Notes from the FORGE

Last month, I participated in a self-defense and empowerment course hosted by the FORGE organization. Not only is it becoming increasingly unsafe for queer people (especially queer people of color, and especially trans people of color)... the shit I pull riling up dorks on Facebook is not a great idea offline. I needed to learn the different ways to de-escalate!

These are all the notes I've compiled (and cleaned up...) over our four-day course. But, these are only notes. FORGE's webinars go into greater detail, and I implore you to check it out.

Framework of Violence, w/examples

• Annoying (least, 1)
  • invisible/ignored
  • refusal to engage
• Dangerous
  • name-calling
  • ongoing verbal harassment
  • threats
• Could Kill You (most, 5)
  • physical assault
  • Physical intimidation
  • property attack

Other factors (context, environment, power dynamics) could change the level of violence. Violence could escalate by boundary pushing, starting with something small.

Boundary Setting

Boundaries are limits you set with others, and set expectations as to how you want to be interacted and treated with.

Our mindsets and internalized scripts have the largest impact on our ability to maintain boundaries.

Also what society tells us is often what we internalize and then begin to tell ourselves. Sahim

Sahim

and

Boundaries give us the space to do the work of loving ourselves. They might be, actually, the first and fundamental expression of self-love. ...Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Prentis Hemphill

Prentis Hemphill

messages received about boundaries

• children's are usually ignored or belittled
• parents ignoring locked doors
• programs, classrooms about peer pressure and stranger danger

why set boundaries?

• conserve energy
• create fertile ground for better community/relationships
• keep yourself safe
• self-respect
• allows those to respect you
• modeling your inner child
• accountability

challenges in enforcing

• FOMO
• disappointing others
• negative core beliefs, "I don't count"
• fear of...
  • not being understood/listened to
  • rejection/abandonment
  • being thought lesser of
  • being perceived as selfish
• trauma
• injustice, social oppression, privilege
• not knowing what your boundaries are
• not wanting to harm the relationship
• uncomfortable
• substance use

Noticing something is wrong is the first step to boundary setting.

• Know when you are physically uncomfortable.
  • What is causing you to feel that way?
  • Does action need to be taken?

During a visualization of someone encroaching on my personal space, I felt unease, prickly sensation, tensing up, and wanting to snap/pull away. That was also a good exercise to see your default reaction: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn (appease).

self-defense choices

• Leave - don't be there
• Yell - use your voice
• Tell - get help
  • reporting to HR
  • getting support from friend, partner, etc.
  • not the police obvs
• Hit - physical defense
  • last resort
  • all other options exhausted
• Go Along
  • safety measure
    • avoid escalation
    • additional danger
  • exception: moving to a second location

Assertiveness

Body, Face, and Tone should match when setting a boundary.

• voice
  • strong tone
  • tell them what you want
    • insulting back tends to escalate
    • "back off"
  • consider language
    • coutesy language ("please stop") to appeal to a boss
    • directly assertive ("just stop")
• body
  • face them
  • strong stance
• face
  • serious face
  • look at them

Remember to breathe. Being mindful of breathing helps breaking the Freeze response.

Find your words, and be as clear as you can.

Repeat. Intensify. Stay on your agenda.

And try not to escalate. (Don't 'pick fights' or make things worse.)

Bystander Intervention

Recognizing a potentially harmful situation and choosing to respond in a way that could make the situation better for the person being targeted.

Education is secondary; the goal is to reduce violence.

Some reasons someone wouldn't get involved:

• personal safety
  • risk being outed
  • physical harm
• power dynamics
• may make things worse
• conditioning / cultural messaging
• bystander effect
• lack of information

But why would you get involved?

• empathy
• would hope someone would do the same for me
• solidarity
• letting someone know they're not alone
• speaking up, so others could feel safe to do the same
• using the privilege to intervene
• help other person be safe

Getting Involved

• Notice something happening
• Define it as a problem
• Believe you can do something/ it's in your place to
• Have something to try
• Do it

Don't forget to assess your own safety. And it is normal to be nervous. BREATHE- break the freeze response.

The 5 D's: Direct, Distract, Delegate, Document, and Delay

• Direct
  • use with both aggressor and/or target
  • most desired
  • ex: "is everything ok?"
• Distract
  • use with both aggressor and/or target
  • conversation starter
  • change the energy
• Delegate
  • find someone who is in a better position to help
  • mentor, authority, friend
• Document
  • take pics, notes, make video
• Delay
  • check in with target
  • provide support

De-escalation

Establishing communication and building rapport with someone who is agitateded, upset, or angry to reduce the possibility of escalation and violence.

Examples of when to use de-escalation instead of asserting boundaries:

• someone in a mental health process
• person is verbally or physically aggressive
• power dynamic
  • may be penalized at your job
  • cops / authority figures that could harm
  • people in your care

The Process

• anchor yourself
  • "what can I do to make things better?"
  • ground yourself
• think about safety
  • assess danger-- weapons? threats?
    • how dangerous is your surroundings?
  • is there an exit? witnesses?
  • resources?
• show your cool
  • stand at a diagonal, hands open
  • body language / mirroring
  • talk calm/soft/slow
  • avoid aggression
• ask, understand, emphathize
  • it's not about being right, it's about being safe
  • listen
  • lie
  • delay
  • ask questions
  • apologise
  • get help
  • leave
  • offer options
  • solve the problem
  • Create a sense of solidarity-- "let us...", "we..."
• resolve, provide an exit

It isn't healthy long term but one thing my Nonviolent crisis intervention training talks about is rational detachment. So basically in a crisis you separate your feelings about the situation from the facts and be calm and collected. (This is specifically aimed at people experiencing a crisis themselves usually mh crisis or autistic meltdown)

And basically empathize with feelings but not specific behaviors that hurt people or themselves  Perri

Perri

NOTE: I have placed everything relating to hitting, techniques, and weapons in the same section. Getting physical is a last resort when all other avenues have failed.

Hitting

Temporary disable your attacker to get to safety.

Recall: Leave, Yell (use words), Tell (get help), Hit, Go Along (until you can get to safety). Escalate when needed.

For the self-defense play in court, shouting "stop" or "no" creates a 'paper trail' for witnesses.

If you are short, your attacker will need to get into your range. You can hit them.

Hitting "in" vs "out": depends on the strike; hits coming outside of the body tend to be stronger because of hip torque (a hook in boxing, or a roundhouse kick).

ACAB always. Don't call them for shit!

• aim for sensitive spots

  • eyes
  • temples
  • neck
  • nose
  • groin

• when hitting---

  • do not overextend; keep elbow bent
  • keep your other hand up as a guard
  • if standing, pivot to add more power

• Hammerfist

  • lead with the palm portion (pinkie side)
  • thumb position
    • don't tuck it in,
    • don't have it out on the side
  • pivot, use whole body

• Stomp

  • dominant leg backward
  • knees not locked, keep bent
  • middle of foot down on attacker's foot
    • heel has smaller surface
  • maintain your balance, don't fall
    • grab your attacker
  • sitting down, you can add your body into it

• Elbow Strike

  • actually using part of your arm
  • pivot/move from the hip for more power
  • do not fling the shoulder
  • your body is a door, you're shutting the door

• Palm Heel

  • curl fingers
  • lead with the palm
  • follow-through, then reset

• Knee Strike

  • very vulnerable
  • this aims for front or sides of the knee
  • use the instep of your foot
  • aim for front/side of knee
  • to keep your balance, grab your attacker

• GET CREATIVE

  • use what you can reach
  • mobility aids

Always return to defensive posture (hands in front, guarding).

Ground Fighting

(any flat surface, like a bed) is a vulnerable position. If you can, stay upright.

• lead with legs
• you can use hips more
• can still use hand hits (hammerfist, etc.)
• keep a leg between you and your attacker
  • protect vulnerable center line
  • follow them w/ your foot/leg
• your resources
  • legs
  • fists
  • mobility aids
  • whatever you can find
• attack vulnerable spots
  • groin
  • knees
  • shins
  • throw them off balance
• vocalize as much as you can
  • call for help

Weapons

Weapons are used much less than you think, and are typically for intimidation.

Since most attacks are by people we know (including property attacks!), responding to lower-threat behaviors (e.g. harassment, boundary crossing, etc.) before a weapon is involved becomes even more important. If you figure out that someone is likely to have or use a weapon, do what you can to deal with it before the weapon is used against you.

Assess your situation: what do they want? what are your options? how far is it to safety? And your options: leave, talk, hide, fight.

Strategies

• verbal
  • de-escalate
  • delay
  • distract
  • feign compliance
  • talk them out of it
• physical
  • run in a zigzag (if a gun)
  • shield
  • protect your vulnerable center line
  • control the weapon if you can

Afterward

Once you are safe, you need to settled and take care of yourself.

Grounding

Bring yourself to the present moment. Find what works for you. Could help before implementing bystander intervention, as well.

• feel your body
• intentional breaths
• describe what your senses are telling you
  • what do you hear?
  • see?
  • feel?
• literal - feet on ground

Aftercare

• document
• support yourself when activated
  • self-care
  • self-soothing
  • things you like
  • grounding exercises
• tell somone you trust

Remember: you survived. And you will continue to survive.