This summarizes what I’ve been going through with Pink Pistols and a local gaming group. I sent this as a DM to a mod upon their request. Just read this or catch up with the previous entries, who cares, everything is terrible, 1312, can i just fuck off now
I should name some names, yolo and all that. Expect jokes and teeshirts about this, because you know we queers gotta kiki through the pain.
02/05
Remember a time when you forgave someone fully.
Forgiveness– is it the same as "just getting over it" or a conscious decision to move on? I feel like I do the former a lot.
I immediately thought of that one Vine with the person going "NEVER HAPPENED." I’m a grudge-holder, yo. And I may have forgiven you, but you damn well know that I’ll remember your fucking name, as the Scottish saying goes. It’d be easier to say I got over things. Eventually. I can’t think of a readily-available example of me forgiving someone, let alone FULLY.
Maybe something’ll come to me later. I keep getting lost in the nuance of my own making.
02/12
Remember a time when you spoiled yourself
I love having Me Dates. As in, I go on a date. By myself. It could be as low key or fancy as I please.
And one time I got really fancy. It was a place at random that I Googled "oysters," because of course I was craving those. And it was a new place, kinda swanky and upscale and asked if I had a reservation (I did not), so they seated me at the bar. I treated myself to oysters, shrimp scampi and a dessert with cinnamon ice cream while I started a new book.
I made a mental note to keep that place in my backpocket.
02/14
suggests I "put my dancing shoes on" regardless if I’m going out or not– and have a little dance party. I am OVERDUE for dancing to darkwave synthwave stuff. I never thought I’d like it as much as I do, but I’ve a partner that I love dancing with. And it’s fun! Well, I wiggle. But it counts.
And one time, I was pulled into a spontaneous dance one afternoon after putting on some Dorothy Ashby. That was fun.
And during a L.O.U.D. Twitch stream we did more wiggling then, too.
I think I’ll put on some ShyGirl.
02/28
What are some ways in which you surprised yourself, and maybe others, this month?
Bitch, please. If you didn’t see any of this coming it’s on you. (tone: cynical and generally speaking)
But seriously, I have to outsource this question. Looking back, I feel nothing out of the ordinary.
…
I may have made a new friend in an unlikely environment.
That’s pretty surprising, actually.
haven’t done an off-the-cuff post in a minute, lessgo
…
I’ve had shit luck when organizations and people claim to be apolitical. It’s either Just Unpleasant or there’s a jarring difference in opinion/morality. And I’ve added one more to that streak.
It’s the same as being neutral, isn’t it? To not "pick a side" or "make a stand"? And what is being apolitical if it is not neutral?
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality. Desmond Tutu
It was a rift with Pink Pistols and I ultimately could not overcome. So when I saw the promotion going on in another (apolitical) LGBTQ group, I had to say something.
This other "apolitical" organization silenced me by
And before those two things, a mod did say my my statement was Political and needed to go into the appropriate channel. Wasn’t thrilled (and to that I said "what the fuck?" but halted the convo from my end), but it was more of a server rule than a silencing tactic. Just not a good look, I suppose.
But what else can you expect? I brought up an important point and a valid request, but that doesn’t matter because I was
And you know what? Fine. I’ll own up to it. I’m a blunt abrasive mean cuntbitch who led their decorum out back and put it out of it’s fucking misery ten years ago. But that does not make my statements any less important. Y’all forgot that someone’s anger is part of the education. And this is a derailment tactic I am more than intimate with.
BIPOC expressing their concerns are always "starting trouble" about issues that "aren’t important."
Because protecting the reputation of an organization is more important than actually being a safe space for LGBTQIA and BIPOC people.
The Virgo in me can’t let this go:
Yes, that was the most I’ve said in that group for the four years I was in it.
And why was I an inactive member for so long? Because it was predominately white and made me, a BIPOC person, uncomfortable and I felt unwelcome, frankly. They also have been allowing LEOs as their security for 1-2 years now, which made my interest in attending events dip even lower. Maybe someday, I thought, I’ll go to one if I’m really bored or something, and that just never happened– or was never a priority because there were much better spaces I could visit. And it was one of the many, many Discord servers I don’t frequent, anyway. so that’s why i rarely went to any of your bitchass rgb-bootlicking events
Look into the things you want to join. Really look into them, and if you can’t find the answer, straight up ask them. Since their documentation and blog post doesn’t outright say "COPS ARE OKAY THOUGH," I assumed they weren’t. My bad. Don’t be like me, kids.
If someone or something is "apolitical," proceed with caution. Pink Pistols claims to be (to their credit, to maintain a "single issue" stance so as not to lose focus of their main goal), and it caused… this. (It certainly didn’t help, imo.)
And lastly, who keeps us safe? We keep us safe. Several servers are Going Through It right now since I started this cascade. And I’ve yet to see (m)any cisgender allies show up and get banned, muted, or silenced with the rest of us– the T in LGBT. (Not that I can confirm that or anything… I’m banned. 🙂 )
Whiteness is STUBBORN. Scroll back a bit for that one.
And remember your history, lest you’re doomed to repeat it.
…or some shit
For Mastodon to not only supersede Twitter but to thrive in its own merit, it needs to not only listen to the vulnerable among us, but implement changes for a better Internet culture. The tools have been there, and so have been their highlighted shortcomings.
Now what will they make of it?Background Radiation
I wrote that about two years ago. And how are things now? Well…
The racism still persists.
Suggested features to further community have been ignored.
Concerns are met with a "just fork it yourself if you don’t like it."
Member safety is still an afterthought.
Onboarding isn’t intuitive, explained, or convenient enough.
So when Twitter finally pissed off enough people for a more permanent mass exodus, they all flocked to BlueSky– which is just Twitter with the future promise of ActivityPub integration. And has the same pitfalls, too, if the Singal situation is any indication. Some people (read: techbros) were flabbergasted at this development. I may have been angry at people for staying on BlueSky (and I still think I brought up a good point), but I still wasn’t surprised, really.
Mastodon, frankly, has done Jack and Shit to earn new user trust since 2022. It is an elitist project so narrow in scope that it doesn’t have room for improvements or user-friendly anything. It’s a reputation justly earned, in my opinion.
I remembered why I left Mastodon for the first time (around 2016? 2017?): it was not welcoming. It was gross. It was so Overwhelmingly White, the biggest Black-owned instance received so much vitriol for just existing. I went back to Twitter because it was, at least, the poison my body grew used to. And all my peers were there, anyway. But it was still toxic to me. When Muskadoo bought and reshaped that platform in his own image, only then I considered giving the fediverse another go.
You can say I’ve been advocating for the IndieWeb every since. Or at least diversifying your platforms. But for the people I was nigh insufferable about, pestering to get on Mastodon, because we need off those fucking platforms[1], because we need better for ourselves, damn it…
sorry.
But I’ve since outgrown that because… it’s hard to convince people when the new option is basically the Same Ol’ Shit– if not worse. The few that looked into Mastodon did not like what they saw, or shortly abandoned their accounts. It was true in 2017 and it is true now. I haven’t stopped recommending it as an option, but with a lot of caveats, guidelines, and invites to Actually Decent Servers due to my experience on the platform. And I am a lot quieter about it. Because it still sucks.
But why am I still there?
Because I curated my Mastodon space. I made it mine. With work, I found an instance I was happy with (and seemed stable enough to not shut down to the whims of a tantrum-ing admin)– their values and moderation concerns aligned with my own. This particular instance is also a fork of the official project, so we circumvent more of the troubling aspects. With this culture of stability ("echo chamber," ROFL) I was able to better connect with strangers on a genuine level, no matter how casual, and I’ve found myself among people determined to make online spaces accessible and safer for everyone.
I also block. A lot. The Block Game is strong.
And I remember more vividly when I came back. I logged into my .xyz account, and two familiar faces were still fighting the good fight. It showed me at at least somebody was giving a fuck, and I could learn how to be better.
So I stayed.
It took me years to get this content (enough).
Ideally, it shouldn’t have to take that long.
they obviously care if they are even bringing it up. be more concerned when people are silent!something I’ve said, about something else
[1] I still stand by this, but it’s not going to be easy. We may have to go as far as build what we want. Let’s take it one step at a time.
I said I wasn’t gonna do this again.
But it doesn’t count if it’s unpolished.
It doesn’t count if the resources are right at the tip of my tongue.
But I think of these two groups I’m in, and how they are both failing me. Despite one’s best efforts, Redacted doesn’t want to bring their people into such an unwelcoming place. And the other, built from the ashes of something else, is faltering just like its predecessor because the lead lacks representation and different ways of seeing the world.
And a third, I fear, I would be deregulated to background noise because I frankly don’t have enough capital or experience.
How I, once again, just said "fuck it" and made my own space. It’s not giving up, yet it feels at odds with taking up space in these white spaces.
Maybe I should
just
stop
but i deserve to be there
so
i wont stop
https://oxford-review.com/the-oxford-review-dei-diversity-equity-and-inclusion-dictionary/double-consciousness-definition-and-explanation/
until
i do
So decipher this:
There is only one way to make your spaces diverse and welcoming enough for people of color to stick around.
It’s simple.
Make these spaces safe enough.
Have diverse admins, board members, friend groups.
Uplift the voices that aren’t yours.
Shoutout the places you know your PoC friends would be welcome. Boost their words. Highlight them. Don’t ignore them.
Listen. No platitudes, no explaining over, no compromising. No shuffling Everyone Else in a "QPOC" channel where anyone can shuffle in and make the space Unsafe.
Call that shit out. You see this shit?
Destroy it. Cast it into the fire. Stomp that shit out and don’t let it fester. Don’t be like Mastodon.
I see now, that I can be a lighthouse. If another Black person shows up, we can make eye contact and I can tell them they won’t be alone. I can point to where we can truly go. I’ve had decades of fly-in-milk experience, and I actually wouldn’t wish that on anyone despite being a vindictive monster. But still, I have to be there. And sometimes I am tired, because it is tiring.
Understand that I can’t always be there.
Understand that someone’ll be wary, even if I am there. Because I’ll be the only one.
Understand that there is a chance you’ll never see me again.
Quote Picard. Everyone loves to quote Picard.
But when I do reappear it will be demanding, aggressive: I am fucking here in spite of this. you will see me i am here too i deserve this too
And what else?
Educate yourself. Unpack your biases. Create the space you want to see.
Try. Keep trying. It’s ongoing, ever building. It is work to be anti-racist, and if you want to be safe enough, you will need to work for it.
And you still won’t be for everyone.
That’s all you can do.
…
But you want something more concrete, don’t you? Some stuff to read? Something to do?
The Token: Common Sense Ideas for Creating Diversity in Your Organization
…
who was this for?
me, mostly; as i grapple with double consciousness. express frustration. remind me of my resolve. what i can do. what i and others need, and provide it.
And I won’t be taking any questions.
In my scheduling I accidentally double-posted. So, if you haven’t checked it out yet, read my retrospective on LiveJournal after getting inspiration for your own cozy corner.
(Editor’s Note: If there is no image here, it’s because I played around with Roomtodo for far too long before wandering off…)
Did I find anything cool lately? Let’s see…
Found a new blog! I’ll link to it twice.
And if you didn’t know about this handy site already, there is https://archive.ph/! I’ll be linking that too.
Oh, hey, let’s talk about Proton! It’s another company I yeeted into the trash! They were on thin ice when they started doing their own LLM-Not-AI-Actually nonsense, then a cryptocurrency wallet, and then, just in time for me to intercept my annual subscription renewal…
Hugely disappointing to see Andy Yen (Proton CEO) tout the Republican Party as the ones “standing up for the little guys” 🤢@jonah@neat.computer
Here is an archived Mastodon thread, and for dessert here’s Reddit raking him over the coals. Forget the lack of surprise; I can’t bring myself to be disappointed. But I’m still annoyed because I just recommended Protonmail to someone.
So there’s another OOPS, in my opinion: don’t tie your entire workload into the same suite. It is convenient (just ask Google), but then I found myself having to scramble for five different alternatives at the same time. If I used their Docs feature (?) in any capacity, it would’ve been six.
But, you know, I collect links and programs like some sort of digital hedgehog-dragon, because it’s always great to have options. On top of manual backups, I can export and import most things. I’ve uninstalled everything Proton-related and in the process of spinning down the Mail portion.
And in case someone wants to know, since they’re also looking. I’ve currently settled on
And nah, what I went with certainly aren’t endorsements. And I could be terribly, terribly wrong about any of these.
OK, gwan, git. Read about LiveJournal and if you’re old enough and been there, reminisce with me. And don’t judge me for going back to Google Calendar.
So, on January 1st of this year, I finally deleted Facebook. (Full disclosure, the other one is "deactivated" to keep the Messenger channel open for someone I’ve been trying to contact, but it is as good as deleted otherwise.) I was going to wait a month to see how I felt, but this seems like a good time as any.
I feel pretty good, overall. Especially with headlines like "Facebook Embraces Donald Trump" and "Mark Zuckerberg and Meta Are Finding New Ways to Kiss Trump’s Ass."
I no longer have a nagging feeling about checking feeds or messages– because they aren’t there. I’m less likely to doomscroll (or have quality doomscrolling with GroundNews). I’ve been pushed into actually using the other social media sites I’m already on, and found myself engaging a little more than passively sharing or quickly emoji reacting.
Also? FB made me lazy about keeping in touch. Why ask, if I could just check their page right quick? Or, I’d friend someone, and that’d be the end of our interaction and we’d see each other, probably, and assume we’ll always be there. But now if I want to know how someone is doing, I need to reach out!
The withdrawal symptoms have yet to set in, but I’m still expecting them. Despite my bitching I did stay on the platform. I suspect the one-foot-already-out-the-door mood I curated is helping with that. But grrl. Those dopamine hits are real.
I also feel a bit bittersweet.
I did make and bump my flounce-y post, but it gained little interaction. I sent messages to people I’d love to keep in touch with, and most were unanswered. Overall, I can count on one hand the number of people who asked where I was going. That didn’t feel great… it made me feel like I think far more about other people than the other way around. On the other hand… People had ample time to keep in touch with me– I’ve been threatening to leave Facebook for years. Most just never asked. Others were acquaintances or friends-of-friends, and I doubt I’d be terribly missed to them. And some people just… grew away from me.
Facebook made me forget about that fact of life. That prevented me from spamming my entire friend list of about 150 people. If it was meant to be something, I wouldn’t be wondering if I should throw my Links-in-Bio at them.
I should mention that there are some things I do miss: the rare trifecta of awesomeness support group, the OGs of a defunct group, and shitposting (needling) fellow hashers. But that isn’t enough to undelete. Those were the only groups I was real invested in beyond the "scroll to be amused" ones (Which reminds me, where’s Simpsons BortPosting? I’m sure I can find another hose of that particular content somewhere else).
To quote a coworker I used to work with, in all her wisdom:
It is what it is. Mrs. Cynth
During a party, I was using my eReader (yes, I’m that bitch). As predicted, a few people came up to ask me what I was reading, what I liked to read, and what they were currently into when they’re not being bookish at potlucks. I even traded StoryGraph links with someone! So that felt extra special, because it wasn’t obligatory, superficial Facebook.
Memes aside, I’ll be okay in the end.
This is what happens when you have a banger of an earworm in your head, insomnia, and you’re mad about something. So here is my parody to the tune of Chappell Roan’s "Good Luck, Babe!" Shoutout to the rhyming dictionary and a thesaurus, couldn’t have done this without you.
Resigned, abused
Community Standards insist I’m still unbruised
My data, misused
With Bortposting, cats, and celebs keeping me amused
I cannot just up and leave
How I’m gonna spam these memes?
I’m gonna stave off FOMO with passive scrolling
Chorus:
You can cuss out bigots every hour
Install plugins and adblock, use a dummy email
You can state a fact or just defend yourself
AI moderators throw you in FB Jail
Delete, babe! (Delete!)
Just delete, babe! (Delete it!)
You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling
Delete, babe! (Delete!)
Just delete, babe! (Delete it!)
You gotta gray your name to return to meaning
Who gives, a fuck?
Everything is there though viewing what you want takes luck
We are trapped, with this muck
This shit don’t help my depression, but our support network is stuck
Think I’ll finally just leave
Even though I’ll miss those memes
I just want true connection and stop this scrolling
(Chorus)
When you stay up with your phone through the hours of the night
With that glare in your eyes: cop blue with pound-six-F whites
And when you think about my sites, web two point oh
You flounder while I code, "I told you so"
I gave links to elsewhere, I told you so
I hate repeating myself, but: I told you so!
(Chorus)
You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling
You gotta gray your name to return to meaning
You gotta gray your name to restore the feeling
Typically I’d schedule things for Thursday, but… it’s New Years! I’ve had some time to reflect.
Daily Breakdowns are listed on the official KuchuQwanzaa website.
I keep in my heart the person that passed away earlier this (last) year. They were so bright and radiant for others and our community. I remember their words, their presence in the teahouse as they bathed the rooms with sound. I remember their smile.
I drink a glass of chilled mint water in contemplative silence.
When it is warmer, I will stroll along the greenway later today.
Same as it ever was– eat more veggies, work out more. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m just feeling Down at the moment, but I feel like I haven’t improved much. I’ve still my health issues, but… I did trek up and down a few mountains in Costa Rica (exaggerating for effect) and felt winded, but good. I even climbed a tree! I can be proud of that.
Today, I’d like to take another walk. Or have a nice (but healthy!) snack after trying out a class that you can work out with a stick. Or some pilates. And stretches.
But the most important thing for me is rest and read. If that is all I end up doing, that is okay.
Also: join my local queer-owned gym and start taking classes, for camaraderie, accountability– and to support a queer Black-owned business!
I have a Discord group that is currently observing KuchuQwanzaa as a server-wide group event.
I’ve been getting back in contact with extended family members; we’re bad at keeping touch (mostly me, to be fair). But since Facebook is getting yeeted I need to put in more effort. And lemme call my cousin!
At Pride this year, there was a booth with some information about Pauli Murray. I will read some of her poetry today, from Dark Testament and Other Poems.
At the Harvey B. Gantt museum, I participated in some Kwanzaa celebrations for Ujima. There was dancing, discussion, art– and community.There was acknowledgment of all of our different paths, and the need to support each other: intersectionality.
In between events I roamed the art exhibits and saw the work of one Darryl Deangelo Terrell, who was "exploring queerness and desire by way of a ‘fat Black femme non-binary alter-ego’ named Dion," along with wanting ourselves released from the white gaze.
Still on the whole Old Web / Web 2.0 / IndieWeb thing, so I’m definitely looking into server administration– I’m rusty. Once I complete a project or two I may tackle a sort of forum adminning. Or something like Instagram.
But how would I want to grow in 2025? Perhaps I can be better at helping people, and be more involved.
I’ve also got a bee in my bonnet about self-defense. The first weekend of 2025 I will have my first shooting lesson in a long while. I also plan to take additional classes with my friends and partners. And lastly, I got a nice solid wooden walking stick that I can do some Cane-Fu with.
WIZARD: Keeper of knowledge. It’s critical that you protect our histories and use that information to not only educate others but fight against aggressors with wisdom.Tawny Fritz
I found myself in this role, post-election. Whether it’s online spaces, resources, or communication lines– I aim to archive everything that I can while being involved with our queer community.
The official site also suggests that I take the day off work in honor of this principle, and it just so happens that I am at home– I’m not on the inventory team at work. Lovely!
You know what…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYlHuaTMWIQ
On a more serious note, I have been greatly enjoying Kelela, Tyla, and Lil Nas X.Tyla’s "Water," especially, has been really popular for drag performances. And I saw Janelle Monae live in Raleigh earlier this year! It was so powerful to witness their I Stand With You speech, and I greatly appreciate their visibility as a non-binary person. And how am I just now discovering Doechii?!
For other creative feats, I really need to further establish my VTubing. I fell to the wayside near the end of the year and dropped my schedule. What is my angle going to be? Do I need a simpler model? What lore can I work on? I will take January off to figure that out, and resume streaming again just in time for Black History Month. Representation matters. Fortunately, I have been bumping around The Melanin Mafia so at least I have a solid support group.
I signed up for Get Your Words Out again, this year. I crushed the Habit goal of at 195 Days! But this time around I’m going for the number of words. Let’s see how that shakes out! There are a ton of blogging and writing challenges out there, so I can’t say I’d be bored. And… you know… all those WIPs…
The Call to Action because my ass ain’t goin’ nowhere. What else can I really say?
But remember. We will have each other. Remember mutual aid, community, helping one another.
And with that, here is the new year. Strap the fuck in because shit’s gonna be wild AF.
Fuck every one of you who voted for him.
Fuck the system for not being broken, but working just as intended.
To the Queers, the Black and Brown People, The Poor, The Disabled, The Marginalized, and anyone else terrified and angry and numb and everything else:
I know you’re scared right now. I am, too. And I’m feeling despair right along with you.
It is long past to be trying to change people’s minds. The numbers have made it abundantly clear we can’t olive branch ourselves out of this one.
Use your energy to lift up those that will lift you up.
Don’t feel bad if you can’t fight. We need warriors. Healers. Tanks.
But most importantly, we need you to survive.
Even better, join those that have been organized.
But it’s okay if all you can do is keep living.
They want you to die, or they don’t care.
Don’t let them take you.
Every so often there is invoked a Blood of Eden mission protocol – we call it Protocol One. It is used in times of either terrible joy or the worst possible outcomes. Protocol One means there are no more formal orders… Now I give you Protocol One . . . and Protocol One is ‘Live.’ Nona the Ninth
For those applicable, enjoy your lil victory lap and be sure to get your stretches in. The lot of us are going to give you hell.
I’m going to do what I can. I am going to live for those that didn’t make it. I will live and fight my sorrow. I hope to see you beside me.
Now to survey what is left.
