"nothing much"

It was a report I was doing for English class. I was to talk to someone of my family, of an older generation who had Been Through It and ask them a few questions.

That is all I can remember. Except...

I held my transparent cordless phone in my hands, standing in the middle of my bedroom. Her voice a little grainy, static-y. It was unusual– everyone called me, not the other way around. So I felt weird. I couldn't guess how she felt, answering my questions.

And then I asked, "What has changed?" And I braced myself for improvements, big or small, in this particular moment past history.

And she said,

"Nothing much."

My little optimistic heart was a little bruised that day. And as I forget the exact wording of that answer, I'll never forget the tone: blunt. Matter-of-fact. Not quite resigned, but a gruff "that's how it is." I wonder if she really meant to say "tuh, shit ain't changed." But I was sixteen and she probably still shouldn't be cursing around me (did she ever, actually?).

Since then, I kept an eye out for the work to her words. I was already doing that, innately, but from that even forward it was more conscious, deliberate.

Now, that didn't stop me from saying some boneheaded post-racial nonsense family was quick to dispute, but I got over any perceived hurt and learned from it. There was still much I did not see, or realize, or could put name and word to.

I listened, and I read, and I dug further into the history of things.

And I grew.

I mean, sure, things are better. I guess. But we're seeing all that progress being fought every step of the way, and regression being en vogue (officially).

So underneath it all, shit ain't changed.

I wish I could be less of a downer, but not too hard– fuck it, my feelings are real, and valid, and it's okay to feel like I shouldn't be saying the "Happy" in "Happy Juneteenth." I need... something... else.

Resilient.

Powerful.

Blessed.

Uncompromising.

Adamant.