A Playlist While I Am Depressed
I haven't been talking much. Or doing much of anything, really, beyond existing and feeling pretty bad ab--
Sorry. "Pretty bad" is a terrible understatement.
I'm depressed. Capital D Depressed.
Alanis Morissette, "Tapes"
All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc
Alanis pretty much nailed it, here.
For me, this is how my depression starts. I get thoughts stuck in my head and they work their grooves in- some grooves are already there thanks to my anxiety. They echo and become very, very loud.
I'm on Week 3? 4? of them groovin' and yellin'. And I can't stop them.
Flying Lotus, "Debbie Is Depressed"
Sittin' in the dark and the day's so bright
You wanna sleep all day and sleep all night
’Cause all those days just feel the same
If I had my way, I wouldn't have moved out of bed all week. But, you know, job. And errands. And things.
Battling the voices in my head on a constant basis is tiring. Hours blur together. If it weren't for smartphones I wouldn't know it was [INSERT CURRENT DAY HERE].
I know there's hope and there's darkness before the dawn, and all of those things. But I'd still be wondering what time it is when it's over.
Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better"
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
And a major obstacle a lot of depressed people deal with is self-isolation. They withdraw and don't talk to anyone; calls, texts, and Discord messages go unanswered. Plans are canceled.
"I'm not feeling so great, lately," I manage to say. If I say anything at all. It's the truth: mental illness is still an illness. "I'll get back to you later." Maybe make plans for future!me and hope for the best.
Elements of Soul, feat. Mia Taylor, "Head Above Water"
Is there anybody out there
That feels the way I do?
I know I'm not the only one going through this, and I can't help but yell into the void and hope it yells back. And it does, if the void has Internet access.
And on said Internet, I deliberately seek out music to simultaneously feel validated... but still not great. But that's the beauty of music: it can be so accurate to your situation that you find yourself bawling your eyes out on your commute to work.
You feel validated but you still feel pretty shitty. But at least you know you're not alone. If you're struggling, know you're not alone. If you are just laying in bed staring at the ceiling, know that someone else is doing the same thing.
I did that on my day off. I'll probably do that tomorrow, too. But after, I have a party (to try) to go to.
Then I hope I get bumped up on the waiting list for a therapist soon.
And maybe next week will be better, and days start feeling like days again.
