Tag: writing

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Bloganuary writing prompt: What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?

I want to note that I’m on two meds for depression, which could account for my more-than-rosy tone here (and on my worst days, it’s still meh, but at least I’m around to complain about it). Not everyone has that privilege, and I acknowledge that. I love y’all and I’m pulling for y’all. There’s no wrong answer to this question.

But what is my answer?

“Sweet.”

Edward from Twilight.
“Hey Dracula, meet me in my sunroom at high noon to say that shit to my face. Oh wait, you can’t? SUCKS TO SUCK, LOSER!”

But I’ll want to know the caveats up front, because what’s a long life (or immortality) if you can’t do anything with it? And, you know, what’s the catch?

  • Will you be taken care of?
  • Is it one of those science fiction things where you’re a brain in a jar?
  • Or a fantasy thing where you’re actually a vampire (and unless your story is set in Washington, can never set foot in the sun again)?
  • Or the most likely scenario of strutting around a nursing home with your best friend?
  • Will you still be of sound mind, if not body?
  • Can you even afford to?
  • Where is the fine print, Beelzebub!?

Despite the potential for Dubious Deals with Devils, Transhuman Technicalities, Monkey Paw Jackassery, Pitfalls of Capitalism, and whatever else you may think of… From where I’m sitting at this point of time, it sounds pretty dope.

You’ve done so much, and you can reflect and witness more history. You’ve more to experience and hell, even if it’s just existing and vibing, that’s still an experience. And the stories you can tell! To compare and contrast the then and here and now. To be a representation of an obtainable future for younger generations– I know, as a queer Black person, it is comforting to see an elder that has survived and continues to survive.

I wish to be that for someone else, too. The world may be against me, but I’m still here. Oh, and modems were real. Real slow.

I want to see the science fiction I grew up on finally become plain ol’ science. We’ll get those flying cars any day now. Just not anytime soon. And I’ll sign up for the cyborg program to extend my life another 100 years or something (provided that Elon Musk stays far, far away from the technology behind it; I’ll literally rather die than let him put chips in my brain).

I want to stick around to see if things get better. And if not? Well. You’re going to be hearing about it!

Anyway.

You know that bit where Sarah Lynn is on a talk show, spinning in a chair and declaring that she’s gonna live forever? That’s my answer, in a nutshell. Sign me the fuck up!

Sarah Lynn spinning in a chair, declaring that she is going to live forever.

Oh.

I’m utterly terrified of death with a tendency to procrastinate. If I had it my way, I will be late to my own funeral (which, for the record, will be a party). So that’s probably a factor.

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You know what they say, “New Year, New Me!” I’ve stopped knocking people that say that, but I feel like that doesn’t fit me, personally. I like declaring “New Year, Same Me– with Improvements!” Or something equally corny.


And I figure it’s a good time as any to update my blog, yeah?


Queer Qwanzaa Reflection


I did not do a big ol’ post like I did last year– it’s very turned inward, in contrast, but it does incorporate into my New Year goals quite a bit.


I strive to improve on most common goals people set for this year: I really do need to work out more, and eat more vegetables; in general, improve my health especially in light of new chronic illnesses. And I’d like to cook more, especially! I have a few cookbooks with my name on them. And most of them are plant-based or vegetarian.


As for educational and career aspiration, I keep my skills sharp by practicing and keeping abreast on the new hot things like 11ty. For fun, I’m still on Glitch, and I’ve set up an obligatory Github account (but since design is my strength, I should look into something else?). Lately I’ve had the nostalgic urge to really kick it old school, so I finally dusted off my NeoCities account. One of the many personal projects I’m considering would definitely be a redesign of my current Link-in-Bio.


And oh, boy: this is also an election year. I’m prepared to call out misinformation and fascism. And I must be visible so people know that not only do I exist, but that it is possible to exist like this.


Social House


A friend of mine made a very poignant statement last month:


My resolution is to not be waiting at the door for people that’ll never arrive.

“J.J.”


I do need to start showing up for the people that value me as a person and worthy of their time, not ruminating over those that haven’t otherwise expressed interest in my life. I’ve talked about this before, and I’ve made note of the exceptions, but that is my biggest goal for this year.


That can get lonely. And, well, it is. But that is what community is for. I need to be more active in the safer spaces I am a member of. If I have the bandwidth, maybe find others to partake in.


The Fun Stuff


Meme Template from The Good Place. First Panel: a shaken Chidi saying, "I... I just saw... a trillion... different realities folding... onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming... a single blade..." Next panel is Michael dismissively stating "Yeah, yeah, the WIP FOLDER, we've all seen it."
I got my work cut out for me.


I’m done a pretty good job journaling, but I can work on blog posts and telling y’all a little more about my life. I plan to utilize prompts a lot more! I am not terribly exciting most days (and, honestly, something I am grateful for) so I’ll need to be pointed in the write (ha ha ha ha) direction.


I’d like to improve my habit of doing writing things. I’ve signed up to Get Your Words Out this year, and I plan on participating in National Poetry Writing Month in April. 750 Words also has monthly challenges that I can consider.


But it’s not just outward voice bloggy posts. I’d like to work on more fiction. To get myself primed I’ve been dragging fanfiction out of the WIP folders and working on them. I’ve even cleaned up and ported some ancient stuff! Additionally additionally, maybe even put together a poetry book (Can you believe the thing I’m stuck on the most is having a freaking title!?).


Wanna write good? Read a lot.

A lot of writers, famous and otherwise


I want to be a better writer. So I’m making more time to read. I rediscovered my joy of just getting lost in books, and want to keep that feeling. With 200 books and stories between my eReader and To-Read pile on The Storygraph, I won’t have a shortage of material. It’s only a matter of what to read next.


And oh, to return to streaming and vtubing. I fell off near the end of last year, and I was just shy of the coveted 100 Followers on Twitch. I’ve received some additional stressors to my life, to put it simply, and had to take an unofficial hiatus. I am fine, and I will be fine, I just needed time to regroup. I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.


The Short of It


My goals aren’t the most lofty, but they mean a lot to me. While I’m doubling down on the Stuff I Need To Do, the mindfulness to not neglect hobbys and career advancement will keep me sane. Well, so I hope.


And, you know, be gay, throw bricks. Always. <3

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When you’re a kid, dancing fell between two categories: stuff you tried to emulate from music videos and friends, or dances you learned at school. I typically made do with the latter since I lacked MTV and dancing friends in my immediate vicinity.


In elementary school, there was a period where we could choose a fun elective to partake in. I can’t even recall what all the options were, but I felt like I needed to forfeit The More Fun Stuff to know how to work my two left feet with the remedials. What were the Cool Kids doing? They already knew how to dance, I guess, and took up other things. My friends and fellow nerds were the ones lining up on the outdoor patio, taking instructions from the teacher. I did feel awkward, but I did have a little fun– and the small confidence boost of doing the right steps after a few tries was worth it.


Unfortunately, that was the exception to how the academically-sanctioned dance classes usually went. And most of the time, it was under duress for Participation Credit– where they won’t call your parents for being a difficult punk destined for the electric chair. (Hey! I’m cool! Did you get that reference!? And now that Prince song is stuck in my head…)


Cue gym class, the bane of BLERDs. We were taught the waltz (where would I use this?), square dancing (where can I use this?!), and whatever popular line dance was happening. But unlike the outdoor patio scenario, that was humiliating. My bullies and crushes alike were watching me go “AYE!” in the wrong direction. (BTW, If that VHS tape of me doing The Macarena for extra credit in gym still exists, please dispose of it. Or post it on YouTube. You cannot kill me in a way that matters.)


So. I have a (mostly) negative association with dancing. Understandably. I guess.


I didn’t try again until high school, when I complained loudly that no one was dancing– specifically, no one was dancing with me. And thanks to my big mouth I found myself rooted in place, swaying side to side with a boy who I had a major crush on, and I didn’t dare move my hands past his shoulders until the last bit of the song. My friends cheered me on and hollered when I got brave enough to move them down to his hips.


Everything was mortifying at that age. But it’s funny now, and I did eventually find it funny the next day (and I touched my crush! I was giddy for days, honestly).


I declared myself strictly the wallflower type through college and beyond. I have all the excuses and methods (and observations):


  • You’re too busy people-watching– but don’t make eye contact, or Rinoa will find you.

  • If you’re a mosher, you cannot be caught dancing.

  • If you like un-dance-able genres, you have no obligation to do so.

  • “Sorry! I’ll be behind the bar! All night!” If that’s already covered, bring a hookah or something flammable that must need babysitting.

  • Be outside and away from the dance floor as far as possible… even if you don’t smoke.

  • Find a plushy couch (or, with consent, a lap to sit on) and be so darn comfortable you don’t wanna move.

  • All dogs (and cats) must be petted and/or chased around constantly.

  • Speaking of chasing constantly, you can always seem to be looking for somebody that you just keep missing!

  • Wear heavy, heavy platform boots. Can’t possibly dance in those! (You can always take that as a challenge, should you change your mind.)


But in spite of those, I have been caught:


  • dancing with my best friends because I know they won’t (maliciously) make fun of me as they help me out,

  • being upset when declared having “rhythm like a white girl,”

  • dancing in my room when I have too much energy,

  • participating in those crowd-pleasing line dances where you just follow the directions (and there’s a ton of people messing up with me so I blend right in),

  • following workout videos that were suspiciously like dance lessons, and

  • that one time I danced at that wedding. We’ll blame the open bar.

  • And that other wedding.

  • And the one where my aunts dared me to.

  • And that other wedding where I rehearsed The Wobble with my relatives.

  • And my friend’s wedding where I was terrified I’d drop my date on the floor as I dipped her but did it anyway!


But seriously. You get the idea.


I am still jealous of the people that can just… move. Without a guide, or knowing enough of the basics that they can cobble something together. Let the music flow through them and not worry about how silly or how stiff they look (or do, and just don’t give a shit).


I can count on one hand where I’ve truly felt that. But soon, it’ll be two hands.


In the last pit I was in, I didn’t dance too much– like a goldfish, I wasn’t acclimated to the water (crowd) well enough and I promptly froze for the rest of the night, to be around too many people too soon. So I was watching others, taking notes, hoping I’ll learn how to do that. I was too self-conscious to let go of my dance anxiety, too worried I’ll look like that ultra stiff and awkward lady from the vine (the one in my mind’s eye, anyway; in retrospect I’m reconsidering that she may be taking the piss but any rate, let the woman dance!).


But the last few times were great. Once, I heard a favorite song and moved without thinking! Then, a show was so good that I couldn’t help but two-step and sway the whole time. I wore wedges in the mosh pit! I fell in the mosh pit, because you don’t wear wedges in a mosh pit, you two step-in those! I’ve brought partners to shows and sometimes we’d dance. Sometimes, together! And I’d touch them, all dance-like! From our last date I was giddy for days (hell, I’m still giddy)!


As you get older, you stop giving a shit about things. I hope that’s what is happening to me when it comes to this dancing stuff. Maybe I’ll even get the hang of it.


Or not.


But I’ll continue to have fun regardless whether I’m shy two-stepping or being an introverted wallflower, people-watching and staying close to the exit.

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This man knows not of how this information has affected me

But he knows the color of the car I just drove away in

“Flinch,” by Alanis Morissette


Triggers and C-PTSD are a motherfucker. I’m not sure if I’m using the correct terminology, so let me just paint the scene. At any rate, my reaction was as visceral as those song lyrics.


You’re mindlessly scrolling on your social media of choice, when you come across a thread. It seems like a cool idea, an outing or event, and you’re actually free that weekend. So you scroll.


And you see a familiar name. It takes a moment, but you remember.


And you want to throw up.


Because this name is no longer a friend of yours; you stopped speaking to each other after a heated argument. A major one, you can say; that was no pineapple-belongs-on-pizza debate.


I remember that morning.


I tried to explain how wrong it was to post and share the murder of a Black person, even if it was for a supposedly noble cause, because institutionalized racism even affects how our deaths are portrayed in the media a mere trauma porn– no dignity, all spectacle. It is about Impact, not Intent. But she doubled down, screaming about so-called justice. She did not listen. She ignored nuance. And somehow my concern translated to “you want those cops to get away with murder.”


It has happened before. And I have a feeling it will keep happening. Because to those so worried about justice, the end will always justify the means– and if that means my pain is a stepping stone to a slap on the wrist for a cop, then so be it. “Justice is served! Sorry about your mental health, though. Have you tried thinking about the bigger picture?”


I’m tired of that racist shit, the same conversations.


And I’m tired of this coming from people who I thought I could rely on.


I cried that morning. “Why are people like this!?” I wailed on my girlfriend’s shoulder.


I’m tired of my pain not mattering, and it hurts.


I saw her name, and it came flooding back.


So what did I do?


Before logging off for awhile for a nice bubble bath, I let a few people in that thread know. Some understood, others opened dialogue with me and respected boundaries when I ran out of spoons.


Only one said she “understood” my point of view but didn’t see it that way, and hoped that I didn’t hate her for “partying with this person once a year.” I said I didn’t. And it wasn’t a lie. But I thought, if you’re willing to overlook such gross thought patterns for a giant bonfire and booze, how long will it take before you reveal something heinous of your own? Would you have my back if The Pattern asserts itself? Could I cry on your shoulder?


I didn’t know.


Since it’s been proven time and time again that I’m just unimportant collateral damage to the culture at large, I have to find my own ways to protect myself. On the outside it’s callous, unforgiving, with ghosting tendencies, and kinda mean. But for the people that have been burned like this one too many times– for those on the margins who would rather not risk their safety for the possibility of friendship– they get it.


And with my adult life punctuated by moments like this… is it any wonder why I just wouldn’t bother? It’s not a difficult choice when you frame it like that, and I’m saddened that it has to be this way. Sad, and resigned.


It sucks.


I didn’t stick around long enough to find out if she knew that the company you keep could be a yellow or red flag for most people, and to be honest, I didn’t explain either.


At the end of the day I didn’t hate her. I just couldn’t trust her.


So I lost her number.

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This still counts if I post it on the very last day of October. Happy Halloween. I was hesitant to post this. Depression is a bitch.


Whether it’s pure coincidence, metaphysical weirdness, brain chemistry, or yet another example of my moral failings, the roughest time of the year is upon me again. I have a pretty good previous month to look back on, but that doesn’t matter. The veil is thinnest here, the one between my insecurities and happiness. I’m haunted by my mistakes, supposed and otherwise.


But, I wrote a poem. And it started off with


Between Deftones and an oat milk latte and still flying high from Janelle Monae

I stopped caring.

“I Wish I Could Float”


And maybe it will stick this time. The Not Caring (Too Much).


I thought it funny to have my birthday party on the last day of September, technically Libra season, but I also declared that month my Birthday Month so y’all can’t be mad anyway. I suppose it’s my way of demanding space from a lifetime of feeling like I’m always someone’s backburner afterthought: whether it’s being dehumanized by society, de-prioritized by algorithms, simply ghosted, left on read for a month, or the consequences of setting myself up as the Low-Maintenance Person Thing.


Some of it I’ll just have to live with. We all have busy lives, some more busy than others, and as I keep saying: the years since COVID-19 hit the scene have been particularly tough. Answering texts isn’t exactly as important as trying to survive. I allow grace for that; to not would be hypocritical of me. And some folks just don’t think about me as much as I think about them; I can’t change that but I can adjust accordingly.


But I can be mad at say, Facebook, which only exacerbates my loneliness.


Because I’ve forgotten that we are alone by default.


Perhaps this is just me rationalizing my sometimes-crippling desire for closeness. But– hang on– wait– you can find a whole buncha quotes that have a more positive spin on that concept. A quick Ecosia search spits out a few by, like, important people or at least people with really recognizable names. I especially like Welles’ thought on the subject. I even reblogged it on my Tumblr once, with a graphic from Final Fantasy XIII. Trust me, that combination worked.


We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.

Orson Welles


I’m currently in the process of crystalizing my own “spin” on being alone and/or lonely. Put simply,


I’m open,

Show up

or

Don’t

“I Wish I Could Float”


That is definitely a work in progress. It’s just a touch too flippant. I need to convey something softer, too, and that not everyone gets such an invite– only the ones that give a shit about my existence.


I was an only kid for the first decade of my life, so I’ll be alright. And I’ll be okay in the end, because in the end we’re all alone anyway. But that doesn’t mean we all can’t keep each other company.


I’ll let you know where I am– especially when the “being alone” is revealed as “loneliness”. I’ll reach out when I can, from off-hand “I’ll be here, tag along?” to “We haven’t got lost in IKEA for awhile, now” to “date me, you walnut.” If you’d like to spend time with me, that’s awesome. If no one responds I guess that’d suck.


Keep me company. If you want to.

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CONTENT WARNING: death, death mention


This weekend, I saw someone die on the shore.


The asterisk: it was very likely they died on the shore. But I hope they didn’t.


I was distracted– trying not to lose the hat I borrowed– when my partner noted a crowd gathering not too far from where we were . When I saw someone laying on the sand, not moving, I stopped frolicking.


I stood there, unsure, not wanting to stare but concern grew in me. I checked it carefully for any hints of morbid curiosity. The waves crashed at my back, pushing me to return to land and I do so; the higher waves weren’t fun anymore. I look around self-consciously, and I was not the only one to leave. Maybe they thought the same that I did– that being in the water still having fun while someone was dying seemed… wrong.


I sat where the shore was dark-wet sand, a compromise between needing the comfort of nature and the Wrongness I felt if I stayed in deeper waters. Two women walked by, asking of anyone else knew CPR. I apologized for not knowing. People were taking turns. The crowd grew. This Someone still hadn’t stirred.


I focused on the sand-wave combination burying my feet.


I tried to fit the experience to my intrusive thoughts earlier in the day: don’t go too far, remember the riptides, don’t go too deep, I can’t lose you.


I thought, how would the world be like if everyone stopped what they were doing and acknowledged a life in peril or a life possibly lost. Overt, Obvious, Empathy.


I thought of that Buffy episode where she couldn’t call her deceased mom “The Body” and I also refused to call Someone “The Body” holding out for as long as I could while people were still doing CPR.


Someone started waving their arms; the medical team arrived with their direction. Minutes after, the police were on the scene as well. We decided to leave. Our beach bag was almost in the way of the med’s four-wheeler. I felt guilty, and promised I would not have been mad if they ran it over. I couldn’t help but say, “I hope they’re okay.” And there was an apology; because it was likely they really, really weren’t going to be.


But I was compelled to hope. Hope that Someone would pull through.


When we left, they were still doing CPR. I think. I saw a stretcher. I don’t remember much else.


At the back of the resort, we rinsed off our feet. Someone at the gate asked questions.


And then I hear it: “She was my friend.”


I can’t say what hasn’t been said before, already. About death, I mean. But my experience is still uniquely my own, at least through only my eyes and the thoughts attached to what I saw– my personalized reminders of our morality.


A morbid, juxtaposed footnote for a wonderful beach trip celebrating our birthdays.


It isn’t as haunting as I thought it would be. But maybe “haunting” is just too strong a word for the effect.


The day after, I checked online for any news of the incident. And two days later it did float into my mind as I was rinsing my grapes. And it is the sole subject of this post.


I suspect it will come up again, the next time I visit the beach. Or I’ll give into the urge to resume my news search.


I’m wondering if I am the “right amount” of haunted.

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I’ve had not much to blog about, other than the vague yearning to fill up a page with little old-school gifs and stamps. I’ve also been craving to create and I’ve made good on that craving, beyond poetry. There’s VTubing and taking immense joy in noodling about with the lore. I’m finally kicking off two fanfiction ideas that have been in the back of my mind for years. I may even get into pixel art. And at the same time, this blog has been quiet. I’m (trying) not to stress (too much) about it. Sometimes things happen on other platforms, sometimes privately, sometimes in progress, and sometimes things are just still.


But hey.


I’ve found something ancient.


It’s an account I’ve had since high school, if you can believe that. It’s pretty neat to come across things that are over two decades old, still floating around. I guess that’s true for anything posted on the internet; it’s just a matter of if you can even access it. (The more embarrassing pieces are very well Lost Media. So the hope goes.)


On top of this discovery, I’ve been feeling pretty nostalgic lately. A recent trip to Hot Topic had me obtain a few tees:


  • Linkin Park’s Meteora 20th anniversary edition
    Meteora was my go-to album just starting college and figuring my shit out. I still bump to it when I’m feeling particularly emotional. My girlfriend has seen me drunkenly sing and mosh along to the entire album, once. I destroyed all video evidence but if it pops up on MySpace I wouldn’t be particularly mad about it.

  • a panel from a Junji Ito manga
    Tomie, specifically. That was the first horror movie series that I really got into, thanks to the local video rental store that had a lot of different stuff on its shelves.

  • The Sonic the Hedgehog tee does not count; it was not Archie!Sonic. And the round belly 90s Sonic did not have any in stock in my size.


Cue pondering my current draw to the things I grew up on: the usual. It’s fun. “I know that thing!” It reminds me of happier times when the world didn’t seem to suck so much. Maybe, even something profound on how history marches on but at the same time, falls back. It’s comforting, like the childhood blanket lovingly folded up in the closet– except it’s unfolded on my bed.


“This was something I loved as a kid, and is still important to me, and even a codifier to who I am today.”


Revisiting stuff reminds me of my mindset, and it’s wild to compare/contrast the then/now. “Faint” is still a personal favorite, but at least I have a support network that does not make me feel like that (those work emails, on the other hand…). And as I start sliding back into my Goth phase, maybe I’ll be creepier this time around. I’m certainly building up the makeup arsenal to pull it off.


The current Sonic comic run is okay. I’m enjoying it. I miss Princess Sally.



I should probably say something about The Old Internet. A lot of people have said it better already, and I will certainly link to some of ’em later. I miss it, and I don’t mean in the Eternal September sense– that’s some cynical elitist bullshit. What I mean is, an Internet before things became about content, content, content, c o n t e n t in front of as many people as possible using the most intrusive algos. Wait– I have content? Yeah, but that’s a technicality. And you don’t see me shoving it in your face and I’m not trying to sell you something. I’m just hanging out over here.


And here’s the kicker:


The Old Internet never left. Some of it is abandoned and/or archived, but that is the nature of most things. When there isn’t a revamp, revival, or a “classic” spinoff– it’s here, continuing, slowed down perhaps but hasn’t stopped. Pretty obvious, if you look beyond the big names. You know the ones. They usually have apps, maybe a Material theme, and are just geared to enrage you unless you did some tweaks. And install an adblock.


I’m compelled to quote/cite Ploum, who also penned this excellent teardown as to why Facebook Entering The Fediverse Is a Bad Idea, Actually. But I digress:


It feels like everyone is now choosing its side. You can’t stay in the middle anymore. You are either dedicating all your CPU cycles to run JavaScript tracking you or walking away from the big monopolies. You are either being paid to build huge advertising billboards on top of yet another framework or you are handcrafting HTML.

Maybe the web is not dying. Maybe the web is only splitting itself in two.

“Splitting the Web“


I’m also in danger of repeating myself. In short, the dusting off of old habits and a more engaged involvement of my media consumption. And, how I spend time online. (Some updates: Pocket was reinstalled for the edge cases of articles I didn’t come across in RSS. Tildes ultimately won out and kbin gets a visit when I want a TLDR news cycle and the urge to be snarky.)


But, here is a list of what I mean:




Nostalgia? Old Internet? 1


eeeeeeey tiny button!

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So anyway. I love being silly. There is no intro paragraph and I’m not gonna hit you with the Thesis/Main Idea and Three Reasons Why. I’m not going to drag this out with citations and lengthy examples (okay, maybe some examples). I’m just going to braindump on why I enjoy being so damn silly and preface a codifier with a question that has haunted me since middle school:

What's Normal Anyway?
Read the webcomic about being a trans man, or even better, buy the book! 

Everyone’s "normal" is different, when they’re not confusing it with other words like "standard," "straight," "middle," and "white." Sorry for getting political (end sarcasm; I ain’t fucking sorry), but you pick up the shorthand if you stick around long enough. Lemme tell you (in my opinion, but I am stating it as an absolute fact!):


It’s some boring shit! Normal is conforming. Normal is what’s expected. Normal votes red or blue. Normal is binary, has rules and criteria, and other things that feel dull and uninspired. Normal is alla that.


Until it isn’t.

Two panels from a Penny and Angie page; Mary-Ann is diffusing a tense teen situation by cracking jokes, causing Michelle to laugh. KatyAnn: Are shawls... schmalz? Michelle: Pff ff ff ff ff ... Do you work at being this weird? KatyAnn: It's God's gift. I have the frock of mockery. In the second panel KatyAnn also has a halo while she sticks her tongue out, smiling. Two angelic smiley faces float above her head, too.
This pink-haired white girl and her lines here live rent free in my head.

My normal can be different from the normal of someone else. My normal can involve the pills I need to take and how many ants I see in my windowsill (which should be ZERO). My normal also includes a daily joke in my morning routine and sending memes to my loved ones. My normal is non-sequiturs that only make sense to me– sometimes. I dance in my chair. I say goofy things to take my coworkers off-guard. I have the same three tired jokes in rotation but damn it, they are played out for a reason!


How did the fire fall in love? It met its match! While you groan at that one, rethink normal and be weird. Or is weird the normal? Meditate on that!


"Why are you like this?!" My nesting partners exclaim when I set down a large shriveled seed of some sort onto their belly button as they mind their own damn business.


Because it’s fun, duh.


And, sure, to be serious a moment (just one), it could be a defense mechanism of some sort. Obligatory "was the weird kid in high school" (ask "M," we kicked trees during our lunch break). I definitely leaned into it the older I grew and… at some point, you realize that being weird is pretty okay. Even better when you find a support network with a bunch of other weirdos. One person’s weird is another person’s normal, and vise versa.


You know those old folks who do weird shit and just don’t give a fuck? That is real. But why wait? Be weird now. Be silly. Or… I dare say… you can even dare to be stupid.


You know the song! It was even featured in my favorite toy commercial, that 80s Transformers movie. At some point the cast was moping around until this mustached robot weirdo of a self-insert character pops out of the wreckage and distracts them with a cycle brawl– with, I assume, that song blaring out of his speakers– until Hot Rod showed up and started to speak his language because he’s also a goofy bitch. The punches died down, everyone eventually made up, the Optimus Replacement got put together, and with their powers combined they rocket off that junk planet once they were done dancing on it.


Weird Al (Wreck-Gar) and Hot Rod swapping Energon rocks.
A Genius annotation stating the obvious: Weird Al is telling you to do stupid stuff.

So, it’s also kinda like that. I guess.


Maybe I can…


    • bring a smile (or grimace) to someone’s face,


    • diffuse a weird and tense situation (by just making it weird),


    • defang bigots (putting the demon in Pride Month),


    • be the kid I never got around to being, and to be the kid that I was,


    • make the child across the aisle giggle.



When I can can, when I want to, I be silly and smile about it. Because holy shit, do we have a lot to frown about lately. So Imma dance a bit, draw hearts on my face, then get to work putting a spaceship together out of wreckage and stuff.


Or, you know, just because. No reason. Don’t think about it, Morty.


…


I’m still leaving a tip when I get sushi, though. You wrong for that one, Al.

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Once again, the logo for the series "My Love Story!!" has been edited poorly, this time to read "My Hysterectomy Story!!" The "Love" has been blacked out.
Seriously? This joke again?

A lot of folx have been asking me about the procedure, as well as what made me finalize my decision. I’ve written about the latter in detail already (and will link here), so I will focus on the day of. But in short, I decided to do this because of health issues, being childfree, gender affirmation, finally having the means, and timing. I finally have decent enough insurance (but even with insurance, it was over 5k USD!), and with our political climate and reproductive rights being threatened… I figured I better get this done while I still could.

So, after the cut, the details on how it went. Imagery of my insides included! Content warning for talking about surgery, body stuff, and graphic imagery.

Continue reading →

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I’ve talked about the so-called growing pains of moving to Mastodon, and everyone’s talked to death about the egomaniac now at the Twitter wheel. So let’s talk about Reddit.


A decade or so ago, I used Digg when Digg was good. I liked keeping in touch with the news and other interests, and occasionally contributing to a discussion with a comment. But then they shot themself in the foot and drove most of its users to Reddit, self included, and it fell into punch line and cautionary tale. And now, Reddit is getting greedy. “Digg-ing its own grave,” a lot of people are saying, because we’ve seen this before.


On top of wanting more ads in front of your eyeballs and nuking NSFW outside of their official app/site, they’ve jacked up the API pricing so much that it’ll effectively kill the 3rd party apps and tools some users depend on. In protest people have been leaving for other platforms, scheduling blackouts, and dragging Reddit in the media. They’ve done some boneheaded moves before, but that API brouhaha appears to be the last straw for a lot of people– self included. History really is repeating itself.


The changes take effect on July 1st, but then I thought– why wait? So I deleted the app.



I’ve taken this opportunity to step back and reconsider how I’ve been consuming media.


I realized how guilty I was of using Reddit as a portal for all my news, entertainment, and mindless doomscrolling (especially the latter). Like many others I used third party apps and uBlock Origin to make it usable. And it was… a timesink. A good one, if only in the sense that it was something to read when I was too lazy to do other things. “Good” in other aspects is highly debatable. In my case, I certainly wasn’t contributing positively to most threads; when I wasn’t lurking it was to say something pithy or to insult a jackass. Whether that was due to Reddit’s changing atmosphere or my growing jerkassness, that remains to be seen. (Probably both, to be honest). Good timesink or no, I could have been reading literally anything else instead of threads upon threads of whatever.


So I went further. Next on the chopping block was Pocket. While it was great for squirreling away articles and stories, I just haven’t used it in years– things now are pinned, “Read Later” in my RSS readers, clipped to Evernotes. (And speaking of that, I switched from Evernote to Joplin for more functionality in my free tier account.) My final switch was from Feedly to Feeder (dot co); I didn’t need that AI stuff and I really hated how basic the functionality of pulling RSS data from most websites was behind a paywall. To differentiate, I don’t mean the custom build choose-elements-to-pull kind– Feeder has that paywalled too. But Feeder has a much better time just pulling what I need, with the exception of the really weirdly-formatted sites.



But what about a Reddit replacement? Weirdly enough, I like reading and commenting on things! And sometimes, I even like reading and commenting on what other people have to say! You know, as long as it isn’t a toxic cesspool of scum and villainy and whatnot. I lasted about two days before I caved and looked into some alternatives. So I went back: to Digg, Fark, Slashdot, and Tildes. Those were just thrown into an RSS folder since I had no interest in creating accounts there.


But where was I going to get that sweet, sweet community commenting commotion? I appear to have landed on Kbin since, why not continue my Fediverse trend? It is currently slow with all the growth, but the user interface is nice. I’m finding my footing. I like it. For now.



So, how am I feeling?


Loads better. I feel more deliberate in my media consumption, not just scrolling for the sake of it. And it feels… nostalgic. It has a lot of the vibe of what I remembered the Internet to be. Of forums with all sorts of people in it, specifically. A part of me will always be searching for that magical time where everyone made their own weird lil websites on the Internet, sometimes coming together in communities for shooting the shit and camaraderie. No data mining or rampant capitalism. No bending over backwards to either appease or circumvent the Ad Infestations.


In other words, The Old Web (and this Thread: “What do you miss the most about the old Internet?”). For the younguns, you can also check out NeoCities and mmm.page for more of That Feeling. That is the gist of all I want to say about it.


So, I don’t think I’ll be returning to Reddit. But we’ll see where I end up afterwards.