2D 2F

Somehow you've returned to Some Sorta Recap, where I install yet another fucking gacha game instead of just buying several beers.

There's no rantsona this time around because they also got Reverse Isekai'd into modern Tokyo and their Japanese is laughably terrible, even by Weeb standards.

They will not be returning. There's universal health care over there. Trump'll probably not allow them back in the country anyway.

"what the hell are you even talking about"

Fine, I'll write it out this one time:

Henceforth known as "DDFF." I'd make a joke that you could call it "The Zipcode My Tits Reside In" for short, but that doesn't have the same punch as just saying "ddff" real fast. It sounds like a sneeze. Bless you. (Yes, I did that joke twice because I am a hack, not a sellout.)

So, yeah, this thing. Someone in my FF7 Shipwar Veteran circles called this "AU fanfic you could no longer access because you lost your login info to ff.net" and uh...

that's it, that's the premise!

Because let's be for fucking real right now, it's not the battle system or the story that's keeping the game installed! It's because I love this absolutely ridiculous, thinly-veiled story that only serves to justify its "just one more mobile game, Squeenix can stop whenever they want" existence. Not to mention the right amount of shiny to hold my attention instead of answering my text messages.

didn't we do this before

Ah, you remembered. She must not be forgotten! But novellas don't count and they all turned into normies. DDFF has them battling demons. Literal ones.

Occasionally, SE loves sticking Real Life into the plot, for better or worse (but always a hoot). I also liked (!) FF13's Modeling gig thing, so I was already predisposed to this sorta nonsense.

...No, I really did. I thought this was hot shit:

So the ""modern"" (scare quotes) designs I was excited to see. And then I saw that fucking hat.

We are in for a silly time, folx. Someone is dangling FF-shaped keys in my peripheral and I couldn't be giddier.

srsly this is funny as shit

They gotta "blend in" with modern clothing. (Yeah, Zidane, hide that tail! Or, uh, don't). They run into to this one kid on occasion and get a crash course in parasocial relationships. They all are in a group chat. With mobile phones and everything.

I'm sure there's other stuff, but I'm too busy laughing at Cloud's disdain for texting, or wondering what the fuck Sephiroth would wear (snakeskin, because of fucking course he would), or guessing how long it'd take before Mog lets their Mod Powers get to their head. The possibilities are endless. This is the pulp fanfic fodder true warriors strive for.

But is anyone like, thrilled about this?

no

literally no one asked for this

When people said they wanted more Dissidia, this was not what they had in mind. From what I've seen there's been responses of:

1. a deadpan "ok" or
2. a barely-contained rage of "what" as DDFF dances on the grave of the late Opera Omnia
3. secret third option of being blissfully unaware of this bullshit

I'm of the first camp, because... please, don't be mad... I've never picked up a Dissidia game before this one. I just went, "Hey, cool concept! I love the character designs that have added Amano's embellishments. Nice touch." I was a Nintendo DS girlie, for better or for worse, until I had to sell the thing for gas money.

do not get your hopes up

There's a history of Square Enix making and killing their mobile games, so everyone's giving this one about a year before they pull the plug. Also, didn't they say they were getting out of that market?

So, it's been like, a month; how they doin'?

...

They've done well enough to lure me in with free 60+ tickets for abilities and 5 character tickets so I can pull Rikku outright sooooo you tell me, boss!

so anyway I started pulling

So you load the game, and like most things, the party don't really start til Cloud gets there with the Sephiroth salsa and chips. Which he lost. But don't worry, I'm sure the villain(s) will show up again eventually.

But after the preliminaries, you get to choose your fighter! They want you to pick Cloud Strife so bad! But you won't, because you're not a sucker! You're an adult, and you will absolutely buy into the illusion of life's choices!

As Professor Oak said that one time, the challenge is winning with your favorites. "Pick your team based on vibes," he said, basically. So the first character in my roster was based on... which battle theme made me wanna shake my ass the most. It was a close call, with Zidane's and Gaia's being serious contenders.

In the end, tho, any remix of Terra's Theme is a friend of mine! Also I like playing characters with range don't you fucking come near me

and here's where it loses me

With the exception of AFK Journey, the battle mechanics are the least favorite part of any of the gacha I play. I completely ignore that stuff in LaDs until I absolutely can't, for grinding purposes.

srsly i don't give a fuck about the battles or whatever

Not only does it have the nerve to be all battley and shit, being PVP. But you also gotta get on teams. Actual 3v3 PvP WtF. Teamwork, in this economy?!

There is the solo option with character challenges, where I tend to hang out. Computer-controlled teammates and rivals can't roll their eyes at my terrible performance. I can only blame the camera so many times before I force myself into the tutorial level. But by then, it's no fun because I hate PvP when I just want a time-waster number-go-up with my favorite character(s).

i like humanity too much to not inflict my terrible hand-eye coordination upon it

Two words: Auto Battle. (or is that one word, hyphenated?)

I ain't got time to whupAss/getMyAssWhupped for most of my day so I pick a challenge to focus on and let 'er rip! And no, I don't do that in Casual, and you'll never see me in Ranked unless I'm feeling particularly masochistic, so get off my case about it. Or maybe I'll do just that just to spite yo ass. The AI would probably do a better job anyway, let's be honest.

Besides, we all know the real fun is being an absolute menace in the Community tab. That's where I also hang out, where I can participate in other folx excitedly talking about saving up or using their Blorbos while the brainiacs strategized.

My favorite group is FFX fan-focused and we were so hyped for Rikku, and doin' the Hymn of the Fayth bit and praying that they add Auron. NGL, that'd be fuckin' sick.

literally the only good thing about this game is the music

Dissidia soundtracks, in general? Amazing.

These character battle remixes? Astounding, 110% perfect, no notes, go home. I'd just have the game running just to listen to its music. Nothing else matters.

actually, 1 more thing

Fashion misses aside, I do enjoy the art. The various pieces for the skills are simply stunning, and I love Miki Yamashita's style. And you know what? I like Nomura's stuff and you won't shame me for it!

...

Okay, now I've said all the positives I could about this thing.

i don't know, what the fuck

This has the same fascination as the last season of Empire: I'm just here for the shitshow with questionable fashion choices that even give me pause.

It's an unremarkable gacha with nothing to write home about and with the usual gacha hallmarks you've seen everywhere else. The UI is weird (20% of that just being "Skill Issue," tho), the system is unbalanced (for now), and the damn thing is straight up Pay 2 Play if you want to have any sort of edge. As usual. I've been told to just grab NT and call it a night.

And yet, this fucking game is growing on me. I love wasting time on my phone. And nostalgia is absolutely at play here. After all, some of the biggest critics also give the biggest shits.

...am I the target audience?

aw shit probably

Final Verdict: that thing you wrote when you were twelve/??

IDK about your neck of the woods, but we've been cracking jokes over here. You see this shit available in your Play Store and you scoff, thinking to yourself: teen me could've done better than this! And you probably could've.

Well, the second best time is now.

G'wan, open up Notepad after checking out https://dissidia.dev/. Give yourself 750 words maximum of your favorite FF protagonist plopped down in the middle of your city– bonus points if they run into you. Create an account and post it on Archive of Our Own.

Do it!

• Throw everyone into a coffeehouse AU!
• Onion Knight and Ness... what is this, a crossover episode?!
• Let Lightning continue her modeling gig!
• Put Cloud and Sephiroth on an episode of Maury where they can finally clear the air!
• Describe Kefka getting heckled offstage and promptly canceled!!
• Have Rikku and Lightning kiss!
• Consider Terra experiencing a Gabriel Dropout moment as she grapples with her addiction to gacha games and claw machines!
• Kain browsing Reddit!
• Zidane being interviewed and loving the attention from the guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!

I ding dong ditch dare you.

If there isn't a wave of BoxOfScraps-style fanfic from all this, I'll be disappointed. Enjoy the game while it lasts, such ephemeral things. But fanfic? Also ephemeral but lasts a bit longer.

Now ask me what Zidane's favorite coffee is, and why is it a dirty chai latte?

P.S.

Oh right, add me too I guess, kupo.