PLAY D:\ahwcats.exe

> WELCOME TO ALBIHOME: WITH CATS EDITION. Probably likely a Copyleft sitch. All rights reserved.

> The YZ-CAT UPDATE has been installed.

> NOTICE: The current audio driver version is below the recommendation level. You may experience low volume and corrupted audio.

>> OK

...

[BREAK]

And that's where I'll end the thing, because I couldn't quite make it work for me.

I was inspired by Sightless Scribbles' PurrParadox.exe.

I talk about this cat I live with, too. I wrote some stuff about him. I went way overboard trying to do the text adventure thing (somehow my entire morning routine went into it), and then somewhere along the way I lost sight of what I wanted to do.

Who I wanted to talk about, was OLD MAN CAT:

Someone is perched right at the top of the stairs. It is a strategic spot within sight of all doorways in addition to the stairwell. This someone is a white cat you affectionately call OLD MAN CAT because he has almost two decades of dealing with HUMAN BULLSHIT under his belt. You two have a lot of common, like yelling and sleeping.

We also have trouble hearing things. However, Old Man Cat is completely deaf while I have cases of what I call "audio static" sometimes,.

I was able to hear him one morning as he followed me down the stairs, long nails clacking on the floor. I turned around, expecting CAVE CAT, but it was him instead! It's rare to see him that early up and about.

He offers a YELL. It is the same loud YELL he always does, and it could mean a variety of things due to context. Due to his deafness, there is no such thing as a quiet meow coming from this OLD MAN CAT, but you find it endearing. It's a boon, too, because you can even hear him when you're afflicted with the BAD AUDIO PROCESSING debuff.

And I love that yell.

I yell back sometimes too, down to the little womf he has at the end sometimes. And seeing him making his yelling demands, I thought of Robert's story: We assert our presence in different ways, and for accessibility we have to get creative with it.

Echo collides.

OLD MAN CAT YELLS.

And I... well, do nothing as grand as that. And I'm not a cat (I am a hedgehog).

I just remind people to add alt text, image descriptions, and transcriptions on their social media in varying degrees of tone, depending on my mood.

Which, by the way, fucking do that, please.

I'll do some YELLing online, I suppose.

Y'all making me tap the sign. I am going to start being mean about it.

With that outta the way I'll indulge with a little text adventure exercise... in picking up a cat.

[RESUME]

OLD MAN CAT is nearby curled up in a perfect sleepy ball. As you walk over to pester him, you try not to sneak up on him. You run your hand along the couch cushion, giving it taps you hope are hard enough for him to feel.

>> ROLL D20

You rolled a number below 12 so it doesn't work. At all. You startle him the moment you shove your hand into the middle where all his paws were residing.

He jumps. Fortunately, he's not vindictive. Anymore. Back in his 90s Anime Era he'd bite your arm off or something. Don't let him watch Trigun.

>> APOLOGIZE

You sign "Sorry" with a beginner's shakiness. You also give him pets and scritches to bolster said apology.

OLD MAN CAT appreciates the effort.

>> PICK UP OLD MAN CAT

Your AGL and CONS stats are too low at this time to attempt this. He also has the "Not in Prime Cat-Picking-Up Position" defense. Besides, you did just scare the daylights of him; give him a break.

CAVE CAT emerges from her BLANKET CAVE, curious, within reach, and much easier to PICK UP.

>> PICK UP CAVE CAT

CAVE CAT is more tolerant of your HUMAN BULLSHIT. She sees your grabby hands approach and resigns herself to her fate. You pick her up, and she gives a SILENT MEOW IN PROTEST. She is soft, and is full of purrs, despite her face being NOT AMUSED.

>> SNUG CAVE CAT

You give CAVE CAT a little squeeze. She purrs a little louder, an indication that her patience is already wearing thin. She doesn't try to escape yet.

>> NUZZLE CAVE CAT

You put your nose on top of her widdle CAT SKULL and just go to town, making cutesy noises or something. You're pushing it.

>> TOUCH CAVE CAT TUMMY

Kitty tummies are a rarity, and fortunately CAVE CAT doesn't mind getting her tummy rubbed. In fact, she loves them! But she doesn't love the fact that to do this, you start holding her like a baby. "I'm predator, not baby," her face seems to say.

Her patience has run out. CAVE CAT begins squirming.

>> PUT DOWN CAVE CAT

You thank CAVE CAT for her tolerance, give one more tiny squeeze, and put her down. She grumps around, resuming her quest for caves and/or snacks.

She is plotting her revenge. Probably.