my closest friends. Nothing new.

I came out as bisexual (pansexual) with my first girlfriend, long-distance. It was... fine. But the crush in my friend never abated like it was "supposed" to. And when we broke up, I felt relieved and free to pursue this crush.

Except I never did.

We were thick as thieves by then, and I always stopped myself. Through all the friend dates, late nights, misadventures, and super deep personal conversations-- I cut myself short. Because we were FRIENDS, I was terrified of ruining the FRIENDSHIP. Even after a drunken night at another friend's, confessing that I still had feelings before promptly blacking out, I kept that to myself.

[truncated]

... most of today's entry is too raw to post. In short: I had a friend, I crushed hard, never pursued in fear of "ruining the friendship," and that is one of my biggest regrets.

I went to her wedding. She was beautiful. I watched her tie the knot to another man I couldn't bring myself to hate.

And you wanna know what's fucking tragic?

She always wanted to ask me out. Despite me saying boneheaded Baby's First Closet Outing Foot-in-Mouth disease shit, she actually wanted more, at some point. Because she wondered if she was queer, too. Until her mom beat the thought out of her.

I was never told this until years after the wedding by a mutual friend. I was furious at him for never saying anything. Didn't he see we were both crippling shy people who couldn't take a hint if it bit them on the ass? But I can't be too mad; he was probably sworn to secrecy. Just as I demanded that he don't say a damn word to nobody once I recovered from blacking out at his house.

Last week, I uttered these words of wisdom when someone asked me for advice: "If your friendship breaks because one of you caught feelings, was the friendship ever strong enough to begin with?"

With Sally, I'll never know.

And that is the most painful thing.