Ship Carefully

I was packaged well enough, all things considered. Probably. The one crack had already been accounted for. --The obvious parallel here is that I have therapy, medications, and a toolbox of coping mechanisms for my chronic illnesses and mental health (including getting long in the tooth, I suppose).

And then, well, something catastrophic happened that has me completely shattered in brittle plastic pieces and barely holding together. And there's no way to put this metaphor lightly. If it was less dire and did not require a trigger warning, it would be a comedic beat of juxtaposition.

This isn't YouTube and I don't really give a shit about monetizing this, so I don't have to say "SA'd." I can say the whole phrase with my fucking chest. There's no beating around the bush, and I dislike mincing words:

I was sexually assaulted.

While I'm reminded of the five stages of grief, it hadn't been quite the 1:1 transcription. I was already depressed (stage 4); now I am alarmingly more so (I'm in therapy, thank you). Acceptance is usually the final stage, but here... I find it to be the first. Denial was the second, instead (it is usually the first). But no matter how I tried to word it, or minimize, no matter how many "we can work on this"'s...

And there's been a slow burning anger through all of this, Stage whatever-the-fuck. I'm mad that I'm in this situation. I'm mad that things'll have to change, not just improve– change. Things will never be the same and it's not my doing, not my fault. And I'm mad that I'm now seen as

this

and I'm angry that I feel unworthy of joy, of just living, that I am not seen as an individual anymore. I'm now this thing that happened to me.

I'm mad that my life feels fucking ruined, despite most of it still moving on as it always does. Comics still need to be picked up. Dishes still need to be done, and dinner planned, and a shared home to go to.

How dare the fucking world keeps revolving while mine is in shards contained in a laptop case?

But the one stage I couldn't seem to square up with... is bargaining (Stage what? 3?). Because what the fuck is there to bargain for? Is there anything worth bargaining for if I'm just going to be another mistake, another wake up call? Maybe I can throw that away. What good did bargaining do for anyone, anyway?

There is not a day or night that a doe offers her life for her kittens, or some honest captain of Owsla, his life for his chief. But there is no bargain. What is, is what must be.

(Watership Down)

So.

I've rewritten this entry at least five times.

I'm fucking tired.

What the fuck do I do now?

Hey.

You should look at that video I linked to earlier. It's pretty cool. The channel is pretty cool too.

No, I'm serious. Have a palate cleanser.

Especially toward like, the end, I think. And already people are thinking of 3D printing replacement parts or other ways to restore the wrecked sunovabitch.

And

lookit that, the damn thing still boots and types.

Pretend I had it in me to end this entry on that positive note.

Because I just want to be happy, damn it.