Tag: relationships

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Last night I was curled up in the couch corner for some quality reading time. My nesting partner came in from the cold, did his thing, and settled down not far from me to do some studying of his own. He put on Lo-Fi HipHop Beats to Study To, because that is how we roll around here.

We just vibed, enjoying each other’s company while doing our own thing. One of us would make a sound (him grumbling over Theory, me losing my shit reading Wind and Truth). Depending on how engrossed we were, we’d even respond to said sounds.

Living together. Existing together.

Eventually I hunkered down for a nap as the sun set, giving him one last look before I disappeared into the blanket nest to continue reading till I fell asleep.

"Hey! I love you!"

(a few seconds as it registers) "Oh! Love you too."

I thought to myself, "Oh, this is probably how Princess Carolyn felt." Content, assured in love, and is able to… get right back to work. Because she knows and feels it so deeply it can be summed up with a smile and a "Mm." And when we’re done with whatever we’re doing, we’ll be there for each other.

Judah playing the guitar for Princess Carolyn.
OH MY GLOB HE EVEN HAS A GUITAR TOO

I was also given a handmade zine from him that articulated this feeling better than I could. I keep it in my headboard; it’s good to have something tangible to remind you of the sorta-intangible at times.

So I nodded off with a smile on my face.

The cover of a Zine. On the top is a blue stamp of a vine. There is also a red hedgehog cutout and a pink glitterly smiling heart on the right of the cover. Title, For the Hedgie, is written on the bottom in his all-caps handwriting.

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Everyone has their The One That Got Away story.

I’m no exception.

Let’s call her Sally.

We met in college and became friends. We were a close-knit group, most of us in the same field of study. We both liked anime and hanging out on the Internet.

I had a crush on her. But the crushing-on is what happens an awful lot with my friends, so I kept it to myself. I always end up having crushes on my closest friends. Nothing new.

I came out as bisexual (pansexual) with my first girlfriend, long-distance. It was… fine. But the crush in my friend never abated like it was "supposed" to. And when we broke up, I felt relieved and free to pursue this crush.

Except I never did.

We were thick as thieves by then, and I always stopped myself. Through all the friend dates, late nights, misadventures, and super deep personal conversations– I cut myself short. Because we were FRIENDS, I was terrified of ruining the FRIENDSHIP. Even after a drunken night at another friend’s, confessing that I still had feelings before promptly blacking out, I kept that to myself.

[truncated]

… most of today’s entry is too raw to post. In short: I had a friend, I crushed hard, never pursued in fear of "ruining the friendship," and that is one of my biggest regrets.

I went to her wedding. She was beautiful. I watched her tie the knot to another man I couldn’t bring myself to hate.

And you wanna know what’s fucking tragic?

She always wanted to ask me out. Despite me saying boneheaded Baby’s First Closet Outing Foot-in-Mouth disease shit, she actually wanted more, at some point. Because she wondered if she was queer, too. Until her mom beat the thought out of her.

I was never told this until years after the wedding by a mutual friend. I was furious at him for never saying anything. Didn’t he see we were both crippling shy people who couldn’t take a hint if it bit them on the ass? But I can’t be too mad; he was probably sworn to secrecy. Just as I demanded that he don’t say a damn word to nobody once I recovered from blacking out at his house.

Last week, I uttered these words of wisdom when someone asked me for advice: "If your friendship breaks because one of you caught feelings, was the friendship ever strong enough to begin with?"

With Sally, I’ll never know.

And that is the most painful thing.