Tag: dating

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I’m the embodiment of this old vine: I am COMPLETELY GIVING UP.

It’s official. I’m capital D Done with online dating.

Sure, I’ve reduced my apps, but I was still feeling frustrated and convinced that I fucking suck. And on top of that, there’s dealing with the usual pitfalls of online dating like People (Mostly Men) Not Reading My Profile, One-Word Convos, and Weirdos in the Inbox– especially the ones that can’t seem to get my pronouns right. And then there’s all the things outside of my control like algorithms and paywalls.

I know it ain’t me… Mostly. I’m not perfect. Shit, maybe it is. I’m convinced that I’m not just cut out for online dating. Maybe I don’t have the extroverted personality for it. Maybe I am hideous and off-putting. The back of my brain is going what’s wrong with me?! Am I too something, and/or not enough something else?

It’s too fucking much.

It’s a gut punch when you have a great rapport with someone, and they just… stop. Out of all my dates and conversations, only one person had the decency to just send a text stating that she wasn’t feeling it. Everyone else never got back to me.

I get Ghosted.

The latest person to do so was someone I’ve been seeing for half a year. And it hurts extra because we bonded over our mutual dislike for getting ghosted on– and I still got done like that anyway. No closure, no reason, nothing.

Few things feel shittier than that. Something must be wrong with me. And that’s when I decided to throw in the towel.

And you know the wild thing about this? I’ve actually had successful dates. And each one was with a person who I was already interacting with in meatspace. So, fuck it: I’ll just stick to doin’ it Old School. My introverted socially anxious homebody ass will stumble through and figure it out. And if it is "just me"? Then I’ll work on myself. I should be doing that regardless.

For real.

I mean it.

I am done with the dating apps.

…

Until I’m bored. OKCupid still has all those fucking questions I haven’t answered.

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But seriously, I’ve been riding that high since I saw her in concert.


…maybe I should write about that. Meanwhile, a poem.


floating, almost


I want to feel that again,
The wonderful ache in my heart
To mirror floating through water
Into a dream of not-home-anymore
But you are there
Loading the car, because
I’m just dreaming.
Fantasy and reality collide here:
The sky is a meteor shower.
The grass bends into waves.
The house, odd angles, and comes in threes.
We’re characters who loved each other and will again,
Once I write 100 words
For each of the myriad orbits
In flying, or string ensemble, or sinking.
So reach for me while you’re dreaming,
Remember the last time we fell together,
Kissing away nightmares
And content with this magic,
Almost floating like she does.

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Caution, here; go slower than

A candle melting down

Unless you seek

Something other than what you need,

Tired eyes closed– rest, then

I recommend you go by feel.

Caress what skin you’ll find.


Why are you in my dreams?

Other bodies, too busy

Running out of reach I feel I’m

Running out of time.

Inside my room

Evening blurs and I can’t remember how

Scarred the finger-trails made us.


Come closer,

Obey what soft commands are left.

See how I’ve stopped running with

My heart out of breath.

I held to an implosion and

Caused a universe to freeze.


Closer, dawn breaks

After another midnight.

Released are the stars and the words

Embark on frozen journeys–

Slowest thawing.

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So I have a funny story.


Years and years ago– in the Before Times– I matched with someone on Hinge. We had a good chat. But I declined to progress further because I would have had to move to a voice memo service. “Who wants to install an app just to talk to one person?” I thought; “Besides, I am a texter. Also my phone only has 20 gigs and no space.” So that was the end of that.


Or was it?


Several years later– after the Before Times and solidly in the Current Times– I was trying out Yet Another Online Dating Thing: Facebook Dating. I matched with a few people, but most fizzled out. I did manage to at least trade phone numbers with another non-binary person and… I matched with this someone again. It wasn’t too much of a coincidence; we were both on Facebook and even in the same groups. But, eventually, that fizzled out too. So that was the end of that, right?


You know how I love doing things in threes; you know it isn’t.


Becoming exceedingly frustrated, I was taking my mind off the swiping and was (re)answering questions on OKCupid.[1] I even updated my profile a little bit. Then the boredom kicked in and I caught myself swiping. And there was that Someone in just a few swipes! For dramatic effect, let’s pretend that this didn’t happen over several days of bored swiping.


That’s it, I thought. One Time is Coincidence and Twice is a Pattern, potentially. Three times? I don’t know, but this is the point where I’m curious and brave enough to find out.


So I sent the first message. “We just keep running into each other, huh?” Or something worded to that effect; I am recalling from memory. I even mentioned our very first conversation together because– guess what, I even use their preferred service now![2] And despite a few hiccups in initial communication– from us not quite going the same speed on things, to me getting Pandemic’d— it appears to not be the end! We had one date at a coffeehouse, and we’ve been talking where we can, and we do have plans to hang out again once our lives settle down a bit more.


While there was the usual frustrations of online dating, I really had to sit with myself for a minute. I have a feeling my polysaturation[3] point is near. While in the process of scheduling another date (at this time of writing), I’m still riding off the fuzzy feelings of a very recent Cuddle Date on a potential partner’s couch. Between that, and making time for my current partners, and ensuring that I have enough Introvert Downtime to remain functioning– it’s becoming a lot.


So, the apps have been uninstalled and most profiles deactivated. Google Calendar, however, is getting a workout.


—


[1] In short, OKC is the one I keep coming back to. It allows me to filter out straight people (no offense, but full offense; y’all stress me out) and monogamous people (I’m doing y’all a favor; trust me). Also all those questions and percentages to gauge how you may jive with someone (just be sure to not depend solely on it).


[2] While I’m still primarily a texter, I’ve softened up considerably about voice memos. Quite a few of my people prefer them so I try to meet their needs. Voice memos are sometimes more convenient– and can be fun, too!


[3] Polysaturation is defined here as “the state in which a person doesn’t want or need more relationships than they currently have.” While polysaturation can be “satisfying or exhausting,” I’m feeling pretty content with my current setup. I’m also slowing my roll before it becomes exhausting for everyone involved.

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NOTE: I’ll just go ahead and schedule this one for tomorrow. This is the stuff y’all really care about, right?! 😉 Happy New Year.

Yep. Make that dating apps. But over this weekend by the time entry is posted, I’ll be reducing said apps to two.

I realize that I am trying too hard.

I also realize that dating apps probably just aren’t for me. The few connections I made were with people I already knew (or, in a few cases, I met a good few years ago). Perhaps I have astronomically bad luck at meeting new people online, but I’ve the conclusion that I should just stick to the circles I’m already in. And if I do branch out, put a lot more emphasis on doing that in meatspace.

But here’s the part y’all really care about: what apps did I actually use?

OKCupid is the classic, the oldest, and my most verbose. I put a lot of work into my essays and 200 questions answered. And there’s so many memories associated with it. Few of them good… I’ve received some weird messages back in ’09.

The second most popular app is Tinder, which I got banned from before I got a really good feel for it. But from what I hear (and by that I mean look over a partner’s shoulder and offer peanut-gallery-style snark), I’m actually not missing much other than FOMO. The Swipe High is real, y’all. So let’s go to the alternatives I was mostly on instead:

The first kinder, gentler Tinder everyone thinks of is Bumble. There’s different modes between dating, friendship, and business; women can "make the first move" by sending the initial message. And there’s bee themes. Cute! And then there’s Hinge: An even kinder, gentler Tinder with a relaxing font and rounded corners where you directly comment on a photo or writing prompt to start a conversation. That’s a good gimmick if you’re like me and always struggling with an opener. HER, however, will still have to be my favorite of these swipe-y apps. Yes, it’s that Lesbian Dating App you may have heard about. My second-oldest account is on HER when I wasn’t content with just hiding straight people (ok, straight men mostly) from my OKC profile. I’ve found it welcoming to transgender and gender-nonconforming folx.

While we’re on the topic of queer-focused apps, I’m thinking of Qutie: I suddenly remembered this existed. Think OKCupid, but for LGBTQ cuties. It’s a weird cross between OKC and Tinder-Swipeness. It couldn’t hold my attention long enough to really use it, though. I’ll try it again if I’m super bored.

A tool tip with different gender options: Male, Female, and non-binary. Two big red arrows also point to the text "You may check more than one box."

 

While OKC has come a long way to supporting non-monogamous relationships, but I’m always keeping an eye out for other ones that cater specifically to non-mono people, for that’ll be one less hurdle to deal with. ("hashtag-Open") is one of the few dating apps specifically geared to non-monogamous people; there’s even a "pair" profile option for couples looking for a third. And I am so proud of them for doing this one little thing: THE GENDER OPTIONS ARE NOT BINARIST. I believe it defeats the purpose of having an extensive list of gender identities to choose from, but in the end it’s still funneled between only two binary choices: man or woman. So, kudos to for not doing that!

But, it’s a ghost town. I guess we’re out here being polysaturated or putting our phones down in order to be present in the moment. 😉

And meanwhile, I wish Feeld had more traction; it’s geared for the more casual sex/swinger/hookup crowd and sometimes you’re just in the mood for that sorta thing. (Also potential kinky playdate shenanigans within the "Interests" and "Looking For" fields.) I didn’t have to be coy or polite and beat around the bush– "you know why we’re here"– but… I don’t think I have the gumption to pull off the whole hookup/swinger thing. On top of clashing with most swing culture (note to self, that’s a whole other post?), I find myself having conversations about tea and chiptunes instead of angling to get in someone’s pants. (But that still doesn’t stop me from browsing in the middle of the night…)

I’m weirdly loathe to actually delete my accounts, since I put so much work in them! But I uninstalled. All that remains is OKC, HER, and… Feeld. I was holding out for Hinge, but I believe the other party I was talking scifi with has figuratively left the building. Shit happens.

But it still feels pretty good, to not be weighted down by so many apps.

…

…Is there a dating app geared specifically for weird awkward nerds such as myself?

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A schedule slip! It happens. I’m extra proud of myself for sticking with it for that long. Besides, I’m still cringing in embarrassment about other things.


I make it a point to tell dates and potential dates (at least) three things: I’m polyamorous, I’m non-binary/agender/NA using they/them/themselves, and I’m absolutely fucking clueless when someone is into me (so please tell me outright, as unsexy or unromantic as that sounds). And I don’t mean that in an endearing Manic-Pixie-Dream-Girl (ick) kind of way. I cannot think of a strong enough word for it at the moment, but I’ll just say that it’s… not endearing.


So imagine the scene: you’re sitting at a cozy table and you’re watching the stage. Or, you would be, if you weren’t distracted by actually wanting to talk to somebody. They seem really cool, and you notice your bodies are actually touching as you sit, and your heart stops a little when they reach for your hand and compliment it. And hold it for longer than deemed socially acceptable in anything but a romantic situation. Conversation is easy-flowing. It was nice.


It wasn’t until hours later that I was tipped off that their interaction wasn’t just platonic. In our text conversation they asked me point-blank:


“Were you aware that I was flirting with you?”


I replay that night in my head and I remember all of my dismissals:


  • They’re just being polite.
  • Well, this booth is pretty small… not much space, anyway.
  • I get a lot of compliments on my tiny hands, cool!
  • Oh, they’re just being oversharey. Some folks are like that.
  • Are they…? Nah. Who would be into me, anyway?
  • No way.
  • They’re just being sociable.
  • I’m three beers in; I shouldn’t read too much into these interactions.
  • Nah.
  • They’re
  • just
  • being
  • friendly.


There’s my lack of self-esteem, yes; you become the punchline of too many “s/he likes you!” bullying jokes in middle school and you initially distrust anyone showing interest in you. And generally, I get down on myself a lot.


An image of a bee sitting on a windowsill.
“I dunno man, what if my knees aren’t that great?” (Probable Source)


But I’d rather point out the main difficulty I have with most flirting: if it isn’t overt, I just don’t get it. And even then…


A lot of it is just hinting– and since I haven’t memorized the dating playbook (and most social cues outside of dating, if I’m really honest…), I’m caught in a loop of ambiguity. I also never want to be That Person that mistakes a friendly interaction as flirting, so I err on the side of caution and dismiss it.


So of course to the aforementioned text I responded rather un-eloquently:


“NO I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE FLIRTING I AM A DINGUS”


I’ve grown a little better in telling when they’re flirting with me now, and they know now just to rip off the bandaid (?) when it comes to that sorta thing.


So there you go.


That’s why I’m a dingus.

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It’s actually more boring than it sounds. I didn’t get lewd and I didn’t piss off thin-skinned misogynists.


I’m back on dating apps; I figured it’d give me an edge in addition to doing things The Old Fashioned Way– and because some days, my introverted little heart just wants to stay in bed and browse the Internet. I’ve also decided to branch out beyond OKCupid, since I wasn’t getting much headway there.


Four other apps later, I finally got on Tinder. Why the heck not? All the cool kids are on it, right?


And for a while, I had a blast. I had five conversations going. I swiped left on too many couples. I thought I’d get creative and link to unicorns-r-us.com before they got their feelings hurt trying to match with me. I educated someone about the whole non-binary thing. I had a brilliantly-worded explanation on how exactly I practiced polyamory and what I was looking for.


Within hours I was Error 40303‘d: banned. At first, I couldn’t fathom as to why I was banned! I’m cute! I was polite! I was upfront with my polyamory! Did I annoy too many Unicorn Hunters by not being so easy? Were people so hooked on serial monogamy that I was mass reported for being a non-mono hussy? Did I not send enough peach emojis? Did my Safe For Work muffin joke really not go over well?


No, I just forgot that spam was not allowed and any “.com” addresses on your profile is considered as such!


OKCupid has utterly spoiled me. (I have not one, but three links explaining why a certain subset of non-monogamy grinds my gears. But that is a whole other post.)


I was fine for a few days, even though I put in a lot of work into my profile, and I left my five conversations forever orphaned. I’m too slow on moving the conversation to other platforms, so unless they recognize me elsewhere I’ll never know how they would’ve meshed with me.


Then FOMO hit me. FOMO is “Fear of Missing Out,” because of what I said earlier: all the cool kids are on Tinder! Who am I not hooking up with or having a coffee date with or bonding over Mario Kart with right now because I’m not on Tinder?! I swear, I was fine, until my friend came across Someone We Are Mutually Interested In who seems super fucking cool and they sent a Super Like and that’s it, I’ve had it, let me back in!


So, in short, I ban evaded. And I will tell you that I did my homework only after the fact– while I did manage to get back on, there were indicators that I was suffering a worse fate: The Shadowban. No one can see you or your likes. Messages mysteriously don’t send. You don’t get the shiny gold circle thing going on. And it’s likely you’re on borrowed time before you’re just banned again if you didn’t jump through all the hoops to make sure Tinder servers didn’t recognize you.


And that included obtaining a new phone.


That was when I looked up from my old budget phone after three hours of Googling ban workarounds and browsing a certain subreddit dedicated to having the best profiles and more ban workarounds and deep analysis of how it all works and “why am I getting ugly chicks?” and I thought


What the hell am I doing?


In my moment of clarity, I realized I was doing the meatspace equivalent to “trying too hard.” I was caring way too damn much about a dating app. Especially for an app I only used until very recently. I got caught up in the swiping game, spending hours on this issue when I could have been doing literally anything else.


Like going back to bed.


Or playing Minecraft.


I’m taking this experience as my cue to go chill out. I was fine without it before and gosh darn it, people like me! I’ll just run into them at my favorite bar. We are not going to mention the five other apps still on my phone.


I deleted my second account and uninstalled the app. There’s a whole moral here about unplugging and Swipe Culture but whatever, I was invited to the cookout anyway.


All the cool kids are also elsewhere.